I have been thinking about weakness. It started last week when there was a crippled baby squirrel hanging out in our backyard. Our dachshund loves to chase squirrels but of course they are too fast for her. However, this little one could not climb to safety as fast as most squirrels and she got close. She was insane with excitement. Something about the whole thing bothered me. Normally I am not overly soft hearted about nature doing its thing. But today I wanted to kick my own dog for attacking this defenseless squirrel.
Recently, someone attacked my sons in an area of weakness and I knew my protectiveness of this squirrel was connected to that in my emotions. Some days it feels like they have a sign on their backs saying "kick me" just because I am a little different. Then I realized it is also connected to Nathaniel, my soon to be born grandson who has cleft palate. There it is again - weakness. Something that gives people a chance to be kind and gracious, or vicious and cruel. I have seen both with my kids. I want desperately to protect them from that pain and I know I will feel the same with Nate. People's cruelness rips at my heart.
Then at Bible study we talked about weakness and Paul's thorn in the flesh. Paul asked God to take it away but God did not. God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul goes on to say he delights in his weakness now, boasts about them because, "when I am weak I am strong." Well that was a new perspective for me on some very familiar verses. Can I trust God to use this for good in their lives? I stayed there for a few more days.
In Sunday school, Mike asked for prayer for the delivery of Nate, and I sank into that hole again, unable to talk without tears. Several women in the class spoke kindly to me and I could hardly speak. During worship, the tears were still there. I almost left. Then we sang a song that said something about God using the weak to lead the strong. There was my word again - weakness. And I felt comforted. When I was pregnant with the twins and so sick, a friend said to me that God has something special planned for these babies that were so hard to carry. I hang on to that and know that in many ways it has already come true. They have shown me so much about God and I anticipate there is more coming. They were weak but can lead in a way only given by God. Nathaniel will do the same.
Finally today, I was back working on the same Bible study about faith. Several thoughts went to the same place in my mind.
...........the battle is the Lord's
...........everyone born of God has overcome the world
...........put on the shield of faith to fend off Satan's attacks
...........Psalm 3 - God is my shield
...........Psalm 18 He is my rock, fortress, my deliverer and my shield
............Psalm 84 - God is my sun and my shield
David knew as a young man, that God was his shield and defeated Goliath. Maybe the young men in my life are teaching me that.
4 comments:
Great Post Katy. Great.
I loved your thoughts here!
I loved the tenderness and vulnerability that showed up in your thoughts here. I heard tears in your voice both last Thursday and on Sunday morning about this very thing.
Knowing your story like I do, I wonder what would happen if you viewed weakness and vulnerability as a necessity. Someone told me that very thing today in an area that I want to be hard and tough and protected. I'm still chewing on that.
Sounds like there is more to be uncovered as you continue to ponder the places these thoughts take you. And I'm looking forward to hearing more, as your weakness and vulnerability, my dear friend, feels inviting and warm.
Much like that blanket I told you about a few months ago...
something in this post poked at the fears and other issues you know i have concerning mothering and being a nurturer.
you've provided understanding and comfort for me in those areas before, and something about the "momma bear" feelings you shared here brought a bit of softness and warmth to that part of my heart today.. thank you :)
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