addicted

For the first year we were married, my husband was a fireman. He was gone 1 out of every 3 nights. Then he got a job where he was gone a lot more than that. We had a 3-4 year break from traveling next. But that was 15 years ago. He had been traveling again up until about a year and a half ago. Suddenly they changed his job and he is almost always home. And I am addicted to his presence.

Last night he had to go to Houston. And I cannot sleep without him any more. I do not even get sleepy. On a normal night, I am fading fast at 10pm and out by 11. Last night I was wide awake at 1:30 am. So I gave in and crawled on his side of the bed and tried to smell his pillow and pretend he was there. Even if he is making me crazy or we are angry at each other, I need him there. And I probably fell asleep about 2:30am.

So I am addicted to the man and it is a good thing. One flesh.

Calcification

I am re-reading Metamorpha by Kyle Strobel. It is my third attempt to get through this book. There is so much meat in it that I haven't gotten finished with it yet. Once again I am struck deeply by something on page 20.

Sometimes we need a new way of seeing.

Cassie had an experience similar to mine She recalls the struggle she had in seminary when she was re-introduced to God: "I remember crying silently in the back row in several classes as I watched in horror the God that I knew and loved being smashed to pieces as professors unwittingly dismantled my view of God, blow after painful blow." A professor who understood and related to Cassie's experience offered a story he thought might help her. In Cassie's own words:

I will never forget the moment Professor Anderson captured this experience with a story that eased my pain. He told his systematic theology class about a woman who, in her later years of life, decided to begin playing piano. She searched for the best piano teacher she could possibly find ans asked him how she could become a master pianist such as himself. He looked hesitantly at her, asking if she was sure she warned to do this. He explained to her that at her age, the woman's bones had naturally calcified and were configured in a certain way. To play the piano, she would need to engage in finger exercises that would break this calcium down, thereby, giving her supple, flexible fingers that would allow her to extend to various keys. He warned her that the finger exercises and the calcium breakdown would be excruciatingly painful, as if her fingers were being smashed.

Cassie soon realized that her spiritual calcification was being broken down. Because of her presuppositions, Cassie needed not only to learn about God but also to unlearn what she falsely believed about God. Cassie believed she could just tack on new information about God to what she already had. Unfortunately, what we erroneously believe about God is often solidified and unyielding, so it is painful to break down.

It feels like I am going through a decalcification process too. Sitting in church each week feels painful sometimes and I try to decipher truth apart from my presuppositions. Or perhaps on top of them. A couple of friends visited our new church a couple of weeks ago and I felt defensive about what the pastor said, hoping they would like him too, hoping I wasn't in the wrong place. Their approval meant way too much to me. God has come out of the box that I have had him in and He feels so big and incomprehensible. This box was defined and rigid and clear. Not it just feels wild and untamed.

Anger

It must be the topic of the week - anger. So I decided to jump in too. I got mad.... no, furious at a friend this week. He was talking to my husband in our garage. He was talking about a subject I despise, his latest end of the world scenario. I asked him not to do it in front of me. I was strong in telling him that. I could have just gone upstairs and hidden while he was here but instead I stood up for myself and asked him not to. And he ignored me! I put up a barrier of protection for myself and he crashed through it to tell me more. His arrogance floored me. In my house, he treated me like a child - an ignorant child who needed to be scolded and told what was what.

I stood there and listened until I could get away. The fear he stirred up in me is not healthy. But it is biblical, according to him. He made me feel stupid and small. But the truth is he was being an arrogant jerk. And he wonders why people don't listen to him.

I remember feeling this angry a few times when I was a teenager. Once a boss talked to me like this. I was so mad that the top of my scalp tingled.

"In your anger do not sin:"
"for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires"

I believe my friend acts this way because he is an angry man. I am the child of an angry man. I don't know what to do with angry men, but I am trying to feel what I feel and not sin. I want to be what God desires but it is such a hard place.

Underdogs

Today, Texas Tech plays UT. AT our house, we will be cheering madly for the Red Raiders. I hate UT and always have. I was thinking about why. Here is my theory. I went to a junior high that usually got beaten by the Evans Eagles. Because I was in the band,I went to all the football games so I sat through a lot of bad games. When you have to go to games, in rain, in snow, and unbearable heat, you feel invested in them. Again, in high school, my school was the Mustangs and they were terrible at football. Our arch rivals were the Plainsmen and they always won. They were arrogant and I hated that. After they would beat us, the whole crowd from their side would sing, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be" to us. Moving on to college, I went to Texas Tech and they sucked back then. Week after week, we would sit and cheer for the underdog. And lose. On the rare occasion that we would beat somebody big, it was euphoric. Insane happiness over a stupid football game. So I hate Texas because they represent years of getting stomped by the big guys in town. And I always love the Cinderella team.

Anyway, there is a more important point to all this and I am getting there. Inside me, my emotions fight against my physical strength. They battle constantly and although emotions sometimes score a few points, generally they get their butts kicked. My emotions are the Cinderella team. They have been told for years that the are weak, ugly and useless. "Use your strength, don't cry like a baby." I have believed for so long that I don't need them. I just need to be a big girl and get the job done.

Today, emotions showed up not as "Cinder" ella, all dirty and beaten down. Today "Ella" showed up, in a beautiful dress, updo and high heels. And emotions gently and softly, tore through the wall that I had built around her for so long. She trumped the physical part of me with her beauty and kindness and tears. And Prince Charming said that he saw my soul. It was euphoric and insane happiness over the battle for the grounds of my heart.

Presidential furor

I just read the speech Obama is giving school children tomorrow. All I could think of was Bill Cosby. He has been criticized in the black community for telling black children and parents that they need to pay attention to their education. He has been very outspoken about the disintegration of black families. I thought he must be thrilled to see a black man with tremendous influence speaking out to American children of all colors.

I could be wrong. I know a black women who is conservative in her thinking. However she told me that one of the most significant events of her life was seeing Obama elected president. As a white female, I don't completely understand that but I believe her.

Maybe Obama can influence some children who are lost in the system to try harder. Maybe he can give some encouragement to a child who would not hear it from George Bush.

Now I don't agree with his politics or his policies. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. If he does this more and more, then I will get worried.

My brain

Something happened yesterday, something rather innocent. I told my husband something I was thinking about doing, wanting to do. It is something that is really impossible but I still think it would be great. He did not listen and I went nuts. I was hurt and angry and stormed downstairs to close up the house for the night. As I did, I saw things that were undone all over the house. Food left out, trash that needed to go out... Things that somebody "forgot". So I started doing it and getting madder. The voices in my head said "This is all you are good for," This is your job" "This is what a mom does" ....etc. My machine mode kicked in so fast it surprised me.

Lately I have been thinking about how mind numbingly boring being a housewife can be. It doesn't require much thought to do laundry, or cooking. I don't dislike doing those things. OK I HATE grocery shopping but I don't hate taking care of the house. I certainly enjoy taking care of my family. But there is this problem with my brain. It is screaming for more. It has been 26 years since it has been challenged and it is bored. Why did God give me a brain that likes to think and stretch just to fold towels for the rest of my life? Can I be a good mom and wife and do something else too?

I have thought about college. I fear I would fail due to brain atrophy. I don't know what to study. I didn't know in 1980 and I do not know now. I do know myself better now, so that is helpful. Also I don't have the money. Can I flip burgers again at 47? That sounds embarrassing but I might just do it. I mean that is what college students do, right? Get some crappy job to pay for school.

I am praying that God will show me a direction.


PS- I have a great husband who does not generally ignore me. I should not talk about important things when he is staring at a gun website! Lol!

Back in the blogging saddle

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately, so much so that I did something very out of character for me. I will explain later. I see so many people hurting in their marriage. I see lots of people surviving theirs, just existing together in the same house. I refuse to settle for that. My husband told me yesterday that he was so thankful that we have learned some tools to help our marriage stay strong. I really needed to hear that because I was feeling overwhelmed at the news that someone we know is separated and considering divorce after twenty plus years. My question to him was - is this possible to be happily married for life? It is hard, that is for sure. We recently watched Fireproof and it was better than I thought it would be but it felt too simple. 40 days of being nice to your spouse cannot change the rest of your life.

Anyway, last week Mike and I were sitting in a restaurant. Behind me was a man, I could not see him but I could hear every word he said. I even tried not to listen but he was venting his frustrations very loudly. He was talking about his wife and how she was upset with him and he was clueless. He talked about money problems, communication problems, male-female differences, etc. I could hear the anger, the hurt and the confusion in his voice. He sounded sincere in his efforts to fix it but without much success. Part of his conversation lead me to believe his parents had divorced. He ranted for 25 minutes. Something inside me was screaming for me to say something to him and yet I was scared to death. But I did. When we left I walked up to his table and told him I had heard him. His eyes were as big as saucers. He never said a word. I told him that I had been married a long time and I understood his frustrations. I also told him we had found some help through the grace group ministry. I gave him some contact info and walked off.

Now I am an officially crazy church lady! I was shaking by the time we got outside but I still felt lead to give him that information. Mike could not believe I had done that. I couldn't really either.