Yesterday, I talked to my sister and she told me something that has really rattled me. She has been home to visit our parents this last week. Also, she went to see my 95 year old grandmother who has been ill since February. Grandmother K, as we call her, got to talking and said something about my dad that I never thought I would hear come from her. I have never heard her say anything unkind about anyone. Never. What she said was not slanderous or cruel, just brutally honest.
She was feeling like she had been a lot of trouble to my mom who has been driving 3 hours to see her a lot since she fell in February. My mom has been away from home a lot and cannot seem to stop worrying about her. This troubles Grandmother K and she was discussing it with my sister. Tresa, my sister, was trying to reassure her that nobody minded caring for her. "But Tresa" she says, "Your dad does not like your mom being here because he is the most selfish man I have ever met." She went on to describe how they thought he was the wrong man for my mom because he was so hard on her. They were sure it would not last. After they married, he was hard on all of us. He never gave an inch. It was always her that changed to satisfy him or paid the price of his anger.
Tresa was speechless. I, too, am all mixed up about what she said. It is all true but somehow it feels more real now that she said it. Knowing that she saw it makes me feel sad that nobody could talk her out of marrying this man who has pushed her around for 50 years. I thought about how desperate I would feel if one of my kids were going to marry someone I felt was a mistake. I wondered why she felt compelled to marry him. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know the truth but she chose to ignore it. Because of that, we all were subjected to his selfishness. That makes me mad. It makes me wonder if my mom regrets her life. She seems to just walk through it like a machine most days. Resigned to it.
She was in college when they met. She was active in sports and church. She was a Christian studies major excited about ministering to youth. And then he came along and that all disappeared. Evil took her out. I hate thinking about all this.
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2 comments:
This feels very heavy and very big. With strong feelings towards both of your parents. I would love to sit here with you in the mess.
I'm glad that you are not a machine Katy. I see you fight when you sense evil. Selfishness may have had its way with you, but you have not resigned as a result of it.
"somehow it seems more real". I hear you there. How unnerving to have your Grandmother speaking about what's been unspoken for 50 years. Wow. It sounds like this is an invitation for you to grieve the damage underneath the protective umbrella of having had the truth validated by your Grandmother.
I hope you will grieve it Katy it new ways and that as you do you will find new comfort for your soul and new curiosity for your Mom and her story.
Thanks for sharing this.
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