Best of 2008

Nate the Great

No more stitches, just lots of drool!

Christmas Music

I love Christmas music but my kids hate it. I have failed miserably somewhere along the way. They were also traumatized by a McGee and Me video that has a Christmas carol playing during the scariest part of the story. Oh well. I will blame it on Dobson.


I have been in the car for 2 hours running around and listening to the Christmas station. If you listen long enough, you hear some odd renditions. Like Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It was pretty good. However I think that The Jackson Five singing Frosty the Snowman should be banned. Creepy!


I think Andy Williams can sing any Christmas song around. He had a great voice. Also I like Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. I am not a Josh Groban fan but he does an awesome Oh Holy Night, which is my favorite. Johnny Mathis and Aaron Neville should both be banned. I cannot stand their voices. I don't like many women singers but Amy Grant does great Christmas songs. Karen Carpenter sings depressing ones.


Christmas carols hold so many memories. One of the first memories I have of Christmas music is sitting in church when I was about 6 listening to the choir which included my mom sing Angels We Have Heard on High and thinking it was the most beautiful thing ever. Oh Holy Night always takes me to the Texas Tech campus and the ceremony where they switch on thousands of lights on the main campus buildings. They used to have a professor with a rich baritone voice sing Oh Holy Night during that lighting ceremony and it was so beautiful. Also, my family would sing carols on the ride to my grandmother's house. I always liked that. Car rides were not always fun when I was little but this one was full of anticipation.

Carols have an interesting history. The carol's roots came not from the organized church, but from the common people who wished to express their simple ideas and honest feelings that were not expressed by the somber music of the church. By the 14thcentury, carol singing was firmly established throughout Europe, not to mention the dancing that accompanied it. Carols originally were associated with dancing, which explains why their tunes are livelier than that of standard church music of the day. Originally, carols were sung for all occasions,not just Christmas.

Nate

Just a few photos from my trip to Virginia. He has a great smile even before surgery as you can see. Now it is all repaired and he is still adorable and fun.

Risk

I googled risk and these are some of the things that popped up.

risk - definition of risk - The quantifiable likelihood of loss or less-than- expected returns

risk - the game about war

Risk is a concept that denotes the precise probability of specific eventualities. Technically, the notion of risk is independent from the notion of value and, as such, eventualities may have both beneficial and adverse consequences. However, in general usage the convention is to focus only on potential negative impact to some characteristic of value that may arise from a future event.

risk management

risk analysis

calculated risk

These words all feel frightening and negative. I have risked this week and have felt like a war was going on. Also I have experienced loss or less that expected returns. I have taken calculated risks. I have focused too much on the negative impact and am struggling to see the beneficial ones. I have to be patient. A long term investor.

When I risk and get a return of anger, I panic, like a wall street broker. Cut your losses and run. I have been trying risky things and some have worked out, which I love, but the flip side stings. It tells me I am a fool, subjecting myself to more pain. Yet I feel compelled to keep going.

Christmas Past

I was listening to the radio today and someone started a parents group trying to get advertisers to slow down ads this Christmas to children, due to a slow economy. The talk show host was railing against this man calling him a wimp. Advertisers have been advertising to children in some way or another for decades. All parents have to do is have a backbone and say no. Or maybe turn off the tv.

Anyway I got to thinking about when I was a kid - the ultimate advertising was the Sears Wishbook. It would arrive in the mail and I would turn into a maniac. Being a list maker, I would write down everything I wanted. I tried to get something from every page. Then I would add them up and laugh at the thousands of dollars I had spent in my mind. It was great fun.

This photo is from the 1971 Wishbook. I LOVED Barbies and am sure I wanted this Karosel Kitchen for $3.95 when I was 9. Heck I love this kitchen now. What an idea! My Barbies were my favorite toys. I had numerous females - several Barbies, Midge, Skipper - but only one male. He was quite a player. My barbie fantasy world looked like a soap opera. He switched girlfriends a lot. Somewhere along the line a got a set of babies - quintuplets. So we had lots of barbie babies! Maybe I was a prophet of my own future. Anyway, I have enjoyed thinking about my Barbie house and camper (the one in the other picture) and that wonderful smell of the plastic. I wonder what my kids will think about and remember in 40 years.

bad dreams

One thing I would like to ask God is - what do my dreams mean? I have thought this many times. Waking up and wondering why I would dream such a thing. I hope His answer will be - "Oh you ate too many jalapenos that night." Because otherwise, I have a twisted mind or subconscious. I have dreamed some bizarre things. Horrible things. One of my pregnancies I dreamed repeatedly about ghosts chasing me and I would wake up screaming. My husband did not get much sleep that pregnancy.



..............I am standing in the kitchen at the sink, peeling a peach. I can feel its softness and smell its ripeness. The back door is open and it is a nice night. Suddenly someone grabs me. Why don't I protect myself? I am frozen in fear. He is hurting me. I know him. He is a man from church. I bite him and I can taste his blood. Suddenly, there is a baby crawling through the room. His name is Carson and I must protect him. I take him back to another room. And then it continues...



I woke up terrified. I know the man from the dream. I don't know him well but he is a real person I know from church. Nice guy from all appearances so why would I dream this about him. This dream was so vivid. I woke up unsure where I was and my heart was pounding. And I was trying to figure out why.

Alone

sometimes I battle alone
usually I go alone
do I push you away?
am I that hard?
do I deserve your back?
not your face
I need you
need your help
but instead I get left
to go it alone

I feel your absence
we all do
I need your presence
in this
with me
for me
come fight with me

When they put in an adult day care, will you come see me?

I am losing my mind. Seriously, 46 seems a little young to be having senior moments. I was telling my sister about doing some forgetfull things recently. We just had a good laugh. She is 50. The day we moved I got up early to go get donuts to feed the wonderful people who were coming to help us. As I was driving, I noticed that I could not see real well. I wear contacts and one eye is for distance and one is for close up. I ignored the problem and worked all day until we finally got our bed set up. I went to take out my contacts and the left one was not there. I have never done this and I have worn contacts since I was 15. I just blew it off as being busy moving and thinking about too many things that day. 2 weeks later I did the same thing. And once again, it took me all day to figure it out.

Well yesterday, I had another "episode". I wore by bra wrong side out all day. As I was getting undressed last night, something was wrong. I could not get out of my bra. I have no idea how I got in it without noticing that I was doing it backwards.

So if you happen to see me dressed inappropriately or stumbling around like a blind woman, don't worry. Just help a sister out.

Fruitful

The strangest thing happened tonight at Grace Group. For the first time in the 21 weeks that I have led a group, I came home content with the way group went. No self condemnation. I did not beat myself up for saying something or not saying something. I was not critical of anything. It felt great. My word at the end to describe the way I felt was fruitful. It felt like God had given me the right questions to ask. What an amazing night it was. I felt like the group is making progress. I know that is God's doing and I do not feel prideful about it but still it felt great to be led by Him and watch Him work. And I let that be enough!

Flatlander

I was listening to a song about being born on the prairie.. Dry land cotton farmers, like my Pa was, watch the sky and pray for rain.

Pray for no twisters. It describes tornadoes as being like a whiplash and rolling like God's tumbleweeds. It calls them Panhandle Dancers. I love the imagery. I grew up in the Panhandle. I guess I have dust devils in my heart. This music stirred me in a surprising way. I was thinking about how as we occasionally travel back there, I love the view. Most people think it is flat and ugly, but it holds a place in my heart. It will always feel like home.

I remember as a kid driving through miles and miles of cotton fields with their long green rows. As a child I imagined they were the legs of giants running along the side of the car. As a mom, I was delighted when one of my kids said they looked like grass rainbows. Perhaps they have a little dust devil in their hearts too.

Just for fun!

Thoughts on the election from someone way more articulate than I am

My advice to all Republicans: For the next 11 weeks, enjoy the fact that this nation has elected its first Black President. It is not the culmination of the promise of America, but it is visual, immediate evidence of the inherent goodness, freedom, and promise of America. It may be symbolic, but symbolism is important in its own right.Take heart. Barack Obama did not get to the office because affirmative action mandated it, because he was entitled to it by any means, or because he was Black. The race vote was a contributor just like many things, but it was not the reason he won. I'm sorry, but no matter how much Black turnout there is, Democrats won't win Mississippi. This election was about more than people voting on race. It was the clear choice of the American people. Will I seek to persuade the public? Will I seek to change hearts and minds? Of course I will. I am a Republican. But shall I resist and fight the decision of the ballot? That is silliness, smallness, and futility.

Obama won it because he's good. He's smooth. And he knows how to play off his strengths and take advantage of the moment. He knows that the country does not like Bush right now. Obama is not Bush, and he rode that mantra of "Change" to the White House. That's a good politician. And as somebody who takes an interest in the acquisition of power, I have to appreciate the brilliance of it all. Barack has good qualities. You can' become President of the United States if you don't. So, bravo, Barack, bravo! Republicans may be tempted to angrily point out that the election was based on ambiguous "Change" and lacked any concrete ideals. But why do you get mad at the world for being the way it has always been? The public has always been swayed by attractive politicians, widespread amorphous promises, great communicators, various cults of popularity, and sweet sounding rhetoric. That will not change. My advice to future Republican politicians: become persuasive, become good looking, put honey on your lips, and use these tools for good ends. You may be a well intentioned politician and correct in your conservative policies, but a foolish-looking well-intentioned politician still looks like a fool.

Now, about John McCain's campaign. John McCain deserves the respect of the entire country. He is a man of respect, grace, honor, and service. His concession speech showed that he is a true gentleman, who does not give in to the cheering temptation of reveling in the vanity of the public's fickle friendship. That is the kind of politician we have been missing for so long. He is one who is concerned about service and good policy over power and public opinion. He is one who has a genuine respect for his colleagues, an ear open to thoughtful criticism, review, and reform. This respect is what feeds McCain's talk of reasonable compromise, and conservatives should not fear that kind of talk. It holds tight to fundamental truths and compromises on the details of opinion. It has guided America through centuries of good government, and it has been lacking as of late.And for Republicans: You should appreciate John McCain's contributions to the Republican party. John McCain's popular vote totals are around 47% to Barack Obama's 53% right now. George H. W. Bush took in 38% with his loss in 1992, and Bob Dole gained around 41% in 1996. Neither of these men had near the challenges of John McCain in this election. The 47% that John McCain gained is not enough for a win, but it is enough for legitimacy. And legitimacy is something Republicans have almost lost in the past four years. If Republicans lost legitimacy, we could expect something similar to the FDR Democratic takeover and control of government. It could have lasted 20 years. In the past, sometimes they've lasted longer. But since Republicans have maintained their legitimacy, if we only prune off the corruption and bad policy that has plagued us over the last 4 years, Republicans could be back on their feet in four to six years. That's amazing, and you can thank John McCain for that.

And specifically to Social Conservatives: You were some of John McCain's most vocal critics, but he has become one of your greatest benefactors. The standard bearer of centrist Republican policy in Congress reached out and saw the legitimacy of your views and your importance within the party. He stayed pro-life and kept it a cornerstone of the Party. He reinvented and unified the party with the pick of Sarah Palin, adding a fresh face and a rising social conservative to the short list of Republicans who have a future in politics. You can thank John McCain for that. Social conservatives will look back in ten years and realize that John McCain was always their best friend. It's a shame they noticed this all too late.

To Christian Evangelicals: Are you frightened of an Obama Presidency? Do you think it foretells of a country lost and of hardship for the church? If so, let me ask: Why do you see your Christianity so tied to political gains? What limits the Church to a socially conservative Republican President? Is your faith really that small? Christians lived under Nero, they lived under the inquisition, they have resisted the Islamic advances, and Communism's aggressive, authoritarian, and murderous Atheism. We have been killed, burned, enslaved, and martyred. But Christ died, he rose again, he lives, he is immune to death, and he will come again. And you are afraid of Barack Obama? Oh, ye cowards of little faith. Gather your tools and join the harvest. The work is plenty and the laborers are few. Don't let the weather of politics delay your task.

And about John McCain in general. If you watched his Concession speech and placed it within the context of his political life, you will see that McCain was one of the last true gentlemen, one of a dying breed of real statesmen, and a man dedicated to the service of his country. He was polite and gracious, giving credit and congratulations to Obama for the virtues that he holds. His duty was to bring closure at the end of a long hard fight and to begin again the work of serving the country he has always loved. We need more men like him in our government. John McCain is my political hero, and I hope he is not forgotten.McCain's concession gave way to Obama's more enthusiastic Acceptance Speech. There was little talk of specific policies, and a great deal of celebration about the greatness of America: the power to rise to the occasion, the power to continually change for the better, and the uniqueness and hope that this country has always offered to the world. Sure I disagree with the policies and philosophy of Barack Obama. But I love what his election represents. It represents the openness and freedom that this country created and cherishes. It's symbolism, but I like it. I like it a lot. I like how Obama's election is the result of the promise, greatness, and goodness of America.So yes, for 11 weeks, I will enjoy the fact that America has elected its first Black President. I will enjoy it until January 20th, 2009. At that point, I will actually have to deal with an Obama administration. Policies will come forth. Ideas, ideals, values, and voices will clash, and the game will begin again. I will continue to fight the good fight, acting on my conscience's demands. That starts on January 20th, 2009, but between now and then, I'm going to admire the greatness of my country.

-J. Caleb Jones

Anger

This week in Grace group our lesson was on anger. So it has been on my mind a lot. Friday I was at Sam's picking up some photos and I saw a man who looked familiar. I hate this because sometimes it takes days to remember who this person is. However this time, I felt this funny feeling about this guy. I knew I did not like meeting this man but still I was drawing a blank. A few minutes later, it hit me who he was and this is where the anger comes into the story

Earlier this summer, the boys were playing frisbee in the pool. I was asleep. They were not throwing a real frisbee. They were throwing the skimmer lid. This is a very hard plastic disc that looks like a frisbee but isn't quite as forgiving. Luke stuck his head under water and stood up just in time to catch the "frisbee" on the chin.' Immediately, three kids were screaming for me because blood was everywhere. I remember feeling very calm. I knew he needed stitches. About 20 years ago, the first time one of the kids needed stitches I ran in circles in the backyard like an idiot, completely freaked out. Sorry. I got lost in my story.

Luke and I went to an emergency clinic and immediately got in to see the doctor. It was the guy from Sams. He was gruff and snarled his lip when he talked. He is my dad as a doctor. He looks like him and has the same amount of mercy - zero. He even had on boots and the same hideous gabardine pants that my dad wears.He tells me that yes he needs to do stitches. Luke of course is scared. He has never had stitches. The deadening shot hurts too. The anger comes in when he starts ridiculing boys who cry "like a girl" and admiring Luke for not being a sissy. I am fuming. As soon as he left, I corrected his statements to Luke. I told him that there was nothing wrong about admitting that you are scared or hurting. Also that crying is not exclusive to girls and is ok for guys too.

This week as we talked about anger and how it can be a good thing, I thought about this day again. I think my anger was a positive for my son that day and was not sinful. I was not rude to that doctor in any way. But I was fighting for my son. Another incident happened this summer when my anger led me to fight for them. They were hurt in an incident during VBS. I was fighting mad. But I fought for them. Several weeks later, I was driving through the church parking lot and saw the woman who started this mess and I considered running over her which obviously was sinful. I did manage to resist. So I am still struggling with what anger should look like but it was good to see some progress.

Great Thoughts from Rob Bell

I have been re-reading Sex God by Rob Bell and loved these words.


For thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and waiting for our response.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed vulnerable, left hanging int the balance, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it is like."

It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find the strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking. A God who knows what it is like.

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

Perhaps you have had your heart broken by someone. You risked and extended yourself and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.

There is something divine in your suffering.

Somebody divine in your pain.

You know how God feels.

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Love is risky for God too.

New Photos

Random Thoughts about Job

I have been thinking about Job for a week. Last week I was talking about this book with a couple of other people and several things struck me. So I decided to read it again. The first interesting thought about Job was that he wanted answers from God not opinions from his friends. He demanded God answer him, not content with anything less.

The second thing that struck me as I re-read Job was how I remember thinking his friends were not really giving him bad advice. God does punish us for our sins and reward us based on our good deeds. How could Job say he was innocent? Nobody is innocent. Today, I realized that I have had a very distorted view of God. I saw him in black and white. Do good and He is happy, but mess up and He is ready to strike. There was no mercy in my view.

I love Job 16:18-22. "O Earth do not cover my blood; may my cry never be laid to rest! Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." We do have an advocate. The Message uses the words, My Champion and my Friend. God in His mercy sent Jesus. Such mercy that I have missed seeing so much.

Still it is a confusing book. Is it ok for Job to rant at God? Accuse Him? Demand answers? Why is this in scripture? God is such a mystery. Chapter 38 says that God answered Job out of a storm. Was this referring to His anger at Job? I was reminded of the book, The Shack, and the chapter when Mack meets the judge. She accuses Mack of judging others and God for not doing things the way Mack wanted. Mack was guilty of making his judgement higher than Gods. Job seems to be doing the same thing. He tells Job "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me." God sets Job straight on things and I love Job's answer.

Chapter42:1-6 The Message - "I'm convinced. You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans. You asked, "Who is muddying this water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second guessing my purposes?" I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, " Listen and let me do the talking. Let me ask the questions. you give the answers" I admit once I lived by rumors of you, now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears."

I have muddied the waters, ignorantly confused things, second guessed God and not listened many times. So it is such a wonder to me to read the end, where God chews out Job's friends and commends Job for speaking what is right. He doubly blesses Job.

I must admit I still don't understand much of Job but I can see things that are comforting.

- It is ok to rant sometimes

- God likes truthfulness and honesty not foolish words

- shut up and listen to God not just your firends

- I have a merciful Daddy, which is hard to grasp

- Jesus is my champion and my friend

The dresser vomited

I walked up the stairs the other day and saw this. It made me laugh because it looked like the dresser opened itself up and purged its contents on the floor. Maybe it is just funny to me but it made me laugh in the middle of an exhausting day. Moving is way too hard work. I have decided I will have to die in this house!

Daddy

I walked into church yesterday with a crummy attitude about being there. It has felt that way a lot lately. I had to force myself into the Sunday school room. We have been visiting a new class so it is still awkward. However, the teacher is a great speaker and very interesting. Last week it felt like he was just stating fact after fact, just info- nothing for my heart. So this week I was expecting more of the same especially when the subject was the genealogy of Christ -a long list of names. However, God touched my heart in such a specific way with the lesson on genealogy that it blew me away. It should not surprise me when He does but yesterday it did.

After all the events of the last few weeks, I was feeling pretty upset about my own genealogy. We talked in class about how your family effects you, how you were raised and where you were raised. But ultimately God is still in control and can use any person despite their history. An example is the women listed in Christ's genealogy who were known for sexual sins. Then we talked about Joseph and how the scripture lists him as the man who was assumed to be Jesus's father. Men assumed he was the father but he was really Jesus's step father, so to speak. Joseph was on earth His father but was not His real Father. Then the teacher said the thing that got me. The day I believed in Jesus, my genealogy changed forever. God became my father, my perfect father. He always loves me and loves me well. And I was crying because that reached way down deep. I have longed my whole life for that kind of relationship and I think part of why I was depressed was this weekend I realized that I will never get what I want from my dad. I know he loves me but he doesn't do it well. Every time I see him, I get my hopes up again only to have them dashed. It is kind of like Joseph. My dad is kind of my step dad - just a fill in on earth.

I have the perfect Father. God has been parenting me lately and I just figured it out. He has been showing kind words to say and how to love people well. He gives me gifts exactly when I need them - gifts like this class in church. He was showing me things were missing this week while I was at the hospital and showing me how to do things better. I feel like I can stop being so hard on my dad and try to love him well. I just need to stop looking to him for my example. And stop beating myself up because I can never do enough to make him happy. I have the perfect example in God, but I must remember that when I am around my family. I must remember to listen to His words, His truths about who I am.

Blind

I have spent two days sitting in the hospital with my sister, trying to help take care of her, wanting her to feel cared for. While I was sitting there watching my family function around me, something hit me that I had not really seen before. I had seen it but could not exactly name it. It was like God put a spotlight on this particular thing for me to see.

My family sucks at taking care of people. Oh, physically you will be cared for. I never needed any thing that I didn't get. But emotionally, they excel at not caring for you. I have never quite seen this so clearly until this week. They are so good at manipulating the focus off of the person who is needing help and getting it onto themselves. I believe they don't even know they are doing it. I also believe they do it so they don't have to look at the emotional mess that might come out if anyone really cared for someone else. I have never seen so many people in one room walking around an elephant and stepping in its manure and yet never say the word elephant.

My sister is in the hospital recovering from surgery and my dad doesn't know what to do with himself. I think he really wants to help but is just clueless. So he acts like a big tough guy whose gonna kick the butt of any nurse who doesn't come running when his daughter needs something. He himself would not notice the fact that she needs a drink of water and cannot quite reach it but he will bluster and blow a lot of air around the room about how tough he is. That is what I mean about drawing attention to himself and away from her. My mom does it too. Today my sister took off her bandages from a double mastectomy and I called to see how she was. I was thinking that this could be really hard on her. I think that would be the moment I would dread the most, seeing the scars and no breasts anymore. My mom is there helping her take off the bandages and my mom is the one who is saying I am scared and I don't know if I can handle what I will see. So my sister has to be strong and not be upset, so my mom can handle this. It is all so backwards and pathetic.

I am sure I do this too. How could I not? I grew up with this crazy group of people. My cousin had a hysterectomy this week and her mom is caring for her and doing the same thing too. Maybe that is why God showed me this. I sure don't want to treat people this way. Lord show me areas that I am blind to.

The internet can be a very small place!

Last Friday night, I was out doing some shopping when I got a phone call from my sister. She told me an amazing thing that had happened to her on the Internet. I had just seen her 2 weeks ago and we were talking about The Maines Brothers band and listening to their cd. This is a local band from the 80's in Lubbock, where we grew up. So last week she was bored I guess and googled them. One of the first links listed was to a blog.... this blog. I had mentioned the band a few weeks ago. This blog does not have my name on it anywhere, so she started reading it and thinking this stuff really sounds familiar. The more she read, the more she knew it had to be mine. She did not even know I had a blog! So she spent the next hour reading the old posts and crying because they expressed many feelings she has had in her life too. So she called to tell me this and I just died laughing. I could not believe that she found it that easily. It is a little freaky.

So of course, she told my other sister who also read it all. She called yesterday to tell she had read it all too. It made her cry too. Snot running down your face, kind of crying. I have accomplished something that previously only my dad can do - I made both of my sisters cry. Anyway, even though it was hard for them to read I hope it was helpful to know that we are all in this together and all think the same things sometimes. We are The Three Musketeers. It was a good reinforcement to me that my words can have tremendous impact on others. This is really hard for me to believe some days.

Also tomorrow, my sister has her surgery and more tests run. I am feeling sad and heavy today. She is scared. I hope her family will be a comfort to her because she really needs it. Please pray for us all.

Waiting

This has been the summer of waiting. It started with waiting for the wedding and all the fun and guests to arrive. Then we decided to put our house on the market and we waited for the phone to ring for a showing hoping that this would be the person who would buy it. Then we waited for Whitney to go into labor and when she did, we waited 2 days for the end. Nate finally came into the world and then we waited a week to see him. The day we came home from Virginia, it looked like we had a buyer and we waited to hear from them about so many things. There is a 10 day waiting period to see if they change their mind. Now we are waiting to move. One afternoon, a few weeks back, I was frustrated with waiting and went and was lounging in the pool. The phone rang and it was my sister saying she has cancer. Now we wait with her for surgery and whatever else comes. She had 2 more tests run last week that showed abnormal cells in 2 other places on her body. We are waiting to see what that means. She was planning on moving to Germany and now she says she is not making any more plans because they just keep falling apart. She is just waiting. And we wait with her, praying.

Home

In 3 weeks, we will be moving into this house. Something I have wanted for a long time. It is hard to wait when we are so ready to go. I'm a doer- I don't sit and wait well. In the time we have to wait, we have been over there several times, to look at this or measure that. And it struck me that this is possibly the blandest house ever. Beige carpet, walls, brick and white trim on the outside. Except for the trees - they are awesome to a girl from Lubbock. The kitchen is a good size but pretty ugly. It is kind of sad to think about someone living in such a boring house. So I got to thinking about painting and hardwood floors and I decided this house needs us. It needs a new family to add life and noise and laughter and color. And that makes me happy. I can see the kids sliding down the stairs and crashing at the bottom. I can see them playing soccer with the dog. They are planning on painting their rooms and putting up posters of the things they love. Mike will be in the shop making new cabinets and loving it and I will be reading or cooking a ribeye on the grill. I am not moving into someone else's house. I am moving into a house that needs some help and that feels like a good thing for us.

An Introduction

This is my sister, Lea Ann and her adorable granddaughter Lyza. Her daughter is Lorin. They are the three L's. Earlier this year she and I spent 3 days together going to see my grandmother who was ill. After that trip, I realized that I don't know when or if I have ever spent that much time alone with her. We had a great time and talked about everything under the sun. It was great to connect with her in a way that had never happened before. She is a strong person, a great mom, and a good friend. She also still likes to sleep right under me just like when we were kids which is very annoying, but that is beside the point.

2 weeks ago, she went for a biopsy and I went to sit and wait at the hospital. I just couldn't stay away. The doctors said it was looking all clear but he was wrong. She has breast cancer. Those last four words feel huge, like I should be screaming them instead of calmly typing away.

So many feelings have come to me since her diagnosis. Fear for her, fear for me, anger, sorrow.... I cannot imagine what she feels. We have laughed and cried together. I almost got in the car yesterday and drove to Temple just because I wanted to look at her again. Buy her dinner or something to make her feel better or maybe to make me feel better.

My parents have responded so badly to this, so selfishly that I wonder what planet they came from. We laughed the other day that we are alien spawn. She is facing a double mastectomy and all they seem to care about is how it might mess up their vacation, a month long cruise. Honestly they should just go and let the rest of the family help. But I think they will stay and whine about the sacrifices they make. And then I may remove their heads.

The good news is that she caught it early and she will not have to do radiation or chemo. She has a 99% chance of survival. Still I am having a hard time thinking and doing normal things like laundry and cleaning toilets right now. It is so hard trying to be normal when my sister has cancer.

Oldness

This is Nate. I am his grandma. He makes me old I guess. My friend Nancy gave me an old lady gift bag the other day. It included a large print word search book, a large print calculator, a night light, bunion cushions, an ID card (in case I cannot remember who I am), and a travel pack full of plastic rain bonnets. Now all I need is Geritol and depends!

25th Anniversary Part 3

It seems like I should write something profound about our anniversary. I have been thinking about this for 2 weeks. First of all, the photos are hilarious. Jared looks more like the man I married than Mike does. I'm not even talking about how different I look. If I could look like that again but have my 46 year old brain and heart, that would be great. Maybe with less hair!

I have been pondering the biblical metaphor on marriage. How a marriage is a picture of a believers relationship with Jesus. I understand some of it but some of it is beyond me. I believe that most people deep inside want to be married and that points to our God given desire to be in a deep relationship with him. But why is it so hard. It feels so elusive some days. Marriage is also great some days and I wouldn't want to not be married but it is so hard sometimes. It feels like the intimacy we want doesn't exist. We try and try and it evades us. And then, it sneaks up and surprises me with its presence. Overwhelming, encouraging, making me long for more.

On our recent anniversary trip, we experienced both sides of this phenomena. Sweet minutes of great laughter and friendship but also tears and frustration. I don't like the down side but it seems to be part of the deal. So I will take it. I wouldn't want to miss out on the tastes of Eden we sometimes experience together. I love you Mike.

25th Anniversary Part 2

Brad Paisley, The Maines Brothers and a 25th anniversary

I drove to Temple last week and spent about 4 hours alone in the car. Right before I left, I found 2 cds that I had lost. They were my Maines Brothers cds. I was excited. In the 80's, in Lubbock, the Maines Brothers were the best. Many nights were spent dancing at Coldwater to their band. They were brothers and cousins. Their dads and uncles had a band a generation earlier. The next generation finally made it big. Natalie Maines is one of the Dixie Chicks. I like country music but I don't listen to it much anymore. However I do like Brad Paisley. It dawned on me as I was driving that he reminds me of the Maines Brothers. Their music is great to dance to and such fun, showing such humor. The Maines Brothers have a song called "Ain't Nobody Lonely" that reminds me of how my life felt before I met Mike. It talks about a girl walking around town looking for someone who might be as lonely as she is. 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 20, I had given up on "falling in love". That seems so silly. I was so young but that is how it felt. That song sums up those feelings of thinking that guy must be out there somewhere, but where.

The lyrics that follow are from a Brad Paisley song that does the same thing. The first time I heard it, I thought it was about us. It is "All Because 2 People Fell in Love". The world changed when we met and was impacted by our actions. If you don't know, I met Mike in a restaurant. I was his waitress. At one point while we were dating, I even worked at a place called 14th Street Bar and Grill.


I recall a young man who was drifting aimlessly
And a young waitress who seemed lonesome as can be
In a little cafe right off 14th avenue
With a whole lot of help from up above
We met and things sure turned around for me and you
And all because two people fell in love



Yea there ain't nothing not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is will be or ever was
Every single choice we make
Every breath we get to take
Is all because two people fell in love


So this one is for you, Mike. I will gladly take another 25 years, cause you sure turned my world around.

Finally, a happy post.

My last few posts have been seriously depressing so I thought I would lighten it up a bit. This weekend we went on our annual summer trip to Leakey with about 100 friends. This year for me was really special for a lot of reasons. One of which was in this photo. This trip almost always happens on our anniversary. We have been going since 1993. Somebody decided to decorate our car to celebrate our 25th. About 1:30 in the morning, as I was going to bed, I saw the car. It just made my day. There were balloons and cans tied to the back. It also said "Sugar Daddy " on Mike's side and "Hot Mama" on mine. I'm not sure why exactly but I started laughing hysterically all alone in the dark. Maybe it was sleep deprivation but it was fun.

I got to watch a great baseball game with all of my family in it. I got to enjoy the nice river. I got to play a few games and catch up with some friends I don't see much. One of the highlights of the trip every summer is the baptism on Sunday morning. All of our kids were baptized in the Frio. This year 3 kids were baptized. One of them was Ethan whose birth was one of those miracles I will always remember. Long story but we prayed for his parents to be able to have another baby and when they surprised us all with the good news it was such a joyous moment. Such a God thing. Watching him be baptized and listening to him sweet voice tell his testimony was awesome.

Another highlight was great conversations. We had a crazy day trying to get ready on Friday. Several things happened that day that I felt were spiritual attacks. But finally, I decided that I was going to trust God and not get all freaked out. I was wishing to talk with someone about all this and asked God to give me the chance and He did. My friend Susan listened and encouraged me so much. If you are reading this, thanks Susan.

One more conversation happened that was unusual for me. Someone sought me out to encourage him. That doesn't happen much but it was great. And I think I did encourage him. As he was taking I was praying for God to tell me what to say.

One more highlight. Mike told me that something I said to him was like a drink of refreshing water. Way too often, my words are bitter water to him so that was really a sweet moment.

Many times I know I have missed the opportunity to enjoy this trip by getting all wrapped up in a knot over what to pack or what to eat. I am exhausted before we get there and I miss all the fun. I'm glad that I did not miss it this time.

As we were leaving, Cody asked me if I was really a "hot mama". I told him of course and he looked at me like a was crazy!

Chains

I think I spend a lot of my time dragging around chains. Pretty heavy ones too. Sometimes I let them go or perhaps I give it to God. Maybe Satan deceives me into thinking they are not as heavy most days. This week they reappeared, dragging me down into a black hole.

I have been thinking about why some days the chains feel like they weigh a ton. I was wondering if perhaps, Satan slowly puts a little bit of the chain on your neck where it is almost imperceivable, even comfortable. Then slowly, slowly he releases more and more of the weight until that opportune moment when something painful happens and then he drops the whole weight and I suddenly fell the impact of it all. Oh no, here I am again. I spend a few hours or days trying to wiggle out of the imprisoning weight but to no avail. Then slowly, it begins to fade, and I feel relief from the pull of the chains, and eventually I go back to my blissful ignorance. Then the cycle starts all over again.

A few months ago, the most amazing thing happened. For about a week, I felt so free and joyous. No chains, no baggage. It was amazing. It was the strangest experience and I cannot explain why it happened other than God. I was playful, singing, joking for a whole week. Just joy. That is not something I experience much and certainly not for that long. It was such a gift.

Towards the end of it, I could literally feel it leaving. That may sound crazy but it is true. It was like a window slowly closing in front of me and blocking a view I wanted to watch for longer. The weight was back, my companion but not my friend.

Old Skeletons in the Closet

Yesterday, I talked to my sister and she told me something that has really rattled me. She has been home to visit our parents this last week. Also, she went to see my 95 year old grandmother who has been ill since February. Grandmother K, as we call her, got to talking and said something about my dad that I never thought I would hear come from her. I have never heard her say anything unkind about anyone. Never. What she said was not slanderous or cruel, just brutally honest.

She was feeling like she had been a lot of trouble to my mom who has been driving 3 hours to see her a lot since she fell in February. My mom has been away from home a lot and cannot seem to stop worrying about her. This troubles Grandmother K and she was discussing it with my sister. Tresa, my sister, was trying to reassure her that nobody minded caring for her. "But Tresa" she says, "Your dad does not like your mom being here because he is the most selfish man I have ever met." She went on to describe how they thought he was the wrong man for my mom because he was so hard on her. They were sure it would not last. After they married, he was hard on all of us. He never gave an inch. It was always her that changed to satisfy him or paid the price of his anger.

Tresa was speechless. I, too, am all mixed up about what she said. It is all true but somehow it feels more real now that she said it. Knowing that she saw it makes me feel sad that nobody could talk her out of marrying this man who has pushed her around for 50 years. I thought about how desperate I would feel if one of my kids were going to marry someone I felt was a mistake. I wondered why she felt compelled to marry him. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know the truth but she chose to ignore it. Because of that, we all were subjected to his selfishness. That makes me mad. It makes me wonder if my mom regrets her life. She seems to just walk through it like a machine most days. Resigned to it.

She was in college when they met. She was active in sports and church. She was a Christian studies major excited about ministering to youth. And then he came along and that all disappeared. Evil took her out. I hate thinking about all this.

Hooomeschool Nerd Mom

Today I am the super hoooooome school nerd mom. My older kids would die. I have spent several hours selling used curriculum online at a vegetarian website. Reading through the posts on there are like a trip through the last 20 years of my life. I wonder what my life will be like when (not if) I get through teaching at home. I might go back to college!

Also I am baking 5 loaves of homemade (freshly gound wheat) bread. I have not made any since I had twins. This was the ultimate in homeschool mom dedication back in the 90's. My dedication crashed into the wall of reality with 3 kids under the age of 2. Oh well, after almost 13 years I have recovered enough to try it again. Man it smells awesome in here. Wish you were here to have a piece!

Weakness

I have been thinking about weakness. It started last week when there was a crippled baby squirrel hanging out in our backyard. Our dachshund loves to chase squirrels but of course they are too fast for her. However, this little one could not climb to safety as fast as most squirrels and she got close. She was insane with excitement. Something about the whole thing bothered me. Normally I am not overly soft hearted about nature doing its thing. But today I wanted to kick my own dog for attacking this defenseless squirrel.

Recently, someone attacked my sons in an area of weakness and I knew my protectiveness of this squirrel was connected to that in my emotions. Some days it feels like they have a sign on their backs saying "kick me" just because I am a little different. Then I realized it is also connected to Nathaniel, my soon to be born grandson who has cleft palate. There it is again - weakness. Something that gives people a chance to be kind and gracious, or vicious and cruel. I have seen both with my kids. I want desperately to protect them from that pain and I know I will feel the same with Nate. People's cruelness rips at my heart.

Then at Bible study we talked about weakness and Paul's thorn in the flesh. Paul asked God to take it away but God did not. God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul goes on to say he delights in his weakness now, boasts about them because, "when I am weak I am strong." Well that was a new perspective for me on some very familiar verses. Can I trust God to use this for good in their lives? I stayed there for a few more days.

In Sunday school, Mike asked for prayer for the delivery of Nate, and I sank into that hole again, unable to talk without tears. Several women in the class spoke kindly to me and I could hardly speak. During worship, the tears were still there. I almost left. Then we sang a song that said something about God using the weak to lead the strong. There was my word again - weakness. And I felt comforted. When I was pregnant with the twins and so sick, a friend said to me that God has something special planned for these babies that were so hard to carry. I hang on to that and know that in many ways it has already come true. They have shown me so much about God and I anticipate there is more coming. They were weak but can lead in a way only given by God. Nathaniel will do the same.

Finally today, I was back working on the same Bible study about faith. Several thoughts went to the same place in my mind.
...........the battle is the Lord's
...........everyone born of God has overcome the world
...........put on the shield of faith to fend off Satan's attacks
...........Psalm 3 - God is my shield
...........Psalm 18 He is my rock, fortress, my deliverer and my shield
............Psalm 84 - God is my sun and my shield

David knew as a young man, that God was his shield and defeated Goliath. Maybe the young men in my life are teaching me that.

Perfection

Summer Happenings

In two days, this very cute little boy is getting married. That doesn't seem possible. This photo was taken on his first birthday and he was charming everyone in the store. He is always charming. As a teenager, he was always surrounded by girls... his harem we called them. Hard to believe that he is starting his own family. I am remembering so much this week. What a blessing having kids can be.

However, he did come home with 3 loads of stinky laundry which will now be Jessica's problem. I won't miss that!

Earlier this week, this comic character was seen sorting the laundry. Putmans are always going for the laugh!

Also, I am thinking about Nathaniel who is coming soon. Mike and I went into Toys R Us and had to buy monkeys and a reminder of where Grandma and Grandpa live.

His nursery is adorable. You can check it out http://shutterbabe.wordpress.com/