Worst Fear

I am awake at 3 am for some unknown reason. So I was reading a new book about how we live out our faith as either avoiding the God of our Worst Fears or trusting The Voice of Love. It rings true in my heart. I have spent a lot of years avoiding my fears and did not even know what they were. So God showed me the fears, defined them, named them. And He has been showing me where they show up in my life. It would have been faster to show me where they didn't.


My biggest fear (I believe) is being unwanted. This fear has caused me to jump through a lot of hoops and do a lot of stupid, damaging things. Mostly though it has kept me from living with dreams and hopes. It leaves me frightened and manipulative trying to protect myself. I don't risk because that could leave me standing alone again.


In January, I was given an opportunity to do something that felt very huge to me. Like a dream, too big to be real. Part of it felt like a risk. I was unsure I could do what I was asked but I jumped at the chance. For weeks, I stressed myself trying to control and perform at the level I thought I should. Physically, emotionally, the effects began to show up in my life. But I still pushed myself. Do you see how many times the word "I" is in that paragraph? I was trying my best to control the situation, to prove that I could do the job.


Another risk that I did not know existed jumped up and took this opportunity away. It pushed all my unwanted buttons, telling me I was not good enough to go. Evil whispered in my ear. Just a few days ago, I was thinking God was going to come through at the last minute and let me go. I fantasized all day about how He was going to get it done. But He did not. Friday is the day everybody leaves for this trip and I will not be going.


I feel Him comforting me and telling me to sit and not maneuver. Just let Him be in charge of what is happening. Last night, at Grace Group, I was feeling alone again. I was in an awkward situation and singled out in a bad way. But it did not control me like it could have. It felt yucky but not overwhelming. I have to learn the trust The Voice of Love. It said to me last night, "What you did was enough."


I have been given a gift of more free time recently and I don't know what to do with it. So I am asking and waiting. I am not trying to fill up my time but instead waiting to see what He wants for me.