Resistance

I have not bloggged in quite a while. I am fighting with myself over expressing my words. So I usually give up. I even posted one day and a few minutes later I took it down. I'm not exactly sure why it feels so hard right now. I am fighting through some resistance on something else I want to do with a small amount of success.

The post I took down had to do with a dream I had. On November 20th, I dreamed that I saw Jesus standing in front of me. He is holding an infant in His arms. It is my baby. And I walk up to Him and say, " Give me back my baby!" - Not in the kind of voice you would expect to use when talking to Jesus, not yelling but demanding. I don't remember anything else about the dream but that part was very clear.

The next day, November 21, my daughter is having a cat scan on her head. Late that afternoon, I am in HEB buying groceries. My son in law calls and tells me that the cat scan showed something. They are going for an MRI right then. Something is wrong. Terror and fear attack me in the store. I am crying and trying to get out of the store but I need the groceries. So I manage to get into the line and while I am waiting to check out, I remember the dream. Clear as a bell, it is there. Me telling Jesus to give my baby back. Not asking him to hold her. Not enjoying her together. What does this mean? Maybe it is random thoughts running through my brain but I don't think so. The timing is too significant.

I now know she has a brain tumor. And I am trying to rest in the fact that she is in His arms. She always has been and always will be.

addicted

For the first year we were married, my husband was a fireman. He was gone 1 out of every 3 nights. Then he got a job where he was gone a lot more than that. We had a 3-4 year break from traveling next. But that was 15 years ago. He had been traveling again up until about a year and a half ago. Suddenly they changed his job and he is almost always home. And I am addicted to his presence.

Last night he had to go to Houston. And I cannot sleep without him any more. I do not even get sleepy. On a normal night, I am fading fast at 10pm and out by 11. Last night I was wide awake at 1:30 am. So I gave in and crawled on his side of the bed and tried to smell his pillow and pretend he was there. Even if he is making me crazy or we are angry at each other, I need him there. And I probably fell asleep about 2:30am.

So I am addicted to the man and it is a good thing. One flesh.

Calcification

I am re-reading Metamorpha by Kyle Strobel. It is my third attempt to get through this book. There is so much meat in it that I haven't gotten finished with it yet. Once again I am struck deeply by something on page 20.

Sometimes we need a new way of seeing.

Cassie had an experience similar to mine She recalls the struggle she had in seminary when she was re-introduced to God: "I remember crying silently in the back row in several classes as I watched in horror the God that I knew and loved being smashed to pieces as professors unwittingly dismantled my view of God, blow after painful blow." A professor who understood and related to Cassie's experience offered a story he thought might help her. In Cassie's own words:

I will never forget the moment Professor Anderson captured this experience with a story that eased my pain. He told his systematic theology class about a woman who, in her later years of life, decided to begin playing piano. She searched for the best piano teacher she could possibly find ans asked him how she could become a master pianist such as himself. He looked hesitantly at her, asking if she was sure she warned to do this. He explained to her that at her age, the woman's bones had naturally calcified and were configured in a certain way. To play the piano, she would need to engage in finger exercises that would break this calcium down, thereby, giving her supple, flexible fingers that would allow her to extend to various keys. He warned her that the finger exercises and the calcium breakdown would be excruciatingly painful, as if her fingers were being smashed.

Cassie soon realized that her spiritual calcification was being broken down. Because of her presuppositions, Cassie needed not only to learn about God but also to unlearn what she falsely believed about God. Cassie believed she could just tack on new information about God to what she already had. Unfortunately, what we erroneously believe about God is often solidified and unyielding, so it is painful to break down.

It feels like I am going through a decalcification process too. Sitting in church each week feels painful sometimes and I try to decipher truth apart from my presuppositions. Or perhaps on top of them. A couple of friends visited our new church a couple of weeks ago and I felt defensive about what the pastor said, hoping they would like him too, hoping I wasn't in the wrong place. Their approval meant way too much to me. God has come out of the box that I have had him in and He feels so big and incomprehensible. This box was defined and rigid and clear. Not it just feels wild and untamed.

Anger

It must be the topic of the week - anger. So I decided to jump in too. I got mad.... no, furious at a friend this week. He was talking to my husband in our garage. He was talking about a subject I despise, his latest end of the world scenario. I asked him not to do it in front of me. I was strong in telling him that. I could have just gone upstairs and hidden while he was here but instead I stood up for myself and asked him not to. And he ignored me! I put up a barrier of protection for myself and he crashed through it to tell me more. His arrogance floored me. In my house, he treated me like a child - an ignorant child who needed to be scolded and told what was what.

I stood there and listened until I could get away. The fear he stirred up in me is not healthy. But it is biblical, according to him. He made me feel stupid and small. But the truth is he was being an arrogant jerk. And he wonders why people don't listen to him.

I remember feeling this angry a few times when I was a teenager. Once a boss talked to me like this. I was so mad that the top of my scalp tingled.

"In your anger do not sin:"
"for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires"

I believe my friend acts this way because he is an angry man. I am the child of an angry man. I don't know what to do with angry men, but I am trying to feel what I feel and not sin. I want to be what God desires but it is such a hard place.

Underdogs

Today, Texas Tech plays UT. AT our house, we will be cheering madly for the Red Raiders. I hate UT and always have. I was thinking about why. Here is my theory. I went to a junior high that usually got beaten by the Evans Eagles. Because I was in the band,I went to all the football games so I sat through a lot of bad games. When you have to go to games, in rain, in snow, and unbearable heat, you feel invested in them. Again, in high school, my school was the Mustangs and they were terrible at football. Our arch rivals were the Plainsmen and they always won. They were arrogant and I hated that. After they would beat us, the whole crowd from their side would sing, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be" to us. Moving on to college, I went to Texas Tech and they sucked back then. Week after week, we would sit and cheer for the underdog. And lose. On the rare occasion that we would beat somebody big, it was euphoric. Insane happiness over a stupid football game. So I hate Texas because they represent years of getting stomped by the big guys in town. And I always love the Cinderella team.

Anyway, there is a more important point to all this and I am getting there. Inside me, my emotions fight against my physical strength. They battle constantly and although emotions sometimes score a few points, generally they get their butts kicked. My emotions are the Cinderella team. They have been told for years that the are weak, ugly and useless. "Use your strength, don't cry like a baby." I have believed for so long that I don't need them. I just need to be a big girl and get the job done.

Today, emotions showed up not as "Cinder" ella, all dirty and beaten down. Today "Ella" showed up, in a beautiful dress, updo and high heels. And emotions gently and softly, tore through the wall that I had built around her for so long. She trumped the physical part of me with her beauty and kindness and tears. And Prince Charming said that he saw my soul. It was euphoric and insane happiness over the battle for the grounds of my heart.

Presidential furor

I just read the speech Obama is giving school children tomorrow. All I could think of was Bill Cosby. He has been criticized in the black community for telling black children and parents that they need to pay attention to their education. He has been very outspoken about the disintegration of black families. I thought he must be thrilled to see a black man with tremendous influence speaking out to American children of all colors.

I could be wrong. I know a black women who is conservative in her thinking. However she told me that one of the most significant events of her life was seeing Obama elected president. As a white female, I don't completely understand that but I believe her.

Maybe Obama can influence some children who are lost in the system to try harder. Maybe he can give some encouragement to a child who would not hear it from George Bush.

Now I don't agree with his politics or his policies. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. If he does this more and more, then I will get worried.

My brain

Something happened yesterday, something rather innocent. I told my husband something I was thinking about doing, wanting to do. It is something that is really impossible but I still think it would be great. He did not listen and I went nuts. I was hurt and angry and stormed downstairs to close up the house for the night. As I did, I saw things that were undone all over the house. Food left out, trash that needed to go out... Things that somebody "forgot". So I started doing it and getting madder. The voices in my head said "This is all you are good for," This is your job" "This is what a mom does" ....etc. My machine mode kicked in so fast it surprised me.

Lately I have been thinking about how mind numbingly boring being a housewife can be. It doesn't require much thought to do laundry, or cooking. I don't dislike doing those things. OK I HATE grocery shopping but I don't hate taking care of the house. I certainly enjoy taking care of my family. But there is this problem with my brain. It is screaming for more. It has been 26 years since it has been challenged and it is bored. Why did God give me a brain that likes to think and stretch just to fold towels for the rest of my life? Can I be a good mom and wife and do something else too?

I have thought about college. I fear I would fail due to brain atrophy. I don't know what to study. I didn't know in 1980 and I do not know now. I do know myself better now, so that is helpful. Also I don't have the money. Can I flip burgers again at 47? That sounds embarrassing but I might just do it. I mean that is what college students do, right? Get some crappy job to pay for school.

I am praying that God will show me a direction.


PS- I have a great husband who does not generally ignore me. I should not talk about important things when he is staring at a gun website! Lol!

Back in the blogging saddle

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately, so much so that I did something very out of character for me. I will explain later. I see so many people hurting in their marriage. I see lots of people surviving theirs, just existing together in the same house. I refuse to settle for that. My husband told me yesterday that he was so thankful that we have learned some tools to help our marriage stay strong. I really needed to hear that because I was feeling overwhelmed at the news that someone we know is separated and considering divorce after twenty plus years. My question to him was - is this possible to be happily married for life? It is hard, that is for sure. We recently watched Fireproof and it was better than I thought it would be but it felt too simple. 40 days of being nice to your spouse cannot change the rest of your life.

Anyway, last week Mike and I were sitting in a restaurant. Behind me was a man, I could not see him but I could hear every word he said. I even tried not to listen but he was venting his frustrations very loudly. He was talking about his wife and how she was upset with him and he was clueless. He talked about money problems, communication problems, male-female differences, etc. I could hear the anger, the hurt and the confusion in his voice. He sounded sincere in his efforts to fix it but without much success. Part of his conversation lead me to believe his parents had divorced. He ranted for 25 minutes. Something inside me was screaming for me to say something to him and yet I was scared to death. But I did. When we left I walked up to his table and told him I had heard him. His eyes were as big as saucers. He never said a word. I told him that I had been married a long time and I understood his frustrations. I also told him we had found some help through the grace group ministry. I gave him some contact info and walked off.

Now I am an officially crazy church lady! I was shaking by the time we got outside but I still felt lead to give him that information. Mike could not believe I had done that. I couldn't really either.

Goodbye

My family doesn't do goodbyes well. That hit home last week as we took Holly to the airport for a trip out of the country. We were clowning around with the big group she was with and then she just disappeared. I thought she was in the bathroom but finally I saw her going through security, too far away to say goodbye to. I couldn't even yell it. I was crushed. It was so disappointing. I'm not blaming her because I know she was excited to go.

I asked my oldest son what he thought about this dynamic of our family and he agreed. Just the night before, he said goodbye to Holly very briefly and jokingly. He knew he may not see her again for a long time because he is moving. He said it was awkward and it is just easier to avoid. He also said something that has really been bouncing around in my head. "If you don't feel the sorrow of someone leaving, then can you truly enjoy the joy at their return." Good question. I think Shakespeare said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow". In my brain, sweet and sorrow should not be side by side.

We will get the chance to walk through this awkward situation on both ends in the next few weeks. Holly will come home soon. Joy. My son and his wife will be leaving for grad school. Realistically, they might not ever live here again. Joy for the opportunity he is getting but sorrow for their absence. My oldest daughter and grandson are coming to visit right in the middle of both of these events. And then they will go home. We are anticipating a celebration of seeing them for 2 weeks but then comes the sorrow again. It hurts to even think about this.

I wish I knew how to walk through this well. But I am afraid that I don't, so I fear it will be awkward still. I am tired of feeling awkward.

new eyes

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut 4:29

I have read this verse before and only thought it said to look for God diligently. Look hard, work hard. The other day I read this and saw it differently. It said to look with your heart and soul. How do you do that? Certainly I cannot see Him with my eyes. But how do you see with your heart?

Dachshund Death March

Do not ever walk the blue loop at Mc Allister park....in July....at noon. I felt all adventurous this morning and wanted to go for a walk. I have been thinking about walking at McAllister Park but could not find any trail info on the internet. So I just took off.

I started down the blue trail with Doodle, our dachshund, who loves walking. It was 11am. This trail is big but I was not sure how long it was. After walking for 30 minutes, I begin to hear cars and think I must be looping around back to Jones Maltsberger. As I get closer to the road, I am stunned to see it is Starcrest. I am still going east and further way from Jones Maltsberger with each step. Poor Doodles tongue is dragging the ground by now. And she keeps stepping on my feet. She never does this. Finally I see a sign that says I have walked 2 miles. I think Doodle saw it too because she sat down ON MY FEET. No more walking for her. So now I am carrying a hot, 11 pound dog. I passed the next sign and it says 2 5/8 mile. I am still going east and I have not seen a human in a while. I finally saw the road that goes through the park and I bailed off the trail. I felt like it would get me out faster than continuing on the path.

But then I got turned around and nothing looked familiar. I got confused and felt a little panicky. Finally I saw a man cruising the park in his truck. I don't care in he was a gay man looking for a hookup, I was sure glad to see another human. I have now been walking an hour. I am still carrying the dog. My self sufficient side said keep going and you will eventually get there. However, I was worried about the dog. I didn't know if she could do it. So I called my knight in shining armor and he came and rescued us. And he didn't even laugh at my stupidity!

Doodle crashed when we got home and didn't move for 3 hours. Poor dog. She may never go with me again. I finally looked around more on the internet and read somewhere that the blue trail is over 6 miles. I was only half way! Next time I'm going without her and before 11 am!

Betrayal

Probably 4 months ago, this little word landed in my head. I was listening to Russ teach on betrayal and how it affects people. Nothing in this felt applicable to me until he said one thing. People who have felt the sting of betrayal tend to be hyper vigilant in their relationships. That felt like it belonged to me. It is very true of me. I remember feeling very curious about that word that night.

Last week I went to Lubbock and spent 14 hours alone in the car. It almost didn't happen. The dog got sick and then my daughter got sick with the flu. But something in me still felt the urge to go. Friday morning Holly was feeling better and I decided it was ok to leave.

I listened to Dan Allendar cds as I drove. I have heard all the teaching this spring. The first lesson I heard was on Powerlessness and I was pleased to see that it did not feel as true about me as it did just a few months ago. But the real surprise came when I put in the cd about Betrayal. I heard things I never heard before. It sank in and I got it. Some things Mike has been telling me for years made sense. Big things! I was amazed and overwhelmed as I was driving alone. I needed some solitude to think.

Two days later I was coming back home and I listened again and I kept having to pull over to write down things. It took a while to get home! I took 9 pages of notes.

Here are some of my epiphanies
- betrayal consists of feeling used and then discarded by someone close to you. I have experienced this numerous times. Honestly, who hasn't.
- I am suspicious of kind people
- I am perceptive due to the hyper vigilance but make poor conclusions based on all my data
- if you invite me to care, I will hate you because I am committed to self protection
- I am cautious, safe and therfore dull (ouch)

There is more to sort through and let go of. I am so grateful for this trip.

A Modern Day Pioneer Woman - Hero

This friendly person is my sister. And she is Laura Ingalls of this decade. 8 years ago, she decided to go for it. Give up what she knew and what was safe. Go west. Go on an adventure. She gave up her secure job, sold her house and took off. Alone. She loaded up her car and went to California in search of love and adventure. If I remember right, as she was leaving,her car was wrecked somehow and she had to duck tape her passenger door shut. Nothing was stopping her. She is the brave one.

I admire this so much in her. It scared me to death for her to do this. I would never do anything like this. I prefer to stay safe. No risk. But not Tresa, she went for it all. Some of her adventure has been heart breaking but some of it turned out great. She made new friends and saw new places. She has seen movie stars, whales, Vegas, broadway plays, etc. These things do not happen in Lubbock.

Now she is thinking about moving back to Texas. I would love to have her closer to us. Maybe it is time for a new chapter in her life. But she still has had an amazing adventure and I am glad she did. She saw what she wanted and risked a lot to get it. And for that she is a role model to me and my girls - she is a hero to emulate. Thanks Tresa.

Miss Congeniality

Today I was in the car listening to the oldies station and they played Crocodile Rock by Elton John. My mind went racing back to junior high and a party I was at where a friend did the jitterbug over and over to that song. I remember having such fun that night. Then another thing connected with her came back.

There were three of us who were really good friends in junior high. Teri was one of the three. She moved to Amarillo during junior high and the other two in our group threw her a going away party. Teri was a very sweet girl. So naturally many people liked her. For some reason we decided to vote for Miss Congeniality at this party. I think we watched too many Miss America pageants. Naturally Teri won this award. After all it was her party. But the thing I remembered was everybody at the party got at least one vote but me. I counted the votes and I was crushed. I remember thinking I was not likable or worse, just a mean person. I felt terrible the rest of the party like I had finally been let in on the joke and I was the joke. Strange memory but it showed up today out of the blue. Funny how old songs can take you back to places like nothing else can!

Day 1 of my Vacation

I generally think of vacations as going somewhere but this year my vacation is here at home. The Latin root for vacation is vacatio which means freedom from something or to vacate something. Well 4 members of my household vacated today. One more will be leaving on Tuesday. So technically I am vacationing.

So far it has been hard work. First I cleaned up the boys room and threw away only 18 water bottles this time (see previous post) They are pack rats with a capital P. Actually they are hoarders. Then I cleaned my room and vacuumed. Next I worked in the backyard with Hurley to help. Hurley is a 2 month old beagle who is loads of help. But she is entertaining. She thinks the shovel is wildly fun. She loves to stand in the way and bite your ankles as you work.

Then I pulled up some dead plants in the front yard, trimmed a tree and THEN I broke my toe. It didn't really hurt all that bad. I kicked a rock. I had just taken my shoes off. So then I put them back on just to keep from kicking it again. When I took my shoes off an hour or two later, I was shocked to see it was purple. And it hurts like crazy. All activity stopped. So my vacation just slowed down. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I will watch a movie with my feet propped up!

A Quarter of a Century

25 years ago, I became a mom and the whole world changed forever. Mike became a daddy. My sisters became aunts which they were very good at. They bought that baby more dresses than she could ever wear. They adored her completely.

The day she was born is fuzzy in my mind. As you can see in this photo I was drugged. They induced at 9:30 am and she was born at 11:17. I set the record at Methodist Hospital in Lubbock. All I remember of delivery is being fascinated by the clock! Demerol will do that to you.

Last week Holly and I had the oddest conversation about babies. What would happen if they were named based on their birth? I'm not sure how we got there but it was pretty funny. Whitney's name would have been "AAAAAAHHHHHH" Putman. I told Holly that her name would have been "COME OUT ALREADY" Putman. She was 8 days late. My name would have been "Hold on, we aren't at the hospital yet" Putman. My mom almost delivered in the elevator.

So Happy birthday Whit! You rocked my world and I have loved it all.

Very Belated Birthday

Yes I know it has 3 weeks since my birthday but I promised I would post these photos. So here they are. Out of order. I downloaded tham in backwards order so start at the bottom. Work with me. I'm getting old.

My kids and husband decided I needed a birthday party and it should be a surprise. As you can see from the photos, I was surprised. It was way fun. Contrary to photographic evidence, I did open my eyes during this party. It is a genetic flaw to shut them in photos.

Thanks to all who came and helped out. I am blessed to have good friends who can lie and keep secrets surprisingly well. They got me good!

Tomorrow is the big day!

Tomorrow Nate has his next surgery. This time the doctor will repair his palate. Hopefully, this will be the last surgery for a long time, maybe forever. They will also be doing a small repair on his nostril which is slightly misshaped. He is Georgetown Hospital with his mom and dad and Grandma and Grandpa Archer. I will be here pacing the floors.

Please pray for successful repair and healing. Also eating difficulties to be gone after his mouth heals. And while you are praying, his Daddy needs a job! Thanks and I will update ASAP.

How does this happen?

This weekend Taylor graduated high school. As I was listening to all the kids in her group tell their dreams and plans, something really hit me. Parenting teenagers has some really great perks. I remember as a new mom, many older parents would "ooh" and "aah" over my adorable babies and then they would warn "just wait until they are teenagers". I always hated that and have not found it to be true. I love having a houseful of teenagers. They can do things for themselves. I don't smell like spit up all the time. They sleep late! But the best part (this is what I realized) is you get to watch them figure out who they are. Little pieces fall into place all along their childhood but the big discoveries happen now. They stumble upon their passions and you get to see that excitement and share some of it.

Some of Taylor's gifts were evident the day we had this baby picture made. I remember it so well. She was charming everyone in Kmart that day. Normally we only bought the photos included in the package deal but I had to have this one because she had the employees wrapped up in her magic that day. That smile and laughter. And those amazing blue eyes. All three still work magically today. She lights up a room when she comes in and people are drawn to her joy. She will be walking around the house and break out in spontaneous dancing and singing. And then she has everybody laughing. Magic!

As a preschooler, she started t-ball, which she hated because it was a baby game. She wanted to play hard core. In middle school, she was asked to fill in on a fast pitch softball team one game and I knew she was hooked. The joy on her face that day as she slid safely into second place was evident. Watching her play in high school has been so much fun. She pulls people into the fun because her excitement is contagious.

Other things she loves are photographs, Spanish, music, pasta. But really her passion is her faith and people. She is a natural teacher and is great with kids. She is a good friend.

I am excited to see what God is going to do with her life. When she was a toddler, someone said that maybe she would be a missionary in a difficult country because of her strength and stamina. I don't know about that but I am watching and expecting the next chapter to be captivating - Taylor style!

Cold

This is me. For the last week I have been feeling a cold coming. Well on Saturday, it kicked my butt. Someday soon, my brain will work again and I might post something.

Extravagant

The word extravagant has been floating around my brain the last few days. Here are some of its definitions. The first one is how I would use it normally - spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper. The other two are more related to my thoughts this week - exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions
- going beyond what is deserved or justifiable

The synonyms go along the same path. Some describe irresponsibility - imprudent, spendthrift, prodigal. Others describe being over the top in a more positive light - excessive, unrestrained, fantastic, wild, absurd, preposterous.


I was at Bible study the other night and we were reading John 12.

"Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it. "Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."

Mary was extravagant here. Judas saw it as wasteful. I probably would have thought so too. Jesus saw it as wild, passionate, and fantastic. It was worship. The house was full of the fragrance. Someone mentioned that her hair would have carried that fragrance for some time, reminding her of her extravagance and His delight in her gift. It struck me that this is how God loves. People usually don't. He goes over the top and I want to see it when he does. I believe He showed me some of His extravagant gifts that night.

- Jared getting into the school of his dreams
- my time for the last month
- a friend's enjoying not working for the first time
- Nate's smile

Today I remembered a song by Casting Crowns about this same thing. It took me all day to remember enough words to look it up. I was blown away by the words that I had forgotten.
Another gift!

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ
there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known;
You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Worst Fear

I am awake at 3 am for some unknown reason. So I was reading a new book about how we live out our faith as either avoiding the God of our Worst Fears or trusting The Voice of Love. It rings true in my heart. I have spent a lot of years avoiding my fears and did not even know what they were. So God showed me the fears, defined them, named them. And He has been showing me where they show up in my life. It would have been faster to show me where they didn't.


My biggest fear (I believe) is being unwanted. This fear has caused me to jump through a lot of hoops and do a lot of stupid, damaging things. Mostly though it has kept me from living with dreams and hopes. It leaves me frightened and manipulative trying to protect myself. I don't risk because that could leave me standing alone again.


In January, I was given an opportunity to do something that felt very huge to me. Like a dream, too big to be real. Part of it felt like a risk. I was unsure I could do what I was asked but I jumped at the chance. For weeks, I stressed myself trying to control and perform at the level I thought I should. Physically, emotionally, the effects began to show up in my life. But I still pushed myself. Do you see how many times the word "I" is in that paragraph? I was trying my best to control the situation, to prove that I could do the job.


Another risk that I did not know existed jumped up and took this opportunity away. It pushed all my unwanted buttons, telling me I was not good enough to go. Evil whispered in my ear. Just a few days ago, I was thinking God was going to come through at the last minute and let me go. I fantasized all day about how He was going to get it done. But He did not. Friday is the day everybody leaves for this trip and I will not be going.


I feel Him comforting me and telling me to sit and not maneuver. Just let Him be in charge of what is happening. Last night, at Grace Group, I was feeling alone again. I was in an awkward situation and singled out in a bad way. But it did not control me like it could have. It felt yucky but not overwhelming. I have to learn the trust The Voice of Love. It said to me last night, "What you did was enough."


I have been given a gift of more free time recently and I don't know what to do with it. So I am asking and waiting. I am not trying to fill up my time but instead waiting to see what He wants for me.

Now I have heard it all

I was surfing the internet the other day. Reading blogs. I was reading the blog of a man who runs a curriculum company for homeschoolers. He was discussing a group of homeschoolers in Colorado that would not allow his company to show its products because it was not conservative enough. There are some seriously nutty homeschoolers. So I started going to links that he had posted about where this can lead to and found something that goes way beyond nutty homeschoolers. It is called CDD - Christian Domestic Discipline. Here are some excerpts from what I read.


A domestic discipline marriage is one in which one partner in the marriage is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.



Domestic discipline is highly individual and private in nature. Each couple must decide for themselves how they will carry out discipline in their own households, but usually it starts with long talks between the couple to establish expectations for their own domestic discipline relationship, responsibility accepted by the dominant partner, and consent given from the submissive one. Rules are generally set down, sometimes written, sometimes spoken, and consequences set. Not all domestic discipline relationships use spanking as the only consequence or even as a consequence at all. Some couples prefer other punishments; such as, writing lines, corner time, and grounding. Some couples pair these other punishments with spanking. Most domestic discipline couples practice some form of spanking, which seems to come in three categories: play spanking, maintenance spanking, and punishment spanking.


A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is simply a marriage set up according to Biblical standards.Therefore, in a CDD marriage, the husband is the authority of the household. The wife is submissive to her husband as if the Lord Himself was her husband.



This part is really disturbing!
NONCONSENUAL CONSENT
Nonconsensual Consent is what is commonly used in Christian Domestic Discipline marriages.The concept of nonconsensual consent is that consent is given in the beginning for the relationship. Essentially, the wife is giving her husband permission to decide when, where, how, how often, and under what circumstances he may punish her based on the parameters they have agreed upon in their prior discussions.A wife may withdraw or amend consent at any time other than just before, during, or just after punishment.



Now that you know what your wife "REALLY" wants, talk about it, try to understand her, and try to meet her needs, and if she has asked you for the physical, but you just can't bring yourself to do that, well then at LEAST give her some occasional "me man, you woman" stinging swats either in passing, or when she is getting a bit feisty or sassy… you know the kind, the ones that make her go "mmm hmmm he's a man, my man, and he is in control" the "I'm HIS girl…." kind of playful, or warning swats, you can't imagine just how good they make her feel. Oh she will say "ow" feign a pout, or even give you the "what was that for" but deep down she is shivering at your "manliness", and thinking, "hmm I had better watch myself or he may just take me over his knee" and the thought of that causes her to tremble with excitement, anticipation, fear and feelings beyond words.

This is written by a woman in a CDD marriage.
He talks with me throughout the punishment. He asks me "Are you doing ok? This behavior has to stop. Be still. You are doing good, hun." and so on. When he pulls me up, if I am not completely repentant and in tears, I go back OTK. When we are done, I am drawn to his chest and he holds me tight while further lecturing me. I am at peace, I am truly sorry and ready to change, and my only desire is that of pleasing him in all I do. If in a few hours my attitude is back (very rarely does that happen, he can usually tell right away) then it's back otk for more. (by the way, OTK means over the knee)

There are even books (romance books?) about this subject.
Mothering; A Spanking Romance CollectionMothering; A Spanking Romance Collection (book)
Print: $8.19
Download: $3.95
This collection of stories follows three moms who are part of Christian Domestic Discipline relationships with their husbands. In the first story, a new mom must learn to take care of herself so that she can give the best possible care to her baby. In the second story, a mom of school-aged children learns time management. And in the third story, a mother of a teenager must learn to be stricter with her daughter. Please note: these stories contain the spanking of adult women.

These men are supposedly trying to love their wives like Christ loves His bride. They discipline their wives for simple things like not cleaning out the cat box. But I see Jesus responding to adultery differently in John 8. He speaks the truth yet shows love and forgiveness. He does not offer condemnation or violence.

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Public School Week 1

Well today is the end of week 1 of our new adventure. I have done several things this week that seem so normal to most moms but were firsts for me. Putting a kid on the bus, packing lunches, scrambling for lunch money, helping with homework, buying gym clothes, sitting in a pick up/drop off line. Weird.

It has been a good week for the kids. They have come home happy most days. No tears, no meltdowns. I came the closest to that. I was a little panicky Sunday night and sick at my stomach. Since then, I have taken a few naps, gone shopping, watched a couple of movies, did a little yard work... Basically not much but relaxing.

The kids have learned about cafeteria food. The first day Holly came home and when we asked her what she had for lunch she said, "I don't know." Luke had chicken fried steak and said it tasted close to crap. (Who taught these kids to talk like that?) So mostly they took their lunch. They have gotten lost. They have had a hard time opening their lockers. Luke tried 3 times to open the wrong locker. Holly was assigned to 2 classes that don't exist and her schedule completely changed. Unfortunately the school forgot to tell her old teachers that she was no longer in their class so the office called us to report our child was skipping class. Today was the first day she had a "normal" day. Last night Cody had a math problem neither Mike nor I could figure out. LOL

I have been impressed mostly this week by my own kids. They have handled this so well. And they are excited about learning new things. One of the goal of most homeschoolers and probably most parents in other schools, is for their child to learn to love learning. I saw that this week as their options expanded. That was cool to see. I helped give them that and I pray they always keep it. I was also reminded this week of something God has shown me many times. He is a great parent and He is a great teacher. And I am immensely grateful for His goodness to me and my kids.

weary

Today I am weary. Last night as I was driving home from CBC, I could feel it coming. Not just your regular tiredness. More than that. Drained, physically and emotionally. By the time I got home I was feeling sick and could barely make it up the stairs. I went straight to bed.

I am tired of being pushed and stretched. Tired of growth and change and pain. Struggling to show up but wanting to check out. Our group last night was a struggle for me. Good things were going on but I was at war in my mind. Whatever I did was never enough. Somebody always wants more and I don't have it right now. I feel like an old poster with a cat hanging onto a tree limb by it's claws. It said something like "Hang on Baby cause Friday's coming!" I feel like quitting . I feel like Jacob at the end of a long night of wrestling with God. Exhausted.

49

I was looking for something in one of the kid's room (anonymous kid). As I was looking, I started picking up some mess and laundry and pretty soon I was cleaning. Then I made the mistake of looking under the bed. It was crammed full of dirty socks, underwear, pens, math books, dirty dishes and water bottles. I started pulling out crap and saw why anonymous kid never has socks. They were all under the bed. And more water bottles. Soon I am under the bed with water bottles. I was pulling them out, more and more. I began to laugh because I could not believe what I was seeing. Most of the bottles were almost full. 3 had never been opened. So I began to dump them out and throw them away. I filled up a trash can and then another. Outside in the recycle bin, I decided I would count them. 49 EMPTY WATER BOTTLES. Unbelievable.

Pandora's Box

It seems like I have opened up a big can of worms in my head and my heart. The definition of a can of worms is "a complex, troublesome situation arising when a decision or action produces considerable subsequent problems." That sounds ominous.

We are considering putting our 2 youngest in public school. Believe it or not this idea was reborn after a sermon including this verse. 1 Timothy 6:17 - Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. The last part is what got to me. I am a firm believer that God gives us what we need. I have experienced it many times and in many big ways. But I have not considered that He could provide something in His richness for my enjoyment or for the enjoyment of my kids.

I have enjoyed homeschooling my kids tremendously but that feeling is gone mostly. I don't think they enjoy it either. They are lonely and bored. I keep trying to muster up some excitement for it again but it just won't come. I trust myself way too much here. I heard a pastor say this weekend, "I am not as sovereign as I think I am." Can I trust Him enough to do this for me? Yesterday the answer was yes. It seemed everybody I talked to had words of encouragement in such specific ways that I was blown away. Today the answer in not so clear. I have sat with one child in his fear of all these changes today. I have been told that they will be eaten alive in public schools. The boys have not liked decisions we have made about this. Also I went shopping with them and saw their concern about their clothes not being good enough. I am torn in two by all this.

The term Pandora's Box came to mind but I could only remember part of the story. So I looked it up on wikipedia. Here is part of what it said.

After Promethius' theft of the secret of fire, Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create the woman Pandora as part of the punishment for mankind. Pandora was given many seductive gifts from Aprodite, Hermes, Hera, Charies, and Horae. For fear of additional reprisals, Prometheus warned his brother Epimetheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus, but Epimetheus did not listen, and married Pandora. Pandora had been given a large jar and instruction by Zeus to keep it closed, but she had also been given the gift of curiosity, and ultimately opened it. When she opened it, all of the evils, ills, diseases, and burdensome labor that mankind had not known previously, escaped from the jar, but it is said, that at the very bottom of her box, there lay hope.

Isn't it interesting that her curiosity is considered a gift, yet it unleashed many unpleasant things in the world. But ultimately it led to hope. That is what I need is hope, not in a myth but a God who gives generously good things.

Two young bulls

This is what my house looks like today. I have 2 young bulls testing each other and themselves all day. They are driving me crazy. I have laughed with other moms of teenage boys about having too many bulls in my barn before. We were talking about husbands and sons. But it never dawned on me that someday I would have a unique problem as the mother of twin boys. They have wrestled since before they were born. They would fight in the bathtub. As toddlers, after baths, they had naked twin wrestling which is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Now it is not funny. There are hurt feelings and anger. Not too much laughing either. I never had a brother so this feels unusual but maybe it is not. I don't know what to do or not do.

Back to the barn!

Life theories

This week I was reminded of one of my darkest days. 10 years later it still kills me. Any Asian child reminds me. Mention the word Korea or adoption and my mind goes there. Agony. Confusion. Loneliness. I wonder if I will ever get over it. No friends came along side us in our grief of losing a child. He did not die but it felt like he did. And a part of me died that day too. So many unanswered questions. Why does God allow us to dream big dreams and even seemingly come and help us along, then later allow them to be dashed against the rocks?

This week another dream crashed. I am not a dreamer. I just don't allow myself. It feels like torture. My husband is a dreamer and it makes him angry that I don't dream. But somehow I allowed myself to want this something. It snuck in under the radar and got hold of me. Leading and teaching at SALTS. And on Tuesday, it blew up in my face. I am not going. They don't need me because not enough people signed up. How many times do I have to do this? Why does this happen? I know I will move on and get over it but I just don't get it. This time I was not alone in my sadness. Friends are sitting with me in it but it is still mine alone. Today during a meeting, someone would just mention SALTS and I would crater again. Fighting back tears and losing.

Now, I know, in the big scheme of life, this is no big deal. I am not dying. My child is not dying. I still have a family and a home and am safe. But it still sucks and I still don't know what to do with it. Everybody tells me to feel it and so I am. I laugh with my adult kids sometimes that my life theory is "Being an adult sucks". One of my husband's favorites is "Life is messy" or sometimes "It sucks to be you!" Amen!

Laugh for today

This Land Was Made For Me Not You
Fast Food Medford, OR, USA
Me: “Hello, May I take your order?”
Customer: “Yes I’d like two bean burritos, 2 fah-jee-tuhs, grilled stuffed burritos, and a large drink.”
Me: “Fah-jee-tuh?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “You mean fajitas?”
Customer: “No, we don’t pronounce it like that! We’re in America, not Mexico!”

http://notalwaysright.com/

As a former waitress, store clerk, fast food worker etc etc., I love this website.

Feeling words

At the end of each night of Grace Groups, everybody gives a word to describe what they feel like. I think this is designed to get you to re-connect with the fact that you feel things. Most of the time I was not aware that I was feeling much of anything. That is called numb.

Well today I got a lesson in feeling from this ministry- way more than I ever thought I could learn in one day. At the end of my day I feel......

angry
explosive
disappointed
repulsed
lost
humiliated
left out
embarrassed
doubtful
shocked
defeated
lonely
uncertain
betrayed
hopeless
spent

It has been quite a day. I think I'll go to bed.

Kitchen Tables

I read somewhere that a woman's life revolves around her kitchen table. That has been floating around in my brain a few days.
I have been thinking about the
tables we have had. The first table
we had looked like this retro 1950
set. My grandmother died right before I got married and we got
her table and chairs. The chairs had been recovered in gold. Ugly but it was our first table. Meals for 2.

The next table was a hand me down too but it was wooden and looked much nicer. Table for 4. It lasted until we had 3 kids and needed more room.
The next table, Mike made and it morphed several times. This is only possible if you live with a woodworker. First it sat 6 and was rectangular then it was round and sat 9, then it morphed back to a smaller round for 4.
Weird. The table we have now, Mike also made. It has also morphed a few times. Currently it can seat 14. The tables morphed as our family grew and shrank. Usually it is dinner for 6 these days.

Life has certainly revolved around these tables. Sewing, taxes, groceries, coloring books, play dough and phonics books have all sat on my table. The kids have learned math, reading, Bible verses, handwriting and other subjects at the kitchen table. Meals, good and bad. I once poisoned my husband, accidentally, with his favorite meal on his birthday! Celebrations, holidays, wrapping gifts that we couldn't wait to see them open. On top of the morphing round table, our twins were circumcised. About 4 years later, the kids and I were eating lunch one day at the kitchen table and Mike tried to drive a bobcat through the back wall and join us at the table! Luke's eyes were as big as saucers.

We have had company eat at these tables. Friends we never see anymore and some friends we still do see. The kids have their friends around the table to eat and play games. Lots of laughing.
I remember doing a Bible study years ago with a couple who were new believers. We decided to study Hebrews (????) Mostly we sat there confused and laughed at how little we understood.
Just yesterday, we were sitting at the table watching Nate crawl via Skype. It is not as good as the real thing but it was still great.

We have fed as many as 40 here, not all at one table of course. 15 people are not uncommon. Someday, I suppose, Mike or I will sit and eat alone at the table, wishing for someone to come and eat with us. Table for 1.

redefining katy

I have a friend who has a unusual habit of giving her friends presents on her birthday. It is usually something significant, something she has thought about a lot. One year it was an animal print coffee mug to remind her friends we serve a wild God. One year it was thongs and I'm not sure what that was about. This year it was something she wrote about each one and framed. I have had mine for a month now and haven't hung it. It feels too big, too much. Here is mine.

The Katy that I see is

Knowledgeable of who she is in Christ. She walks a life of freedom in Christ and helps others to do the same.

Anointed - Like Jesus, she makes it her goal to heal those with broken hearts. Her heart aches for those who have been abused and wounded in life and she does all she can to help them heal and be whole.

Tenacious - She has a resolute and confident faith in God who always causes her to triumph in life. Knowing she is empowered by God, she never gives up. Instead she presses forward putting her hope in God alone.

A River, not a swamp - God has blessed her with the gift of bringing life, refreshment and healing to women whose lives seem dry and hopeless. Like a river, she helps restore that which was thought to be dead, back to life so it can bear fruit for the kingdom.

Influential - Her desire is to make a difference, so she does not hold back but does whatever it takes to help people see their value in the kingdom. All those who come in contact with her are blessed.

Nurturer - She has a heart of compassion that is touched by the hurt and pain of others. Her primary concern is for her family and she finds great joy in caring for and encouraging the growth and success of each member.

Above and Not Beneath - She knows the rightful place of authority; that she is the head and not the tail so she does not make her back like the ground, but rises up to the glory of God.


I wish these words were completely true but it is a journey I am on.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's morning, I had to go to the grocery store. I hadn't planned on it but we needed eggs. I walked in and was surrounded by balloons and flowers and men trying desperately to figure it all out. I have watched this before on other Valentine's Days. Before it had amused me, but this time I felt curious. I saw one particular man wondering around, clueless. He went from the stuffed animals to the cards and back again. These guys are what HEB thrives on. They know he is clueless and would buy anything if he thought it would make his girl happy. I felt sorry for him. Later as I was finishing up, I saw him again with a red and white puppy in his hand. He looked satisfied with it but was still scrambling for more. It was kind of pathetic to watch.

I was curious about what makes a guy decide what to buy. Or for that matter what makes a girl want a red stuffed puppy. It is something I have struggled with myself. What to do with Valentines Day. For years, I declared I wanted nothing. It was better than being disappointed. Then in the last few years, I realized I want something but what? My poor husband!

Finally this year I think I have an idea. I want something from the heart. I know that doesn't help my husband much but I finally understand. Once he gave me a bear and I loved it. This year I got a card with his words inside and I cried. It was perfect because his heart was in it. If he had showed up with a stuffed puppy, flowers and balloons I probably would have been mad. Because I don't think that would have expressed his heart. Not this year.

Before he gave me the card, I could feel the disappointment sitting, waiting to pounce on me but I held off....hoping. And his card surpassed all I could hope for. It described what we have, what we don't have and who we are and how he loved it all and wanted more. After I cried, I laughed hysterically at all the misspellings. It was awesome.

Someday, when I am skinny (if I ever live that long), the perfect thing will be candy. Until then, that's just one more thing I don't want!

choice

Living with deadness is a choice, my choice. Allender says that living as a dead soul is an assault against God, who creates life. "To live as a dead being before the living God is to say that death is preferable to life with Him."

"The refusal to be dead is the choice to admit and embrace our existence; I am not a shadow, a quiet ghost, a substanceless vapor. I am a person who can enjoy and be enjoyed by God and who can relate to others in a way that draws them to an enjoyable relationship with God."

This feels true and real today in a new way. Exciting. Scary. Sad. Hopeful.

The Bride

The bride is going across town to take her bridal portraits. It is June and it is hot outside. She is driving his truck and feels loved in this truck. It smells of him, the groom. She has her hair in curlers, in public, but she doesn't care. She feels pretty today. She even goes through a drive through to get a drink. Who cares if she looks silly. The big white dress is hanging in the truck. Ruffles and lace.

She is going alone. Nobody came along. Alone feels peaceful. Protected.

As the wedding gets closer, this peace fades and the bride feels impatient to get to the day. Little bits of the joy of the day are leaving, taken away. She wrecks her car, then worries about getting it fixed in time to take the trip. Moving her belongings, picking her cake, sewing dresses - it feels overwhelming to do alone. Her mother doesn't like the cake. The cake topper is childish. The flavor is wrong. It is all too expensive. Words feel like little stabs.

The day before, the bride is informed she must attend another wedding on her day. It is the right thing to do. Find the time. She doesn't fight for herself. Another stab. A little blood is leaking out. Sitting at that wedding feels like torture. Her mother says it was the most beautiful wedding ever. Another bandaid is needed.

Finally the time arrives. No more deciding. Right or wrong. It is done. The orange cake was supposed to be pink but it doesn't matter. Her nails didn't get done but she ran out of time. The white dress is on, covering the wounds and bandages. She hopes he won't see. If he knew, would he stay? It feels like a chain is on her foot. She must be careful to hide it as she walks. All the baggage is covered up. The door opens and he is waiting there. She wants to run - away from her dad's elbow. To him, the groom. She is bouncing now, like a sprinter before a race. Anxious to start. Why is it taking so long? The music is slow. She must control her urge to speed up.

The groom has finally come. She has looked for him for a long time. She gave up. He tells her about The Groom. The One who is coming to take the bride home. The Groom doesn't care about the wounds. He knows them and loves anyway. He sees it all. No hiding.

Words

When did I come to believe that my words become dangerous? Someone asked me that tonight after watching me struggle to say good things that seem frozen in my mind. I feel mute. So I am vomiting every message that I can think of that I ever got about my words.

When I was little, my sisters talked for me. People would ask what my name was and before I could answer they would say, “ Her name is Katy” “How old are you?” people would ask and they would say, ‘”She is 4 .”

In 1st grade when I started school, I talked all the time and I would get bad marks on my report card saying I talked too much in school. My parents thought the teacher did not know who I was. Eventually I got a spanking in school for talking. The rule at our house was if you got a spanking at school, you got one at home. So if I told the truth, I got into trouble. So not telling felt safer. It has always felt huge to me that I lied to them but what choice did they give me.

I remember feeling really brave when I was about 13 and smarting off to my dad. I kept pushing him with my words. I remember sitting at the dinner table. The tension is rising and my sister are squirming, wishing I would shut up. He told me to stop being a smart aleck and I said back, “Well I may be smart, but my name is not Aleck” I thought he would kill me. I don’t remember him touching me but he was so mad. I was sure he would explode or have stroke or something.

I was talking on the phone once with my cousin and she asked if we were coming over there that day and I said, “Yeah maybe.” I did not mean anything. We got together with my dad’s family a lot on the weekends. Well she must have said something to her mom, who is my dad’s sisters. He hated this sister and she must have said something to him. Probably something rude. They cannot talk to each other without an explosion. He chewed me out for promising to go over there which is ridiculous. Not like he ever listened to what we wanted to do anyway. But we did go over there and I was somehow at fault.

I love words. I love English and I love journalism. In high school I was editor of the school newspaper. I loved the edginess of saying things that were true but nobody wanted to hear . Asking hard questions, criticizing the system. One time the cheerleaders at a football game did a cheer that my dad felt was racist. Basically they were mocking stereotypical black dialect. He was griping about it and I told him he should write a letter to the editor (which was me) So he did. I loved him for it. It felt like he got me for once. I got all kinds of grief about it at school but I was secretly proud of him for rocking the boat. The newspaper staff did not get into trouble for that but we got into plenty of trouble with the Principal. We were constantly told to not print something and that if we did he would shut down our department. I loved my teacher. Mama Marge, we called her. She encouraged me to study journalism at the school she thought was great. I wanted to be a journalist and change the world with my words. That idea got shelved to do lack of money so I became an accounting major at the local college. And I hated it. And I quit.

I am a word nerd. I like to look in a thesaurus. I like grammar rules and spelling correctly. I had to look up smart aleck just to make sure i spelled it right because it would drive me crazy for it to be seen as a mistake.

If having too many words gets you into trouble, then not having any makes you invisible. I can be invisible. Literally, I have stood in line and have the person behind me waited on first. Mike has seen this happen more than once. Once I was in a cell phone store. There was nobody in the store but me and 3 of my kids. The 2 employees were talking behind the counter and I was waiting. This went on and on and they were not doing work. They were just talking. I waited and waited and finally after about 10 minutes I butted in and asked if they could help me. Amazingly enough, one of them says to me, “Oh I thought somebody else had helped you.” There was nobody else in the store.

When I got married, my mom’s best friend made the cake. I asked for lemon cake because I love it and she said no because too many people don’t like flavors. Ok. So much for bridezilla. The day of the wedding, I am astonished to see the cake is cherry flavored which I hate and yet I cannot say anything because she did this as a favor to my mom.

As an adult, I distrust women who talk a lot. They feel too big and wear me out. They intimidate me.

I have just learned to shut up. It is easier. My husband loves to talk so I let him. Sometimes he talks on top of me, answering questions for me and I feel invisible again. Sometimes it feels easy when he talks for me.

My messages - don't talk, choose your words carefully, don't speak the truth, don't ask for what you want, my words are unnecessary, shut up and be a good girl, use precise words

ROFL Part 2

Today's note was much less friendly. Holly got up at 4 am to go to the Cowboy Breakfast. They were freezing so they came home and crashed.


"I was up way before it should be legal. Don't you dare wake me up! Rawr!!!

Me

ROFL

My very imaginative daughter left me a note taped to her door last night. This is what it said.


There is no need that you should feel obligated to awake me this morning. Studies show that the more sleep one gets, the better that person excels that day. Now, you don't want me to fail in any of my classes, especially my cake class. Because if I fail in my cake class, then I may become traumatized from all things cake and them never continue my education in cake decorating. What if I am to one day become a famous cake designer and eventually save the world from disaster by making cakes. How can one save the world bu using cakes, you might ask. Well very simply.... What if the head of Russia decides he is going to destroy the world by dropping dozens of atomic bombs. I just happen to know that he loves koala bears and has a sweet tooth. I could make him a delicious koala bear cake and and as he is entranced in my cake, I will talk him out of destroying the world. Now you wouldn't want to have to live (or die) with the thought that you woke me up one morning too early, therefore causing me to fail in cake class and then I never learned to make yummy koala cakes and the world explodes cause you wanted me awake. Wouldn't that make you feel guilty. Now if you chooses to not wake me up you will in fact save the world.

Sincerely,
Holly ( the cakester)


We are all in mortal danger now because I did in fact wake her up!

Cool Cakes by Holly

I want to ride the ferris wheel instead

I thought I had blogged about risk once before and sure enough I found it. Back in Decmber. Out of self protection, I was very vague about the big risk I took and now I cannot remember what it was. Funny how something that seems so big, just a few months ago, I cannot even recall. Maybe that is a good thing.



I felt like I took a risk today and it felt really small thinking about it before hand. But when the time came, it felt heavy and huge. I said it anyway and now I feel foolish and exposed. Kind people were there and said all the right things but still I feel like I gained 100 pounds. When I got back home I wanted to eat - everything. It was an incredible urge, like a monster inside me screaming. I didn't eat HEB out of business but it is interesting that I wanted to. The next feeling to hit was being silly. I was singing in public and laughing at everything. It was fun but it passed. Now I feel very thoughtful and tired. I am on a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters. Hanging on and trying not to vomit.

Welcome to my world!

Since my last post, I have tried to get back and write something but haven't had a minute. Life gets a little crazy around here sometimes but the past two weeks have redefined craziness.



Jan 7 - Dentist appointment for 4 of us. We sit there for 2 hours before the receptionist notices us in the lobby and informs we that we do not have an appointment. We did have an appointment but she screwed up. I am angry and feel like removing her head. But I don't.



Jan 8 - Holly has an ingrown toenail removed. I have a meeting. Jared and Jess are in town and Luke has a basketball game. Holly has cake decorating class and the boys have Awana. Mike decides we should go out to eat and a movie alone tonight before all of the rest of our company shows up. He is a smart man!



Jan 9 - Whitney, Daniel and Nate arrive! We completely freak the little guy out at the airport.
We stay up way too late talking and laughing.



Jan 10 - We now have 11 people in the house and 3 more friends drop by to see Whitney and family. We cook out yummy steaks for dinner. Luke is running a fever and has a bad backache and headache.



Jan 11 - My parents are now here too. And my dad is mad at me. He won't even talk to me. 13 for lunch. We do family photos at the park. My dad decides to take us all out to eat. We have a great time at La Fogata laughing and trying new things and Jared drinks the biggest margarita I have ever seen. Luke is feeling a little better but tells me he has blood in his urine. I worry.



Jan 12 - I call our pediatrician to get an appointment and they give me a hard time about the fact that they have not seen him in so long. I am suppressing the desire to sarcastically tell them that I am sorry he is too healthy. But we did get an appointment and Nate gets to go along. I had told Whit I would keep him so she could go shopping with my parents. It has been a long time since I ran around with a baby - strollers, bottles, diapers, car seats. We are gone all afternoon because we are sent somewhere else to get blood drawn. The doctor tells him to rest and come back Friday.



Jan 13 - Mike's parents come to see Nate. 11 people and 2 dogs and a baby. The house is full of talking and laughing.



Jan 15 - My sister, Tresa, is supposed to come today but she has strep throat. She is so sick that she cannot talk and has white spots all over her throat. She is so disappointed and so are we. Cake class again and Holly makes the most amazing cake yet. I will have to post photos of her creations soon.



Jan 16 - Luke goes back to the doctor. There is till blood in the urine and now protein too. She says he has Glomerulo nephritis, a kidney disease. More worry and I start praying harder. We need to see a nephrologist. I learn some new words today. My other sister, her daughter and granddaughter come also. 14 people now. We stay up too late again. Who needs to sleep.



Jan 17 - We are having a birthday party for Holly tonight. Last year for her birthday, she got strep throat so I want to make this special for her. I wake her up to Panera bagels and cream cheese. She is more than happy to get up. She bakes 2 more cute cakes and totally trashes the kitchen. 5 more people drop by. She wants to be able to dance at the party and we move all the furniture out of our living room to have a dance floor. 14 family members and 11 party guests and we are overflowing. They did line dancing and square dancing. My parents showed them how. There was some swing dancing and the worm and the Charleston. The kids did Driving the Bus dance. Way fun. Once again we are up late.



Jan 18 - We wake up to the stomach bug. Lea Ann, Lorin and Lyza are all sick. And I am sanitizing everything I see. I am exhausted. I have a meeting that afternoon and I can't find the house and I don't know the code to the gate to get in and I am freaking out and I start crying. Meltdown.



Jan 19 - Mike and Daniel are both sick. My dad too. I am scrubbing everything again.



Jan 20 - Now Whitney is sick. At midnight Luke is unable to sleep because his back is hurting so bad.



Jan 21 - We end up in the ER until 5 am. Luke has an infection in his bladder. the doctor is very vague. My car breaks and Mike needs a root canal and is hurting. Whitney and Daniel have been trying all week to go on a date and this is their last chance so Nate and I are home alone. It is wonderfully quiet. Tomorrow they go home. I know it is time for them to go but I have enjoyed them so much. Nate is such a delight.



All the while all this craziness is going on, we are trying to do school, work, laundry etc. I may sleep for a week after tomorrow.

Road trip down memory lane

I just made a 900 mile trip to see this sweet face. This is my grandmother, Vada, who is 95 years old. She was sure surprised to see me walk into her room at the assisted living facility in Wellington, Texas.

This is the Ritz theater that has just re-opened after years of sitting vacant. I saw Jeremiah Johnson and Bless the Beasts and the Children here as a kid.

This is the house where Santa found me every Christmas. It used to be brown with pink trim.

The park where my sisters and cousins spent many afternoons every summer.

My grandparents church, where so many memories began. About 1970, I first met my aunt's new boyfriend in this building. He is now my uncle. I can still remember the joke he told me that day. There was a man in this church who gave us chewing gum every time we saw him. Also my grandfathers funeral was here. I was a new believer and it felt like a celebration of his life because for the first time I understood his faith.

In the panhandle of Texas, late fall is cotton picking season and roadsides look like snowfall but it is really cotton.

Going to the cemetery with my grandparents. They had the oddest habit of showing everybody who came to town their plots. It was very creepy when we were teenagers.

My grandparents kitchen which has pumpkin orange counter tops. Both of their houses had this.
They both loved bright colors. Pink house and orange kitchen!

This peacock cracks me up. About 20 years ago, she gave all the girls in the family one. I thought it was hideous but obviously she loved it and wanted to share it with us.