Life theories

This week I was reminded of one of my darkest days. 10 years later it still kills me. Any Asian child reminds me. Mention the word Korea or adoption and my mind goes there. Agony. Confusion. Loneliness. I wonder if I will ever get over it. No friends came along side us in our grief of losing a child. He did not die but it felt like he did. And a part of me died that day too. So many unanswered questions. Why does God allow us to dream big dreams and even seemingly come and help us along, then later allow them to be dashed against the rocks?

This week another dream crashed. I am not a dreamer. I just don't allow myself. It feels like torture. My husband is a dreamer and it makes him angry that I don't dream. But somehow I allowed myself to want this something. It snuck in under the radar and got hold of me. Leading and teaching at SALTS. And on Tuesday, it blew up in my face. I am not going. They don't need me because not enough people signed up. How many times do I have to do this? Why does this happen? I know I will move on and get over it but I just don't get it. This time I was not alone in my sadness. Friends are sitting with me in it but it is still mine alone. Today during a meeting, someone would just mention SALTS and I would crater again. Fighting back tears and losing.

Now, I know, in the big scheme of life, this is no big deal. I am not dying. My child is not dying. I still have a family and a home and am safe. But it still sucks and I still don't know what to do with it. Everybody tells me to feel it and so I am. I laugh with my adult kids sometimes that my life theory is "Being an adult sucks". One of my husband's favorites is "Life is messy" or sometimes "It sucks to be you!" Amen!