I think I spend a lot of my time dragging around chains. Pretty heavy ones too. Sometimes I let them go or perhaps I give it to God. Maybe Satan deceives me into thinking they are not as heavy most days. This week they reappeared, dragging me down into a black hole.
I have been thinking about why some days the chains feel like they weigh a ton. I was wondering if perhaps, Satan slowly puts a little bit of the chain on your neck where it is almost imperceivable, even comfortable. Then slowly, slowly he releases more and more of the weight until that opportune moment when something painful happens and then he drops the whole weight and I suddenly fell the impact of it all. Oh no, here I am again. I spend a few hours or days trying to wiggle out of the imprisoning weight but to no avail. Then slowly, it begins to fade, and I feel relief from the pull of the chains, and eventually I go back to my blissful ignorance. Then the cycle starts all over again.
A few months ago, the most amazing thing happened. For about a week, I felt so free and joyous. No chains, no baggage. It was amazing. It was the strangest experience and I cannot explain why it happened other than God. I was playful, singing, joking for a whole week. Just joy. That is not something I experience much and certainly not for that long. It was such a gift.
Towards the end of it, I could literally feel it leaving. That may sound crazy but it is true. It was like a window slowly closing in front of me and blocking a view I wanted to watch for longer. The weight was back, my companion but not my friend.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Old Skeletons in the Closet
Yesterday, I talked to my sister and she told me something that has really rattled me. She has been home to visit our parents this last week. Also, she went to see my 95 year old grandmother who has been ill since February. Grandmother K, as we call her, got to talking and said something about my dad that I never thought I would hear come from her. I have never heard her say anything unkind about anyone. Never. What she said was not slanderous or cruel, just brutally honest.
She was feeling like she had been a lot of trouble to my mom who has been driving 3 hours to see her a lot since she fell in February. My mom has been away from home a lot and cannot seem to stop worrying about her. This troubles Grandmother K and she was discussing it with my sister. Tresa, my sister, was trying to reassure her that nobody minded caring for her. "But Tresa" she says, "Your dad does not like your mom being here because he is the most selfish man I have ever met." She went on to describe how they thought he was the wrong man for my mom because he was so hard on her. They were sure it would not last. After they married, he was hard on all of us. He never gave an inch. It was always her that changed to satisfy him or paid the price of his anger.
Tresa was speechless. I, too, am all mixed up about what she said. It is all true but somehow it feels more real now that she said it. Knowing that she saw it makes me feel sad that nobody could talk her out of marrying this man who has pushed her around for 50 years. I thought about how desperate I would feel if one of my kids were going to marry someone I felt was a mistake. I wondered why she felt compelled to marry him. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know the truth but she chose to ignore it. Because of that, we all were subjected to his selfishness. That makes me mad. It makes me wonder if my mom regrets her life. She seems to just walk through it like a machine most days. Resigned to it.
She was in college when they met. She was active in sports and church. She was a Christian studies major excited about ministering to youth. And then he came along and that all disappeared. Evil took her out. I hate thinking about all this.
She was feeling like she had been a lot of trouble to my mom who has been driving 3 hours to see her a lot since she fell in February. My mom has been away from home a lot and cannot seem to stop worrying about her. This troubles Grandmother K and she was discussing it with my sister. Tresa, my sister, was trying to reassure her that nobody minded caring for her. "But Tresa" she says, "Your dad does not like your mom being here because he is the most selfish man I have ever met." She went on to describe how they thought he was the wrong man for my mom because he was so hard on her. They were sure it would not last. After they married, he was hard on all of us. He never gave an inch. It was always her that changed to satisfy him or paid the price of his anger.
Tresa was speechless. I, too, am all mixed up about what she said. It is all true but somehow it feels more real now that she said it. Knowing that she saw it makes me feel sad that nobody could talk her out of marrying this man who has pushed her around for 50 years. I thought about how desperate I would feel if one of my kids were going to marry someone I felt was a mistake. I wondered why she felt compelled to marry him. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know the truth but she chose to ignore it. Because of that, we all were subjected to his selfishness. That makes me mad. It makes me wonder if my mom regrets her life. She seems to just walk through it like a machine most days. Resigned to it.
She was in college when they met. She was active in sports and church. She was a Christian studies major excited about ministering to youth. And then he came along and that all disappeared. Evil took her out. I hate thinking about all this.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Hooomeschool Nerd Mom
Today I am the super hoooooome school nerd mom. My older kids would die. I have spent several hours selling used curriculum online at a vegetarian website. Reading through the posts on there are like a trip through the last 20 years of my life. I wonder what my life will be like when (not if) I get through teaching at home. I might go back to college!
Also I am baking 5 loaves of homemade (freshly gound wheat) bread. I have not made any since I had twins. This was the ultimate in homeschool mom dedication back in the 90's. My dedication crashed into the wall of reality with 3 kids under the age of 2. Oh well, after almost 13 years I have recovered enough to try it again. Man it smells awesome in here. Wish you were here to have a piece!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Weakness
I have been thinking about weakness. It started last week when there was a crippled baby squirrel hanging out in our backyard. Our dachshund loves to chase squirrels but of course they are too fast for her. However, this little one could not climb to safety as fast as most squirrels and she got close. She was insane with excitement. Something about the whole thing bothered me. Normally I am not overly soft hearted about nature doing its thing. But today I wanted to kick my own dog for attacking this defenseless squirrel.
Recently, someone attacked my sons in an area of weakness and I knew my protectiveness of this squirrel was connected to that in my emotions. Some days it feels like they have a sign on their backs saying "kick me" just because I am a little different. Then I realized it is also connected to Nathaniel, my soon to be born grandson who has cleft palate. There it is again - weakness. Something that gives people a chance to be kind and gracious, or vicious and cruel. I have seen both with my kids. I want desperately to protect them from that pain and I know I will feel the same with Nate. People's cruelness rips at my heart.
Then at Bible study we talked about weakness and Paul's thorn in the flesh. Paul asked God to take it away but God did not. God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul goes on to say he delights in his weakness now, boasts about them because, "when I am weak I am strong." Well that was a new perspective for me on some very familiar verses. Can I trust God to use this for good in their lives? I stayed there for a few more days.
In Sunday school, Mike asked for prayer for the delivery of Nate, and I sank into that hole again, unable to talk without tears. Several women in the class spoke kindly to me and I could hardly speak. During worship, the tears were still there. I almost left. Then we sang a song that said something about God using the weak to lead the strong. There was my word again - weakness. And I felt comforted. When I was pregnant with the twins and so sick, a friend said to me that God has something special planned for these babies that were so hard to carry. I hang on to that and know that in many ways it has already come true. They have shown me so much about God and I anticipate there is more coming. They were weak but can lead in a way only given by God. Nathaniel will do the same.
Finally today, I was back working on the same Bible study about faith. Several thoughts went to the same place in my mind.
...........the battle is the Lord's
...........everyone born of God has overcome the world
...........put on the shield of faith to fend off Satan's attacks
...........Psalm 3 - God is my shield
...........Psalm 18 He is my rock, fortress, my deliverer and my shield
............Psalm 84 - God is my sun and my shield
David knew as a young man, that God was his shield and defeated Goliath. Maybe the young men in my life are teaching me that.
Recently, someone attacked my sons in an area of weakness and I knew my protectiveness of this squirrel was connected to that in my emotions. Some days it feels like they have a sign on their backs saying "kick me" just because I am a little different. Then I realized it is also connected to Nathaniel, my soon to be born grandson who has cleft palate. There it is again - weakness. Something that gives people a chance to be kind and gracious, or vicious and cruel. I have seen both with my kids. I want desperately to protect them from that pain and I know I will feel the same with Nate. People's cruelness rips at my heart.
Then at Bible study we talked about weakness and Paul's thorn in the flesh. Paul asked God to take it away but God did not. God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul goes on to say he delights in his weakness now, boasts about them because, "when I am weak I am strong." Well that was a new perspective for me on some very familiar verses. Can I trust God to use this for good in their lives? I stayed there for a few more days.
In Sunday school, Mike asked for prayer for the delivery of Nate, and I sank into that hole again, unable to talk without tears. Several women in the class spoke kindly to me and I could hardly speak. During worship, the tears were still there. I almost left. Then we sang a song that said something about God using the weak to lead the strong. There was my word again - weakness. And I felt comforted. When I was pregnant with the twins and so sick, a friend said to me that God has something special planned for these babies that were so hard to carry. I hang on to that and know that in many ways it has already come true. They have shown me so much about God and I anticipate there is more coming. They were weak but can lead in a way only given by God. Nathaniel will do the same.
Finally today, I was back working on the same Bible study about faith. Several thoughts went to the same place in my mind.
...........the battle is the Lord's
...........everyone born of God has overcome the world
...........put on the shield of faith to fend off Satan's attacks
...........Psalm 3 - God is my shield
...........Psalm 18 He is my rock, fortress, my deliverer and my shield
............Psalm 84 - God is my sun and my shield
David knew as a young man, that God was his shield and defeated Goliath. Maybe the young men in my life are teaching me that.
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