Is this a femininity issue?

Last night at midnight, my phone rang and it was my oldest son (caller ID). He knew I would be awake because the Spurs just finished playing. I answered the phone by saying, " Don't you know that people are sleeping at this hour!" He just laughed, knowing that his crazy mother would still be awake. Then we proceeded to talk for one hour until my adrenalin slowed down enough to be sleepy.

Why am I such a sports nut? I have been thinking about that recently. This time of year I will be sleep deprived until the Spurs either win it all or lose somewhere along the way. I love the World Series, the Super Bowl, the Olympics etc. I don't get hockey but that's because I'm from Texas. I love to watch my kids play sports! However I am not a competitive person and I never played any sports because I was such a klutz. My junior high gym teacher said so! For Pete's sake I was in the marching band. Maybe that's why I love it because it is something I could never be good at.

My son-in- law loves sports too. He and my daughter were here visiting during the football playoffs. We came home from church and parked ourselves on the couch in front of the TV for the entire afternoon. His wife, my lovely daughter, wanted to go shopping and wanted him to go with her. She smiled her sweetest smile and batted her disgustingly long lashes at him but he did not succumb to her feminine charms. I love this guy! He stayed with me and cheered against the New York Giants. He hates them since he is a lifelong Buffalo fan. My husband was nowhere to be found and the other kids would not watch it either but it was great. He and I plotted that someday they need to have a baby in October so we can watch the series together. He loves the Yankees! Baby #1 is on the way, but not in October. So much for our plans.

Ready, set, jump!

I am drowning in contempt. About a week ago I managed to not go there, to stay away and feel what I was feeling. But today I did not even try. I'm just mad. I have to back myself out of this because no good is going to come from what is going to come out of my mouth.

And I even started it by asking a question. One that I needed to hear the answer to but one that I knew would be painful. How do you back out of anger? I am trying to see what could come from this pain. So many times, after the dust has settled I can see the good. But it the middle of the whirlwind all I can see is the dirt flying. I am going down a list in my brain of good things God has done that felt really bad at the time. I know He is good and I need to believe that enough to jump off the cliff of contempt into whatever lies below.

relaxed honesty

I was told by Russ tonight that I have a relaxed honesty. "That is your beauty," he said. I think that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And it actually sank in a little bit. Wow!

Not bad for an amateur

I spent an hour this afternoon messing around at the sunken gardens trying to get a "portrait" of these guys. Some of them turned out really good. I love digital cameras. I remember in the 80's when my older kids were little, sitting at Sears for hours trying to get a decent picture of a 3 month old who always manged to fall asleep just when it was my turn. Then 6 weeks later, I would get them back and they not quite as good as I hoped. Mind you, I have great looking kids! It is just the system that didn't work so great. Finally, they got a new deal where you could preview them that day. What an improvement! But still. you only get 2 or 3 chances.

So I love digital cameras because you can take a zillion poses and preview them too. And I got get the face I want that expresses who they are. For example, Cody is not smiling but it is him all over. Just a look that is familiar from him. When he is listening to me explain something, thinking all the time. Always curious. Then there is his other face. Also very familiar to all of us!

Katy

Katy is a nickname that nobody calls me, except occasionally my husband. When I was a little girl, my grandfather wanted to call me Katy but my mother would not allow it. I think that is why I have always loved this name. It was his special name for me, a loving name.

My grandfather, Pa, was the only grandfather I ever knew and I loved him a lot, although I was a little scared of him too. He loved cats. Pa's favorite cat was named Piper and this cat was mean as the dickens. Piper did not let anybody touch him, except Pa and, for some reason, me. To the amazement of everyone, Piper let me play with him. According to my grandmother, I lugged that cat around in a bucket everywhere and played with him like a baby doll. This of course delighted Pa.

Anyway, I always wanted to be Katy. In my mind, she is who I wish to be. She is fun, laughs a lot, never gets angry or pushes people away. She is, of course, thin and attractive too. Let's just throw in fit too, while I'm dreaming. We are twins separated at birth.

Breathe on Me

I have just finished Prince Caspian fromThe Chronicles of Narnia. I have never read it before. Years ago I read the first three books but never enjoyed them a lot. I did love how the children in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe interacted with Aslan, who is the Christ figure in the books. They love him and bury their faces in his mane. They crawl on his back and ride him. When we took all the kids to see the movie, Jared and Whitney groaned quite loudly at the much over quoted line about "Is Aslan tame? No he is wild but he is good. " It was such a great line from C.S. Lewis to describe Christ and my kids are groaning at it. What a hoot.

Well there is a line from this book like that struck me today. Maybe someday it will be over quoted too. The children have just seen Aslan after not seeing him for a very long time. At first Lucy is the only one to see him because she has a childlike faith. Finally they all see him in his glory. "Now Aslan had stopped and turned and stood facing them, looking so majestic that they felt as glad as anyone can feel who feels afraid, and as afraid as anyone can who feels glad."

I just love that! I hope that is how I will feel when I see Jesus, overwhelmed with joy and fear. The oldest girl, Susan approached Aslan with tears because she was the last to see him. Aslan says to her, "You have listened to fears, child. Come let me breathe on you. Forget them."

I listen to my fears but I wish to be more like Lucy.

Head knowledge but not in the heart

John 5:39 "You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life."

Jesus said this to the the jews who were critical of him healing a man on the Sabbath. But recently, He said it to me. There have been times in my life when I searched the Bible for knowledge because it was all new to me. I went to classes on all sorts of subjects because I was hungry for God and thought this was the way to find Him. But I missed it. Now the pendulum has swung too far the other way and I have a hard time sitting through a factual sermon that does not feel like it applies to me. Where is Jesus in all of this?

Right now it feels like He is sitting patiently under a tree, waiting for me to get it. Sometimes I look at my kids and enjoy their striving to figure things out.... from something simple like tying shoes to the more complex like relationships with friends and spouses. Just the fact that I was able to put God and patient in the same sentence is progress I suppose. I feel like I have to earn His pleasure so much of the time and usually it is unearnable. ( Is that a word?) I wish I could accept His tender mercy more often.