Betrayal

Probably 4 months ago, this little word landed in my head. I was listening to Russ teach on betrayal and how it affects people. Nothing in this felt applicable to me until he said one thing. People who have felt the sting of betrayal tend to be hyper vigilant in their relationships. That felt like it belonged to me. It is very true of me. I remember feeling very curious about that word that night.

Last week I went to Lubbock and spent 14 hours alone in the car. It almost didn't happen. The dog got sick and then my daughter got sick with the flu. But something in me still felt the urge to go. Friday morning Holly was feeling better and I decided it was ok to leave.

I listened to Dan Allendar cds as I drove. I have heard all the teaching this spring. The first lesson I heard was on Powerlessness and I was pleased to see that it did not feel as true about me as it did just a few months ago. But the real surprise came when I put in the cd about Betrayal. I heard things I never heard before. It sank in and I got it. Some things Mike has been telling me for years made sense. Big things! I was amazed and overwhelmed as I was driving alone. I needed some solitude to think.

Two days later I was coming back home and I listened again and I kept having to pull over to write down things. It took a while to get home! I took 9 pages of notes.

Here are some of my epiphanies
- betrayal consists of feeling used and then discarded by someone close to you. I have experienced this numerous times. Honestly, who hasn't.
- I am suspicious of kind people
- I am perceptive due to the hyper vigilance but make poor conclusions based on all my data
- if you invite me to care, I will hate you because I am committed to self protection
- I am cautious, safe and therfore dull (ouch)

There is more to sort through and let go of. I am so grateful for this trip.