The word extravagant has been floating around my brain the last few days. Here are some of its definitions. The first one is how I would use it normally - spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper. The other two are more related to my thoughts this week - exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions
- going beyond what is deserved or justifiable
The synonyms go along the same path. Some describe irresponsibility - imprudent, spendthrift, prodigal. Others describe being over the top in a more positive light - excessive, unrestrained, fantastic, wild, absurd, preposterous.
I was at Bible study the other night and we were reading John 12.
"Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it. "Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."
Mary was extravagant here. Judas saw it as wasteful. I probably would have thought so too. Jesus saw it as wild, passionate, and fantastic. It was worship. The house was full of the fragrance. Someone mentioned that her hair would have carried that fragrance for some time, reminding her of her extravagance and His delight in her gift. It struck me that this is how God loves. People usually don't. He goes over the top and I want to see it when he does. I believe He showed me some of His extravagant gifts that night.
- Jared getting into the school of his dreams
- my time for the last month
- a friend's enjoying not working for the first time
- Nate's smile
Today I remembered a song by Casting Crowns about this same thing. It took me all day to remember enough words to look it up. I was blown away by the words that I had forgotten.
Another gift!
Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant
Spread wide in the arms of Christ
there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known;
You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Worst Fear
I am awake at 3 am for some unknown reason. So I was reading a new book about how we live out our faith as either avoiding the God of our Worst Fears or trusting The Voice of Love. It rings true in my heart. I have spent a lot of years avoiding my fears and did not even know what they were. So God showed me the fears, defined them, named them. And He has been showing me where they show up in my life. It would have been faster to show me where they didn't.
My biggest fear (I believe) is being unwanted. This fear has caused me to jump through a lot of hoops and do a lot of stupid, damaging things. Mostly though it has kept me from living with dreams and hopes. It leaves me frightened and manipulative trying to protect myself. I don't risk because that could leave me standing alone again.
In January, I was given an opportunity to do something that felt very huge to me. Like a dream, too big to be real. Part of it felt like a risk. I was unsure I could do what I was asked but I jumped at the chance. For weeks, I stressed myself trying to control and perform at the level I thought I should. Physically, emotionally, the effects began to show up in my life. But I still pushed myself. Do you see how many times the word "I" is in that paragraph? I was trying my best to control the situation, to prove that I could do the job.
Another risk that I did not know existed jumped up and took this opportunity away. It pushed all my unwanted buttons, telling me I was not good enough to go. Evil whispered in my ear. Just a few days ago, I was thinking God was going to come through at the last minute and let me go. I fantasized all day about how He was going to get it done. But He did not. Friday is the day everybody leaves for this trip and I will not be going.
I feel Him comforting me and telling me to sit and not maneuver. Just let Him be in charge of what is happening. Last night, at Grace Group, I was feeling alone again. I was in an awkward situation and singled out in a bad way. But it did not control me like it could have. It felt yucky but not overwhelming. I have to learn the trust The Voice of Love. It said to me last night, "What you did was enough."
I have been given a gift of more free time recently and I don't know what to do with it. So I am asking and waiting. I am not trying to fill up my time but instead waiting to see what He wants for me.
My biggest fear (I believe) is being unwanted. This fear has caused me to jump through a lot of hoops and do a lot of stupid, damaging things. Mostly though it has kept me from living with dreams and hopes. It leaves me frightened and manipulative trying to protect myself. I don't risk because that could leave me standing alone again.
In January, I was given an opportunity to do something that felt very huge to me. Like a dream, too big to be real. Part of it felt like a risk. I was unsure I could do what I was asked but I jumped at the chance. For weeks, I stressed myself trying to control and perform at the level I thought I should. Physically, emotionally, the effects began to show up in my life. But I still pushed myself. Do you see how many times the word "I" is in that paragraph? I was trying my best to control the situation, to prove that I could do the job.
Another risk that I did not know existed jumped up and took this opportunity away. It pushed all my unwanted buttons, telling me I was not good enough to go. Evil whispered in my ear. Just a few days ago, I was thinking God was going to come through at the last minute and let me go. I fantasized all day about how He was going to get it done. But He did not. Friday is the day everybody leaves for this trip and I will not be going.
I feel Him comforting me and telling me to sit and not maneuver. Just let Him be in charge of what is happening. Last night, at Grace Group, I was feeling alone again. I was in an awkward situation and singled out in a bad way. But it did not control me like it could have. It felt yucky but not overwhelming. I have to learn the trust The Voice of Love. It said to me last night, "What you did was enough."
I have been given a gift of more free time recently and I don't know what to do with it. So I am asking and waiting. I am not trying to fill up my time but instead waiting to see what He wants for me.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Now I have heard it all
I was surfing the internet the other day. Reading blogs. I was reading the blog of a man who runs a curriculum company for homeschoolers. He was discussing a group of homeschoolers in Colorado that would not allow his company to show its products because it was not conservative enough. There are some seriously nutty homeschoolers. So I started going to links that he had posted about where this can lead to and found something that goes way beyond nutty homeschoolers. It is called CDD - Christian Domestic Discipline. Here are some excerpts from what I read.
A domestic discipline marriage is one in which one partner in the marriage is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.
Domestic discipline is highly individual and private in nature. Each couple must decide for themselves how they will carry out discipline in their own households, but usually it starts with long talks between the couple to establish expectations for their own domestic discipline relationship, responsibility accepted by the dominant partner, and consent given from the submissive one. Rules are generally set down, sometimes written, sometimes spoken, and consequences set. Not all domestic discipline relationships use spanking as the only consequence or even as a consequence at all. Some couples prefer other punishments; such as, writing lines, corner time, and grounding. Some couples pair these other punishments with spanking. Most domestic discipline couples practice some form of spanking, which seems to come in three categories: play spanking, maintenance spanking, and punishment spanking.
A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is simply a marriage set up according to Biblical standards.Therefore, in a CDD marriage, the husband is the authority of the household. The wife is submissive to her husband as if the Lord Himself was her husband.
This part is really disturbing!
NONCONSENUAL CONSENT
Nonconsensual Consent is what is commonly used in Christian Domestic Discipline marriages.The concept of nonconsensual consent is that consent is given in the beginning for the relationship. Essentially, the wife is giving her husband permission to decide when, where, how, how often, and under what circumstances he may punish her based on the parameters they have agreed upon in their prior discussions.A wife may withdraw or amend consent at any time other than just before, during, or just after punishment.
Now that you know what your wife "REALLY" wants, talk about it, try to understand her, and try to meet her needs, and if she has asked you for the physical, but you just can't bring yourself to do that, well then at LEAST give her some occasional "me man, you woman" stinging swats either in passing, or when she is getting a bit feisty or sassy… you know the kind, the ones that make her go "mmm hmmm he's a man, my man, and he is in control" the "I'm HIS girl…." kind of playful, or warning swats, you can't imagine just how good they make her feel. Oh she will say "ow" feign a pout, or even give you the "what was that for" but deep down she is shivering at your "manliness", and thinking, "hmm I had better watch myself or he may just take me over his knee" and the thought of that causes her to tremble with excitement, anticipation, fear and feelings beyond words.
There are even books (romance books?) about this subject.
Mothering; A Spanking Romance CollectionMothering; A Spanking Romance Collection (book)
Print: $8.19
Download: $3.95
This collection of stories follows three moms who are part of Christian Domestic Discipline relationships with their husbands. In the first story, a new mom must learn to take care of herself so that she can give the best possible care to her baby. In the second story, a mom of school-aged children learns time management. And in the third story, a mother of a teenager must learn to be stricter with her daughter. Please note: these stories contain the spanking of adult women.
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
A domestic discipline marriage is one in which one partner in the marriage is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.
Domestic discipline is highly individual and private in nature. Each couple must decide for themselves how they will carry out discipline in their own households, but usually it starts with long talks between the couple to establish expectations for their own domestic discipline relationship, responsibility accepted by the dominant partner, and consent given from the submissive one. Rules are generally set down, sometimes written, sometimes spoken, and consequences set. Not all domestic discipline relationships use spanking as the only consequence or even as a consequence at all. Some couples prefer other punishments; such as, writing lines, corner time, and grounding. Some couples pair these other punishments with spanking. Most domestic discipline couples practice some form of spanking, which seems to come in three categories: play spanking, maintenance spanking, and punishment spanking.
A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is simply a marriage set up according to Biblical standards.Therefore, in a CDD marriage, the husband is the authority of the household. The wife is submissive to her husband as if the Lord Himself was her husband.
This part is really disturbing!
NONCONSENUAL CONSENT
Nonconsensual Consent is what is commonly used in Christian Domestic Discipline marriages.The concept of nonconsensual consent is that consent is given in the beginning for the relationship. Essentially, the wife is giving her husband permission to decide when, where, how, how often, and under what circumstances he may punish her based on the parameters they have agreed upon in their prior discussions.A wife may withdraw or amend consent at any time other than just before, during, or just after punishment.
Now that you know what your wife "REALLY" wants, talk about it, try to understand her, and try to meet her needs, and if she has asked you for the physical, but you just can't bring yourself to do that, well then at LEAST give her some occasional "me man, you woman" stinging swats either in passing, or when she is getting a bit feisty or sassy… you know the kind, the ones that make her go "mmm hmmm he's a man, my man, and he is in control" the "I'm HIS girl…." kind of playful, or warning swats, you can't imagine just how good they make her feel. Oh she will say "ow" feign a pout, or even give you the "what was that for" but deep down she is shivering at your "manliness", and thinking, "hmm I had better watch myself or he may just take me over his knee" and the thought of that causes her to tremble with excitement, anticipation, fear and feelings beyond words.
This is written by a woman in a CDD marriage.
He talks with me throughout the punishment. He asks me "Are you doing ok? This behavior has to stop. Be still. You are doing good, hun." and so on. When he pulls me up, if I am not completely repentant and in tears, I go back OTK. When we are done, I am drawn to his chest and he holds me tight while further lecturing me. I am at peace, I am truly sorry and ready to change, and my only desire is that of pleasing him in all I do. If in a few hours my attitude is back (very rarely does that happen, he can usually tell right away) then it's back otk for more. (by the way, OTK means over the knee)
There are even books (romance books?) about this subject.
Mothering; A Spanking Romance CollectionMothering; A Spanking Romance Collection (book)
Print: $8.19
Download: $3.95
This collection of stories follows three moms who are part of Christian Domestic Discipline relationships with their husbands. In the first story, a new mom must learn to take care of herself so that she can give the best possible care to her baby. In the second story, a mom of school-aged children learns time management. And in the third story, a mother of a teenager must learn to be stricter with her daughter. Please note: these stories contain the spanking of adult women.
These men are supposedly trying to love their wives like Christ loves His bride. They discipline their wives for simple things like not cleaning out the cat box. But I see Jesus responding to adultery differently in John 8. He speaks the truth yet shows love and forgiveness. He does not offer condemnation or violence.
"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
Friday, April 3, 2009
Public School Week 1
Well today is the end of week 1 of our new adventure. I have done several things this week that seem so normal to most moms but were firsts for me. Putting a kid on the bus, packing lunches, scrambling for lunch money, helping with homework, buying gym clothes, sitting in a pick up/drop off line. Weird.
It has been a good week for the kids. They have come home happy most days. No tears, no meltdowns. I came the closest to that. I was a little panicky Sunday night and sick at my stomach. Since then, I have taken a few naps, gone shopping, watched a couple of movies, did a little yard work... Basically not much but relaxing.
The kids have learned about cafeteria food. The first day Holly came home and when we asked her what she had for lunch she said, "I don't know." Luke had chicken fried steak and said it tasted close to crap. (Who taught these kids to talk like that?) So mostly they took their lunch. They have gotten lost. They have had a hard time opening their lockers. Luke tried 3 times to open the wrong locker. Holly was assigned to 2 classes that don't exist and her schedule completely changed. Unfortunately the school forgot to tell her old teachers that she was no longer in their class so the office called us to report our child was skipping class. Today was the first day she had a "normal" day. Last night Cody had a math problem neither Mike nor I could figure out. LOL
I have been impressed mostly this week by my own kids. They have handled this so well. And they are excited about learning new things. One of the goal of most homeschoolers and probably most parents in other schools, is for their child to learn to love learning. I saw that this week as their options expanded. That was cool to see. I helped give them that and I pray they always keep it. I was also reminded this week of something God has shown me many times. He is a great parent and He is a great teacher. And I am immensely grateful for His goodness to me and my kids.
It has been a good week for the kids. They have come home happy most days. No tears, no meltdowns. I came the closest to that. I was a little panicky Sunday night and sick at my stomach. Since then, I have taken a few naps, gone shopping, watched a couple of movies, did a little yard work... Basically not much but relaxing.
The kids have learned about cafeteria food. The first day Holly came home and when we asked her what she had for lunch she said, "I don't know." Luke had chicken fried steak and said it tasted close to crap. (Who taught these kids to talk like that?) So mostly they took their lunch. They have gotten lost. They have had a hard time opening their lockers. Luke tried 3 times to open the wrong locker. Holly was assigned to 2 classes that don't exist and her schedule completely changed. Unfortunately the school forgot to tell her old teachers that she was no longer in their class so the office called us to report our child was skipping class. Today was the first day she had a "normal" day. Last night Cody had a math problem neither Mike nor I could figure out. LOL
I have been impressed mostly this week by my own kids. They have handled this so well. And they are excited about learning new things. One of the goal of most homeschoolers and probably most parents in other schools, is for their child to learn to love learning. I saw that this week as their options expanded. That was cool to see. I helped give them that and I pray they always keep it. I was also reminded this week of something God has shown me many times. He is a great parent and He is a great teacher. And I am immensely grateful for His goodness to me and my kids.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
weary
Today I am weary. Last night as I was driving home from CBC, I could feel it coming. Not just your regular tiredness. More than that. Drained, physically and emotionally. By the time I got home I was feeling sick and could barely make it up the stairs. I went straight to bed.
I am tired of being pushed and stretched. Tired of growth and change and pain. Struggling to show up but wanting to check out. Our group last night was a struggle for me. Good things were going on but I was at war in my mind. Whatever I did was never enough. Somebody always wants more and I don't have it right now. I feel like an old poster with a cat hanging onto a tree limb by it's claws. It said something like "Hang on Baby cause Friday's coming!" I feel like quitting . I feel like Jacob at the end of a long night of wrestling with God. Exhausted.
I am tired of being pushed and stretched. Tired of growth and change and pain. Struggling to show up but wanting to check out. Our group last night was a struggle for me. Good things were going on but I was at war in my mind. Whatever I did was never enough. Somebody always wants more and I don't have it right now. I feel like an old poster with a cat hanging onto a tree limb by it's claws. It said something like "Hang on Baby cause Friday's coming!" I feel like quitting . I feel like Jacob at the end of a long night of wrestling with God. Exhausted.
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