49

I was looking for something in one of the kid's room (anonymous kid). As I was looking, I started picking up some mess and laundry and pretty soon I was cleaning. Then I made the mistake of looking under the bed. It was crammed full of dirty socks, underwear, pens, math books, dirty dishes and water bottles. I started pulling out crap and saw why anonymous kid never has socks. They were all under the bed. And more water bottles. Soon I am under the bed with water bottles. I was pulling them out, more and more. I began to laugh because I could not believe what I was seeing. Most of the bottles were almost full. 3 had never been opened. So I began to dump them out and throw them away. I filled up a trash can and then another. Outside in the recycle bin, I decided I would count them. 49 EMPTY WATER BOTTLES. Unbelievable.

Pandora's Box

It seems like I have opened up a big can of worms in my head and my heart. The definition of a can of worms is "a complex, troublesome situation arising when a decision or action produces considerable subsequent problems." That sounds ominous.

We are considering putting our 2 youngest in public school. Believe it or not this idea was reborn after a sermon including this verse. 1 Timothy 6:17 - Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. The last part is what got to me. I am a firm believer that God gives us what we need. I have experienced it many times and in many big ways. But I have not considered that He could provide something in His richness for my enjoyment or for the enjoyment of my kids.

I have enjoyed homeschooling my kids tremendously but that feeling is gone mostly. I don't think they enjoy it either. They are lonely and bored. I keep trying to muster up some excitement for it again but it just won't come. I trust myself way too much here. I heard a pastor say this weekend, "I am not as sovereign as I think I am." Can I trust Him enough to do this for me? Yesterday the answer was yes. It seemed everybody I talked to had words of encouragement in such specific ways that I was blown away. Today the answer in not so clear. I have sat with one child in his fear of all these changes today. I have been told that they will be eaten alive in public schools. The boys have not liked decisions we have made about this. Also I went shopping with them and saw their concern about their clothes not being good enough. I am torn in two by all this.

The term Pandora's Box came to mind but I could only remember part of the story. So I looked it up on wikipedia. Here is part of what it said.

After Promethius' theft of the secret of fire, Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create the woman Pandora as part of the punishment for mankind. Pandora was given many seductive gifts from Aprodite, Hermes, Hera, Charies, and Horae. For fear of additional reprisals, Prometheus warned his brother Epimetheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus, but Epimetheus did not listen, and married Pandora. Pandora had been given a large jar and instruction by Zeus to keep it closed, but she had also been given the gift of curiosity, and ultimately opened it. When she opened it, all of the evils, ills, diseases, and burdensome labor that mankind had not known previously, escaped from the jar, but it is said, that at the very bottom of her box, there lay hope.

Isn't it interesting that her curiosity is considered a gift, yet it unleashed many unpleasant things in the world. But ultimately it led to hope. That is what I need is hope, not in a myth but a God who gives generously good things.

Two young bulls

This is what my house looks like today. I have 2 young bulls testing each other and themselves all day. They are driving me crazy. I have laughed with other moms of teenage boys about having too many bulls in my barn before. We were talking about husbands and sons. But it never dawned on me that someday I would have a unique problem as the mother of twin boys. They have wrestled since before they were born. They would fight in the bathtub. As toddlers, after baths, they had naked twin wrestling which is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Now it is not funny. There are hurt feelings and anger. Not too much laughing either. I never had a brother so this feels unusual but maybe it is not. I don't know what to do or not do.

Back to the barn!

Life theories

This week I was reminded of one of my darkest days. 10 years later it still kills me. Any Asian child reminds me. Mention the word Korea or adoption and my mind goes there. Agony. Confusion. Loneliness. I wonder if I will ever get over it. No friends came along side us in our grief of losing a child. He did not die but it felt like he did. And a part of me died that day too. So many unanswered questions. Why does God allow us to dream big dreams and even seemingly come and help us along, then later allow them to be dashed against the rocks?

This week another dream crashed. I am not a dreamer. I just don't allow myself. It feels like torture. My husband is a dreamer and it makes him angry that I don't dream. But somehow I allowed myself to want this something. It snuck in under the radar and got hold of me. Leading and teaching at SALTS. And on Tuesday, it blew up in my face. I am not going. They don't need me because not enough people signed up. How many times do I have to do this? Why does this happen? I know I will move on and get over it but I just don't get it. This time I was not alone in my sadness. Friends are sitting with me in it but it is still mine alone. Today during a meeting, someone would just mention SALTS and I would crater again. Fighting back tears and losing.

Now, I know, in the big scheme of life, this is no big deal. I am not dying. My child is not dying. I still have a family and a home and am safe. But it still sucks and I still don't know what to do with it. Everybody tells me to feel it and so I am. I laugh with my adult kids sometimes that my life theory is "Being an adult sucks". One of my husband's favorites is "Life is messy" or sometimes "It sucks to be you!" Amen!

Laugh for today

This Land Was Made For Me Not You
Fast Food Medford, OR, USA
Me: “Hello, May I take your order?”
Customer: “Yes I’d like two bean burritos, 2 fah-jee-tuhs, grilled stuffed burritos, and a large drink.”
Me: “Fah-jee-tuh?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “You mean fajitas?”
Customer: “No, we don’t pronounce it like that! We’re in America, not Mexico!”

http://notalwaysright.com/

As a former waitress, store clerk, fast food worker etc etc., I love this website.

Feeling words

At the end of each night of Grace Groups, everybody gives a word to describe what they feel like. I think this is designed to get you to re-connect with the fact that you feel things. Most of the time I was not aware that I was feeling much of anything. That is called numb.

Well today I got a lesson in feeling from this ministry- way more than I ever thought I could learn in one day. At the end of my day I feel......

angry
explosive
disappointed
repulsed
lost
humiliated
left out
embarrassed
doubtful
shocked
defeated
lonely
uncertain
betrayed
hopeless
spent

It has been quite a day. I think I'll go to bed.

Kitchen Tables

I read somewhere that a woman's life revolves around her kitchen table. That has been floating around in my brain a few days.
I have been thinking about the
tables we have had. The first table
we had looked like this retro 1950
set. My grandmother died right before I got married and we got
her table and chairs. The chairs had been recovered in gold. Ugly but it was our first table. Meals for 2.

The next table was a hand me down too but it was wooden and looked much nicer. Table for 4. It lasted until we had 3 kids and needed more room.
The next table, Mike made and it morphed several times. This is only possible if you live with a woodworker. First it sat 6 and was rectangular then it was round and sat 9, then it morphed back to a smaller round for 4.
Weird. The table we have now, Mike also made. It has also morphed a few times. Currently it can seat 14. The tables morphed as our family grew and shrank. Usually it is dinner for 6 these days.

Life has certainly revolved around these tables. Sewing, taxes, groceries, coloring books, play dough and phonics books have all sat on my table. The kids have learned math, reading, Bible verses, handwriting and other subjects at the kitchen table. Meals, good and bad. I once poisoned my husband, accidentally, with his favorite meal on his birthday! Celebrations, holidays, wrapping gifts that we couldn't wait to see them open. On top of the morphing round table, our twins were circumcised. About 4 years later, the kids and I were eating lunch one day at the kitchen table and Mike tried to drive a bobcat through the back wall and join us at the table! Luke's eyes were as big as saucers.

We have had company eat at these tables. Friends we never see anymore and some friends we still do see. The kids have their friends around the table to eat and play games. Lots of laughing.
I remember doing a Bible study years ago with a couple who were new believers. We decided to study Hebrews (????) Mostly we sat there confused and laughed at how little we understood.
Just yesterday, we were sitting at the table watching Nate crawl via Skype. It is not as good as the real thing but it was still great.

We have fed as many as 40 here, not all at one table of course. 15 people are not uncommon. Someday, I suppose, Mike or I will sit and eat alone at the table, wishing for someone to come and eat with us. Table for 1.

redefining katy

I have a friend who has a unusual habit of giving her friends presents on her birthday. It is usually something significant, something she has thought about a lot. One year it was an animal print coffee mug to remind her friends we serve a wild God. One year it was thongs and I'm not sure what that was about. This year it was something she wrote about each one and framed. I have had mine for a month now and haven't hung it. It feels too big, too much. Here is mine.

The Katy that I see is

Knowledgeable of who she is in Christ. She walks a life of freedom in Christ and helps others to do the same.

Anointed - Like Jesus, she makes it her goal to heal those with broken hearts. Her heart aches for those who have been abused and wounded in life and she does all she can to help them heal and be whole.

Tenacious - She has a resolute and confident faith in God who always causes her to triumph in life. Knowing she is empowered by God, she never gives up. Instead she presses forward putting her hope in God alone.

A River, not a swamp - God has blessed her with the gift of bringing life, refreshment and healing to women whose lives seem dry and hopeless. Like a river, she helps restore that which was thought to be dead, back to life so it can bear fruit for the kingdom.

Influential - Her desire is to make a difference, so she does not hold back but does whatever it takes to help people see their value in the kingdom. All those who come in contact with her are blessed.

Nurturer - She has a heart of compassion that is touched by the hurt and pain of others. Her primary concern is for her family and she finds great joy in caring for and encouraging the growth and success of each member.

Above and Not Beneath - She knows the rightful place of authority; that she is the head and not the tail so she does not make her back like the ground, but rises up to the glory of God.


I wish these words were completely true but it is a journey I am on.