Daddy

I walked into church yesterday with a crummy attitude about being there. It has felt that way a lot lately. I had to force myself into the Sunday school room. We have been visiting a new class so it is still awkward. However, the teacher is a great speaker and very interesting. Last week it felt like he was just stating fact after fact, just info- nothing for my heart. So this week I was expecting more of the same especially when the subject was the genealogy of Christ -a long list of names. However, God touched my heart in such a specific way with the lesson on genealogy that it blew me away. It should not surprise me when He does but yesterday it did.

After all the events of the last few weeks, I was feeling pretty upset about my own genealogy. We talked in class about how your family effects you, how you were raised and where you were raised. But ultimately God is still in control and can use any person despite their history. An example is the women listed in Christ's genealogy who were known for sexual sins. Then we talked about Joseph and how the scripture lists him as the man who was assumed to be Jesus's father. Men assumed he was the father but he was really Jesus's step father, so to speak. Joseph was on earth His father but was not His real Father. Then the teacher said the thing that got me. The day I believed in Jesus, my genealogy changed forever. God became my father, my perfect father. He always loves me and loves me well. And I was crying because that reached way down deep. I have longed my whole life for that kind of relationship and I think part of why I was depressed was this weekend I realized that I will never get what I want from my dad. I know he loves me but he doesn't do it well. Every time I see him, I get my hopes up again only to have them dashed. It is kind of like Joseph. My dad is kind of my step dad - just a fill in on earth.

I have the perfect Father. God has been parenting me lately and I just figured it out. He has been showing kind words to say and how to love people well. He gives me gifts exactly when I need them - gifts like this class in church. He was showing me things were missing this week while I was at the hospital and showing me how to do things better. I feel like I can stop being so hard on my dad and try to love him well. I just need to stop looking to him for my example. And stop beating myself up because I can never do enough to make him happy. I have the perfect example in God, but I must remember that when I am around my family. I must remember to listen to His words, His truths about who I am.

Blind

I have spent two days sitting in the hospital with my sister, trying to help take care of her, wanting her to feel cared for. While I was sitting there watching my family function around me, something hit me that I had not really seen before. I had seen it but could not exactly name it. It was like God put a spotlight on this particular thing for me to see.

My family sucks at taking care of people. Oh, physically you will be cared for. I never needed any thing that I didn't get. But emotionally, they excel at not caring for you. I have never quite seen this so clearly until this week. They are so good at manipulating the focus off of the person who is needing help and getting it onto themselves. I believe they don't even know they are doing it. I also believe they do it so they don't have to look at the emotional mess that might come out if anyone really cared for someone else. I have never seen so many people in one room walking around an elephant and stepping in its manure and yet never say the word elephant.

My sister is in the hospital recovering from surgery and my dad doesn't know what to do with himself. I think he really wants to help but is just clueless. So he acts like a big tough guy whose gonna kick the butt of any nurse who doesn't come running when his daughter needs something. He himself would not notice the fact that she needs a drink of water and cannot quite reach it but he will bluster and blow a lot of air around the room about how tough he is. That is what I mean about drawing attention to himself and away from her. My mom does it too. Today my sister took off her bandages from a double mastectomy and I called to see how she was. I was thinking that this could be really hard on her. I think that would be the moment I would dread the most, seeing the scars and no breasts anymore. My mom is there helping her take off the bandages and my mom is the one who is saying I am scared and I don't know if I can handle what I will see. So my sister has to be strong and not be upset, so my mom can handle this. It is all so backwards and pathetic.

I am sure I do this too. How could I not? I grew up with this crazy group of people. My cousin had a hysterectomy this week and her mom is caring for her and doing the same thing too. Maybe that is why God showed me this. I sure don't want to treat people this way. Lord show me areas that I am blind to.

The internet can be a very small place!

Last Friday night, I was out doing some shopping when I got a phone call from my sister. She told me an amazing thing that had happened to her on the Internet. I had just seen her 2 weeks ago and we were talking about The Maines Brothers band and listening to their cd. This is a local band from the 80's in Lubbock, where we grew up. So last week she was bored I guess and googled them. One of the first links listed was to a blog.... this blog. I had mentioned the band a few weeks ago. This blog does not have my name on it anywhere, so she started reading it and thinking this stuff really sounds familiar. The more she read, the more she knew it had to be mine. She did not even know I had a blog! So she spent the next hour reading the old posts and crying because they expressed many feelings she has had in her life too. So she called to tell me this and I just died laughing. I could not believe that she found it that easily. It is a little freaky.

So of course, she told my other sister who also read it all. She called yesterday to tell she had read it all too. It made her cry too. Snot running down your face, kind of crying. I have accomplished something that previously only my dad can do - I made both of my sisters cry. Anyway, even though it was hard for them to read I hope it was helpful to know that we are all in this together and all think the same things sometimes. We are The Three Musketeers. It was a good reinforcement to me that my words can have tremendous impact on others. This is really hard for me to believe some days.

Also tomorrow, my sister has her surgery and more tests run. I am feeling sad and heavy today. She is scared. I hope her family will be a comfort to her because she really needs it. Please pray for us all.

Waiting

This has been the summer of waiting. It started with waiting for the wedding and all the fun and guests to arrive. Then we decided to put our house on the market and we waited for the phone to ring for a showing hoping that this would be the person who would buy it. Then we waited for Whitney to go into labor and when she did, we waited 2 days for the end. Nate finally came into the world and then we waited a week to see him. The day we came home from Virginia, it looked like we had a buyer and we waited to hear from them about so many things. There is a 10 day waiting period to see if they change their mind. Now we are waiting to move. One afternoon, a few weeks back, I was frustrated with waiting and went and was lounging in the pool. The phone rang and it was my sister saying she has cancer. Now we wait with her for surgery and whatever else comes. She had 2 more tests run last week that showed abnormal cells in 2 other places on her body. We are waiting to see what that means. She was planning on moving to Germany and now she says she is not making any more plans because they just keep falling apart. She is just waiting. And we wait with her, praying.