I want a new house. There I feel better. I said it. It feels so selfish to ask God for a new house but I am. I don't want to want it, but I do. I have been thinking about why and I thinking I have made some connections to the past.
I lived in a trailer until I was 6. My sisters and I shared bunk beds. Three girls in 2 beds. This trailer was 10x 60. I remember once at Bible study we were talking about how I grew up and a friend looked down his nose at me about the 3 kids in a bunk bed story. There is shame connected to that, that we were poor. Trailer trash.
16 years ago, we started over financially because of a job change. Mike made this job change to be home more with the kids which was a good thing. 13 years ago, we started over again because we had the twins with no medical insurance. The twins were a good thing too. God provide for us in amazing ways during this time. 1o years ago, we started saving again for a house but felt like God was leading us to adopt a baby from Korea. We were wiped out again financially and the adoption was a disaster. Long story for another day. So we gave up and decided to change this house to fit us better.
Now we have a nice house that Mike worked his butt off to add on to 8 years ago. I have a kitchen that women drool over. We added on because we could not figure out how to afford another house with 6 kids to feed and send to college. So we settled. And stayed in this neighborhood. That we hate. Whitney went off to college and when she would come home I sensed she didn't feel safe here anymore. A few other times some of the kids friends have come over and worried about leaving their nice cars on the street in our old neighborhood. Once Jared and his friends were home from college and the police were in front of the house with guns out aiming at a car, right in front of our house. I wanted to die. Once again, shame is connected to where I live.
So I dream of moving to a nicer neighborhood where our neighbors don't tie pit bulls to their front porch and cars don't get stolen and I don't feel embarrassed to tell people how to get to our house. And that feels so selfish and ungrateful. I want a master bedroom with enough room for a chair to sit and read in. I want trees in the yard and a sidewalk out front.
I'm really mad about this whole house thing today and I'm not sure why. I want to believe God could do this for me. I love to give good gifts to my children. Things they wish for and cannot afford. I know He could do this but I don't know if He will allow it to happen. He has done big, huge things in the past for us. But part of feels like He is holding out on me, because I am selfish. I am really struggling with all of this.
3 comments:
It felt like a little stab in the heart when you made the statement "I am selfish" because I just do not believe that to be true about you. You are the "soothing contemplator" remember? One thing I know about you is that you are someone who listens with care and that it honestly matters to you how other people feel. There's nothing selfish about that.
To me, the picture of this new house you described seems simple and comforting. I can see why anyone would like to live in a pretty house like the one you posted!
While I admire your concern with wanting to appreciate what you already have, I don't think you should feel shame about dreaming of more for you and your family. A big part of this desire seems to come out of love for your kids, and that's a beautiful thing in my eyes.
I hope that one day you will find yourself curled up with a book in that cozy chair you mentioned :)
Dear friend your longings for a place of beauty to call home are lovely and not at all selfish.
I grieve the shame that continuously comes to rob you of the desires in your heart.
It is not selfish to want peace and a place of rest or to provide a place of safety for your children. Those feel consistent with what God desires for us as His children.
I will be looking with anticipation for where all this is leading....especialy since it could lead to my neighborhood!
You are not selfish. I am sad for the shame you have been made to feel about the home of your childhood and the current home you live in. I am sad to see your shame dictate how far you let your heart dream and hope. I would love to see you live beyond the lie that you are selfish or have selfish desires. I would love to see you live in the truth that you have great dreams, great hopes and great desires. They're beautiful.
I believe your new home will reflect the beauty of your heart. Safe, inviting, warm, and open.
Keep daring to hope and daring to dream....You're doing great.
Love you.
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