I stink at birthdays. Just mine. Not the "I don't want to get old", way of hating birthdays. I don't care who knows that I just turned 46. I just cannot figure out what I want to do with birthdays in my heart.
Last Sunday was my birthday and I was set up for a disaster by the circumstances. We had a houseful of company including my dad (probable cause for emotional meltdowns!). Jared and Jessica had 2 wedding showers that weekend and I was exhausted by Sunday. As it turned out Sunday morning I was home alone sleeping in. Mike had taken the kids to church and I got to sleep until almost noon. It started well!
After I got up, I read some emails and looked at facebook. One message from Tracy really hit me. (Thanks Tracy) She wished me a happy birthday and hoped that I was celebrated by many people today. That went straight to the core issue of why birthdays are so hard for me. I don't have a clue what that would look like but it is a deep desire. Even when people around me try to make that happen, I mess it up with all the baggage I drag through the room. It can be very ugly and poor Mike is left looking like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina came through.
Then I read another message and I felt betrayed by someone I love. It had nothing to do with my birthday but I felt like they had kicked me in the stomach. I sat in the tub and cried. The afternoon was difficult to get through, sitting through a bridal shower for the kids and wishing I were back in the tub. Then when I got home, Mike was trying but he didn't stand a chance. I was so crushed I told him that he couldn't fix it. Being male, he missed that. So we went out to eat because I was starving. 45 minutes after we were home again. Did I mention we were not having fun?
The next day my sister called and she cheered me up. She always does. My sisters and I have a bond and understand each others brains and emotions better than anybody ever will. We can laugh about anything and I can tell her just about anything. We laughed about "The Dark Place" and she lifted my dark clouds. Belated wishes keep coming in and I do feel loved and celebrated. Maybe someday I will enjoy my birthday without going crazy on the actual day. It has happened a few times!
As a gesture of understanding and love, yesterday, I got these from my sister. The flower arrangement tells you something about my love of margaritas and a lot about our relationship. She is a pro and making me laugh. Thanks Tresa. You are the best.
3 comments:
Katy this was a very vulnerable post. I was saddened to read of your struggle on your birthday. It seems so unfair that we have to struggle to feel celebrated...what is that about. I have been there.
I feel the need to celebrate you over some margaritas....
I will calling you!
I hated the picture of you sitting in the tub and crying, and even wishing to stay there once you had left. That made me sad. Not how anyone should spend their birthday. I too am feeling a great need to celebrate you around some awesome margaritas and good music. We should totally orchestrate an awesome girls night.
Love you friend.
awww...sorry. :-( I knew that it was a busy weekend - you should seriously go the beach every year or something. Next year, there shouldn't be weddings or babies, so maybe it'll be quieter?.
(go and listen to that cd - it helps me!)
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