Fear

In 3 days, I will be walking a half marathon. I intended to run it but my back dictates otherwise. The closer it gets the more I dread it. I believe I can physically do the distance but still something inside of me is fearful of this big thing out there.

One year ago, I started running with the goal of doing a 5K by my birthday. I had never run a mile in my life. In May, I did that. The next month, I signed up for the half marathon. 5 months ago this seemed like a great idea, a challenge. A really big challenge!

I have spent a large portion of my life staying in my comfort zone, which is familiar and produces the least amount of anxiety possible. Many days this means literally staying inside my house. I am afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I want to but it is the unknown, the unfamiliar,the risky, that keeps me from stepping out of these walls. When I signed up for the race, I was feeling brave and now I am just not so sure.

I ended up in physical therapy after hurting my back. One day a new therapist filled in for my regular PT and she basically called me a fool for doing this race. I was furious but probably underneath that anger I feared that she was right.

Maybe I am a fool for doing this but there are worse things I suppose. Like staying locked up by my fears. I am trying to go on Sunday with the attitude of enjoying the race. There are bands every mile. And cheerleaders! What a hoot! I am praying that I will go have fun, finish and laugh at the end. Celebrate! Mike is coming to cheer me on.

In the big scheme of life, this race is a very small thing I know. Somedays it feels like the world is swirling out of control and I feel silly for worrying about this run but I still do. I want to do it yet not just get it done. I want to experience the whole thing and enjoy the fun parts and just let go of the anxious ones.