Fear

In 3 days, I will be walking a half marathon. I intended to run it but my back dictates otherwise. The closer it gets the more I dread it. I believe I can physically do the distance but still something inside of me is fearful of this big thing out there.

One year ago, I started running with the goal of doing a 5K by my birthday. I had never run a mile in my life. In May, I did that. The next month, I signed up for the half marathon. 5 months ago this seemed like a great idea, a challenge. A really big challenge!

I have spent a large portion of my life staying in my comfort zone, which is familiar and produces the least amount of anxiety possible. Many days this means literally staying inside my house. I am afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I want to but it is the unknown, the unfamiliar,the risky, that keeps me from stepping out of these walls. When I signed up for the race, I was feeling brave and now I am just not so sure.

I ended up in physical therapy after hurting my back. One day a new therapist filled in for my regular PT and she basically called me a fool for doing this race. I was furious but probably underneath that anger I feared that she was right.

Maybe I am a fool for doing this but there are worse things I suppose. Like staying locked up by my fears. I am trying to go on Sunday with the attitude of enjoying the race. There are bands every mile. And cheerleaders! What a hoot! I am praying that I will go have fun, finish and laugh at the end. Celebrate! Mike is coming to cheer me on.

In the big scheme of life, this race is a very small thing I know. Somedays it feels like the world is swirling out of control and I feel silly for worrying about this run but I still do. I want to do it yet not just get it done. I want to experience the whole thing and enjoy the fun parts and just let go of the anxious ones.

Dr Mom

Over the 26 years I have been a mom, I have gotten somewhat of an education of odd, random medical terms. One of the first I remember was an axillary temperature. I had no idea that you could do that. I was laying in bed the other night thinking though a long list of words that I know now - medical words or developmental words. Some sound big, but aren't. Like Juvenile Xantho Granuloma. How about Twin to Twin Tranfsusion Syndrome? That was a scary one. That nearly killed one of our twins.

Proprioceptor
Pulmonary Valve Stenosis
Sensory Integration Disorder
Valvoplasty
Nephrologists
Wry Neck
Auditory Processing Disorder
Transverse Presentation
Accutane and its scary side effects
FLK
Convulsions
Glioma
Astrocytoma
Hematoma
W Sitting

On top of all these illnesses, there is also the normal vomiting, diarrhea, croup, asthma, chicken pox, etc... I have done all that too. All of these words have happened to my kids. All have happened to me too. When your kid has a sickness, you have it too. You feel pain and fear and recovery. Differently than they do, but you still feel it. You sit and wait with them. You worry and pray, hoping for the best. Wonder what will be the long term effects. In these situations, being a mom is draining at best. I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for Luke to come out of surgery when he was 18 months old. The doctor come out and said he was fine.. that it went well. And I fell apart. Tension had held me together all day.

They don't tell you what you sign up for at the beginning. It is all decorating, picking out names, shopping and dreaming. All of that is great too. But this part is hard work.