Underdogs

Today, Texas Tech plays UT. AT our house, we will be cheering madly for the Red Raiders. I hate UT and always have. I was thinking about why. Here is my theory. I went to a junior high that usually got beaten by the Evans Eagles. Because I was in the band,I went to all the football games so I sat through a lot of bad games. When you have to go to games, in rain, in snow, and unbearable heat, you feel invested in them. Again, in high school, my school was the Mustangs and they were terrible at football. Our arch rivals were the Plainsmen and they always won. They were arrogant and I hated that. After they would beat us, the whole crowd from their side would sing, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be" to us. Moving on to college, I went to Texas Tech and they sucked back then. Week after week, we would sit and cheer for the underdog. And lose. On the rare occasion that we would beat somebody big, it was euphoric. Insane happiness over a stupid football game. So I hate Texas because they represent years of getting stomped by the big guys in town. And I always love the Cinderella team.

Anyway, there is a more important point to all this and I am getting there. Inside me, my emotions fight against my physical strength. They battle constantly and although emotions sometimes score a few points, generally they get their butts kicked. My emotions are the Cinderella team. They have been told for years that the are weak, ugly and useless. "Use your strength, don't cry like a baby." I have believed for so long that I don't need them. I just need to be a big girl and get the job done.

Today, emotions showed up not as "Cinder" ella, all dirty and beaten down. Today "Ella" showed up, in a beautiful dress, updo and high heels. And emotions gently and softly, tore through the wall that I had built around her for so long. She trumped the physical part of me with her beauty and kindness and tears. And Prince Charming said that he saw my soul. It was euphoric and insane happiness over the battle for the grounds of my heart.

Presidential furor

I just read the speech Obama is giving school children tomorrow. All I could think of was Bill Cosby. He has been criticized in the black community for telling black children and parents that they need to pay attention to their education. He has been very outspoken about the disintegration of black families. I thought he must be thrilled to see a black man with tremendous influence speaking out to American children of all colors.

I could be wrong. I know a black women who is conservative in her thinking. However she told me that one of the most significant events of her life was seeing Obama elected president. As a white female, I don't completely understand that but I believe her.

Maybe Obama can influence some children who are lost in the system to try harder. Maybe he can give some encouragement to a child who would not hear it from George Bush.

Now I don't agree with his politics or his policies. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. If he does this more and more, then I will get worried.

My brain

Something happened yesterday, something rather innocent. I told my husband something I was thinking about doing, wanting to do. It is something that is really impossible but I still think it would be great. He did not listen and I went nuts. I was hurt and angry and stormed downstairs to close up the house for the night. As I did, I saw things that were undone all over the house. Food left out, trash that needed to go out... Things that somebody "forgot". So I started doing it and getting madder. The voices in my head said "This is all you are good for," This is your job" "This is what a mom does" ....etc. My machine mode kicked in so fast it surprised me.

Lately I have been thinking about how mind numbingly boring being a housewife can be. It doesn't require much thought to do laundry, or cooking. I don't dislike doing those things. OK I HATE grocery shopping but I don't hate taking care of the house. I certainly enjoy taking care of my family. But there is this problem with my brain. It is screaming for more. It has been 26 years since it has been challenged and it is bored. Why did God give me a brain that likes to think and stretch just to fold towels for the rest of my life? Can I be a good mom and wife and do something else too?

I have thought about college. I fear I would fail due to brain atrophy. I don't know what to study. I didn't know in 1980 and I do not know now. I do know myself better now, so that is helpful. Also I don't have the money. Can I flip burgers again at 47? That sounds embarrassing but I might just do it. I mean that is what college students do, right? Get some crappy job to pay for school.

I am praying that God will show me a direction.


PS- I have a great husband who does not generally ignore me. I should not talk about important things when he is staring at a gun website! Lol!