Goodbye

My family doesn't do goodbyes well. That hit home last week as we took Holly to the airport for a trip out of the country. We were clowning around with the big group she was with and then she just disappeared. I thought she was in the bathroom but finally I saw her going through security, too far away to say goodbye to. I couldn't even yell it. I was crushed. It was so disappointing. I'm not blaming her because I know she was excited to go.

I asked my oldest son what he thought about this dynamic of our family and he agreed. Just the night before, he said goodbye to Holly very briefly and jokingly. He knew he may not see her again for a long time because he is moving. He said it was awkward and it is just easier to avoid. He also said something that has really been bouncing around in my head. "If you don't feel the sorrow of someone leaving, then can you truly enjoy the joy at their return." Good question. I think Shakespeare said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow". In my brain, sweet and sorrow should not be side by side.

We will get the chance to walk through this awkward situation on both ends in the next few weeks. Holly will come home soon. Joy. My son and his wife will be leaving for grad school. Realistically, they might not ever live here again. Joy for the opportunity he is getting but sorrow for their absence. My oldest daughter and grandson are coming to visit right in the middle of both of these events. And then they will go home. We are anticipating a celebration of seeing them for 2 weeks but then comes the sorrow again. It hurts to even think about this.

I wish I knew how to walk through this well. But I am afraid that I don't, so I fear it will be awkward still. I am tired of feeling awkward.

new eyes

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut 4:29

I have read this verse before and only thought it said to look for God diligently. Look hard, work hard. The other day I read this and saw it differently. It said to look with your heart and soul. How do you do that? Certainly I cannot see Him with my eyes. But how do you see with your heart?

Dachshund Death March

Do not ever walk the blue loop at Mc Allister park....in July....at noon. I felt all adventurous this morning and wanted to go for a walk. I have been thinking about walking at McAllister Park but could not find any trail info on the internet. So I just took off.

I started down the blue trail with Doodle, our dachshund, who loves walking. It was 11am. This trail is big but I was not sure how long it was. After walking for 30 minutes, I begin to hear cars and think I must be looping around back to Jones Maltsberger. As I get closer to the road, I am stunned to see it is Starcrest. I am still going east and further way from Jones Maltsberger with each step. Poor Doodles tongue is dragging the ground by now. And she keeps stepping on my feet. She never does this. Finally I see a sign that says I have walked 2 miles. I think Doodle saw it too because she sat down ON MY FEET. No more walking for her. So now I am carrying a hot, 11 pound dog. I passed the next sign and it says 2 5/8 mile. I am still going east and I have not seen a human in a while. I finally saw the road that goes through the park and I bailed off the trail. I felt like it would get me out faster than continuing on the path.

But then I got turned around and nothing looked familiar. I got confused and felt a little panicky. Finally I saw a man cruising the park in his truck. I don't care in he was a gay man looking for a hookup, I was sure glad to see another human. I have now been walking an hour. I am still carrying the dog. My self sufficient side said keep going and you will eventually get there. However, I was worried about the dog. I didn't know if she could do it. So I called my knight in shining armor and he came and rescued us. And he didn't even laugh at my stupidity!

Doodle crashed when we got home and didn't move for 3 hours. Poor dog. She may never go with me again. I finally looked around more on the internet and read somewhere that the blue trail is over 6 miles. I was only half way! Next time I'm going without her and before 11 am!

Betrayal

Probably 4 months ago, this little word landed in my head. I was listening to Russ teach on betrayal and how it affects people. Nothing in this felt applicable to me until he said one thing. People who have felt the sting of betrayal tend to be hyper vigilant in their relationships. That felt like it belonged to me. It is very true of me. I remember feeling very curious about that word that night.

Last week I went to Lubbock and spent 14 hours alone in the car. It almost didn't happen. The dog got sick and then my daughter got sick with the flu. But something in me still felt the urge to go. Friday morning Holly was feeling better and I decided it was ok to leave.

I listened to Dan Allendar cds as I drove. I have heard all the teaching this spring. The first lesson I heard was on Powerlessness and I was pleased to see that it did not feel as true about me as it did just a few months ago. But the real surprise came when I put in the cd about Betrayal. I heard things I never heard before. It sank in and I got it. Some things Mike has been telling me for years made sense. Big things! I was amazed and overwhelmed as I was driving alone. I needed some solitude to think.

Two days later I was coming back home and I listened again and I kept having to pull over to write down things. It took a while to get home! I took 9 pages of notes.

Here are some of my epiphanies
- betrayal consists of feeling used and then discarded by someone close to you. I have experienced this numerous times. Honestly, who hasn't.
- I am suspicious of kind people
- I am perceptive due to the hyper vigilance but make poor conclusions based on all my data
- if you invite me to care, I will hate you because I am committed to self protection
- I am cautious, safe and therfore dull (ouch)

There is more to sort through and let go of. I am so grateful for this trip.