redefining katy

Fear

2010-11-11T21:33:00.000-08:00

In 3 days, I will be walking a half marathon. I intended to run it but my back dictates otherwise. The closer it gets the more I dread it. I believe I can physically do the distance but still something inside of me is fearful of this big thing out there.

One year ago, I started running with the goal of doing a 5K by my birthday. I had never run a mile in my life. In May, I did that. The next month, I signed up for the half marathon. 5 months ago this seemed like a great idea, a challenge. A really big challenge!

I have spent a large portion of my life staying in my comfort zone, which is familiar and produces the least amount of anxiety possible. Many days this means literally staying inside my house. I am afraid to move out of my comfort zone. I want to but it is the unknown, the unfamiliar,the risky, that keeps me from stepping out of these walls. When I signed up for the race, I was feeling brave and now I am just not so sure.

I ended up in physical therapy after hurting my back. One day a new therapist filled in for my regular PT and she basically called me a fool for doing this race. I was furious but probably underneath that anger I feared that she was right.

Maybe I am a fool for doing this but there are worse things I suppose. Like staying locked up by my fears. I am trying to go on Sunday with the attitude of enjoying the race. There are bands every mile. And cheerleaders! What a hoot! I am praying that I will go have fun, finish and laugh at the end. Celebrate! Mike is coming to cheer me on.

In the big scheme of life, this race is a very small thing I know. Somedays it feels like the world is swirling out of control and I feel silly for worrying about this run but I still do. I want to do it yet not just get it done. I want to experience the whole thing and enjoy the fun parts and just let go of the anxious ones.

Dr Mom

2010-02-22T09:13:00.000-08:00

Over the 26 years I have been a mom, I have gotten somewhat of an education of odd, random medical terms. One of the first I remember was an axillary temperature. I had no idea that you could do that. I was laying in bed the other night thinking though a long list of words that I know now - medical words or developmental words. Some sound big, but aren't. Like Juvenile Xantho Granuloma. How about Twin to Twin Tranfsusion Syndrome? That was a scary one. That nearly killed one of our twins.

Proprioceptor
Pulmonary Valve Stenosis
Sensory Integration Disorder
Valvoplasty
Nephrologists
Wry Neck
Auditory Processing Disorder
Transverse Presentation
Accutane and its scary side effects
FLK
Convulsions
Glioma
Astrocytoma
Hematoma
W Sitting

On top of all these illnesses, there is also the normal vomiting, diarrhea, croup, asthma, chicken pox, etc... I have done all that too. All of these words have happened to my kids. All have happened to me too. When your kid has a sickness, you have it too. You feel pain and fear and recovery. Differently than they do, but you still feel it. You sit and wait with them. You worry and pray, hoping for the best. Wonder what will be the long term effects. In these situations, being a mom is draining at best. I remember sitting in the waiting room waiting for Luke to come out of surgery when he was 18 months old. The doctor come out and said he was fine.. that it went well. And I fell apart. Tension had held me together all day.

They don't tell you what you sign up for at the beginning. It is all decorating, picking out names, shopping and dreaming. All of that is great too. But this part is hard work.

Resistance

2009-12-14T14:50:00.000-08:00

I have not bloggged in quite a while. I am fighting with myself over expressing my words. So I usually give up. I even posted one day and a few minutes later I took it down. I'm not exactly sure why it feels so hard right now. I am fighting through some resistance on something else I want to do with a small amount of success.

The post I took down had to do with a dream I had. On November 20th, I dreamed that I saw Jesus standing in front of me. He is holding an infant in His arms. It is my baby. And I walk up to Him and say, " Give me back my baby!" - Not in the kind of voice you would expect to use when talking to Jesus, not yelling but demanding. I don't remember anything else about the dream but that part was very clear.

The next day, November 21, my daughter is having a cat scan on her head. Late that afternoon, I am in HEB buying groceries. My son in law calls and tells me that the cat scan showed something. They are going for an MRI right then. Something is wrong. Terror and fear attack me in the store. I am crying and trying to get out of the store but I need the groceries. So I manage to get into the line and while I am waiting to check out, I remember the dream. Clear as a bell, it is there. Me telling Jesus to give my baby back. Not asking him to hold her. Not enjoying her together. What does this mean? Maybe it is random thoughts running through my brain but I don't think so. The timing is too significant.

I now know she has a brain tumor. And I am trying to rest in the fact that she is in His arms. She always has been and always will be.

addicted

2009-10-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

For the first year we were married, my husband was a fireman. He was gone 1 out of every 3 nights. Then he got a job where he was gone a lot more than that. We had a 3-4 year break from traveling next. But that was 15 years ago. He had been traveling again up until about a year and a half ago. Suddenly they changed his job and he is almost always home. And I am addicted to his presence.

Last night he had to go to Houston. And I cannot sleep without him any more. I do not even get sleepy. On a normal night, I am fading fast at 10pm and out by 11. Last night I was wide awake at 1:30 am. So I gave in and crawled on his side of the bed and tried to smell his pillow and pretend he was there. Even if he is making me crazy or we are angry at each other, I need him there. And I probably fell asleep about 2:30am.

So I am addicted to the man and it is a good thing. One flesh.

Calcification

2009-10-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

I am re-reading Metamorpha by Kyle Strobel. It is my third attempt to get through this book. There is so much meat in it that I haven't gotten finished with it yet. Once again I am struck deeply by something on page 20.

Sometimes we need a new way of seeing.

Cassie had an experience similar to mine She recalls the struggle she had in seminary when she was re-introduced to God: "I remember crying silently in the back row in several classes as I watched in horror the God that I knew and loved being smashed to pieces as professors unwittingly dismantled my view of God, blow after painful blow." A professor who understood and related to Cassie's experience offered a story he thought might help her. In Cassie's own words:

I will never forget the moment Professor Anderson captured this experience with a story that eased my pain. He told his systematic theology class about a woman who, in her later years of life, decided to begin playing piano. She searched for the best piano teacher she could possibly find ans asked him how she could become a master pianist such as himself. He looked hesitantly at her, asking if she was sure she warned to do this. He explained to her that at her age, the woman's bones had naturally calcified and were configured in a certain way. To play the piano, she would need to engage in finger exercises that would break this calcium down, thereby, giving her supple, flexible fingers that would allow her to extend to various keys. He warned her that the finger exercises and the calcium breakdown would be excruciatingly painful, as if her fingers were being smashed.

Cassie soon realized that her spiritual calcification was being broken down. Because of her presuppositions, Cassie needed not only to learn about God but also to unlearn what she falsely believed about God. Cassie believed she could just tack on new information about God to what she already had. Unfortunately, what we erroneously believe about God is often solidified and unyielding, so it is painful to break down.

It feels like I am going through a decalcification process too. Sitting in church each week feels painful sometimes and I try to decipher truth apart from my presuppositions. Or perhaps on top of them. A couple of friends visited our new church a couple of weeks ago and I felt defensive about what the pastor said, hoping they would like him too, hoping I wasn't in the wrong place. Their approval meant way too much to me. God has come out of the box that I have had him in and He feels so big and incomprehensible. This box was defined and rigid and clear. Not it just feels wild and untamed.

Anger

2009-10-04T20:06:00.000-07:00

It must be the topic of the week - anger. So I decided to jump in too. I got mad.... no, furious at a friend this week. He was talking to my husband in our garage. He was talking about a subject I despise, his latest end of the world scenario. I asked him not to do it in front of me. I was strong in telling him that. I could have just gone upstairs and hidden while he was here but instead I stood up for myself and asked him not to. And he ignored me! I put up a barrier of protection for myself and he crashed through it to tell me more. His arrogance floored me. In my house, he treated me like a child - an ignorant child who needed to be scolded and told what was what.

I stood there and listened until I could get away. The fear he stirred up in me is not healthy. But it is biblical, according to him. He made me feel stupid and small. But the truth is he was being an arrogant jerk. And he wonders why people don't listen to him.

I remember feeling this angry a few times when I was a teenager. Once a boss talked to me like this. I was so mad that the top of my scalp tingled.

"In your anger do not sin:"
"for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires"

I believe my friend acts this way because he is an angry man. I am the child of an angry man. I don't know what to do with angry men, but I am trying to feel what I feel and not sin. I want to be what God desires but it is such a hard place.

Underdogs

2009-09-19T08:28:00.001-07:00

Today, Texas Tech plays UT. AT our house, we will be cheering madly for the Red Raiders. I hate UT and always have. I was thinking about why. Here is my theory. I went to a junior high that usually got beaten by the Evans Eagles. Because I was in the band,I went to all the football games so I sat through a lot of bad games. When you have to go to games, in rain, in snow, and unbearable heat, you feel invested in them. Again, in high school, my school was the Mustangs and they were terrible at football. Our arch rivals were the Plainsmen and they always won. They were arrogant and I hated that. After they would beat us, the whole crowd from their side would sing, "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be" to us. Moving on to college, I went to Texas Tech and they sucked back then. Week after week, we would sit and cheer for the underdog. And lose. On the rare occasion that we would beat somebody big, it was euphoric. Insane happiness over a stupid football game. So I hate Texas because they represent years of getting stomped by the big guys in town. And I always love the Cinderella team.

Anyway, there is a more important point to all this and I am getting there. Inside me, my emotions fight against my physical strength. They battle constantly and although emotions sometimes score a few points, generally they get their butts kicked. My emotions are the Cinderella team. They have been told for years that the are weak, ugly and useless. "Use your strength, don't cry like a baby." I have believed for so long that I don't need them. I just need to be a big girl and get the job done.

Today, emotions showed up not as "Cinder" ella, all dirty and beaten down. Today "Ella" showed up, in a beautiful dress, updo and high heels. And emotions gently and softly, tore through the wall that I had built around her for so long. She trumped the physical part of me with her beauty and kindness and tears. And Prince Charming said that he saw my soul. It was euphoric and insane happiness over the battle for the grounds of my heart.

Presidential furor

2009-09-07T18:43:00.000-07:00

I just read the speech Obama is giving school children tomorrow. All I could think of was Bill Cosby. He has been criticized in the black community for telling black children and parents that they need to pay attention to their education. He has been very outspoken about the disintegration of black families. I thought he must be thrilled to see a black man with tremendous influence speaking out to American children of all colors.

I could be wrong. I know a black women who is conservative in her thinking. However she told me that one of the most significant events of her life was seeing Obama elected president. As a white female, I don't completely understand that but I believe her.

Maybe Obama can influence some children who are lost in the system to try harder. Maybe he can give some encouragement to a child who would not hear it from George Bush.

Now I don't agree with his politics or his policies. But I don't get what all the fuss is about. If he does this more and more, then I will get worried.

My brain

2009-09-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

Something happened yesterday, something rather innocent. I told my husband something I was thinking about doing, wanting to do. It is something that is really impossible but I still think it would be great. He did not listen and I went nuts. I was hurt and angry and stormed downstairs to close up the house for the night. As I did, I saw things that were undone all over the house. Food left out, trash that needed to go out... Things that somebody "forgot". So I started doing it and getting madder. The voices in my head said "This is all you are good for," This is your job" "This is what a mom does" ....etc. My machine mode kicked in so fast it surprised me.

Lately I have been thinking about how mind numbingly boring being a housewife can be. It doesn't require much thought to do laundry, or cooking. I don't dislike doing those things. OK I HATE grocery shopping but I don't hate taking care of the house. I certainly enjoy taking care of my family. But there is this problem with my brain. It is screaming for more. It has been 26 years since it has been challenged and it is bored. Why did God give me a brain that likes to think and stretch just to fold towels for the rest of my life? Can I be a good mom and wife and do something else too?

I have thought about college. I fear I would fail due to brain atrophy. I don't know what to study. I didn't know in 1980 and I do not know now. I do know myself better now, so that is helpful. Also I don't have the money. Can I flip burgers again at 47? That sounds embarrassing but I might just do it. I mean that is what college students do, right? Get some crappy job to pay for school.

I am praying that God will show me a direction.

PS- I have a great husband who does not generally ignore me. I should not talk about important things when he is staring at a gun website! Lol!

Back in the blogging saddle

2009-08-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

Marriage has been on my mind a lot lately, so much so that I did something very out of character for me. I will explain later. I see so many people hurting in their marriage. I see lots of people surviving theirs, just existing together in the same house. I refuse to settle for that. My husband told me yesterday that he was so thankful that we have learned some tools to help our marriage stay strong. I really needed to hear that because I was feeling overwhelmed at the news that someone we know is separated and considering divorce after twenty plus years. My question to him was - is this possible to be happily married for life? It is hard, that is for sure. We recently watched Fireproof and it was better than I thought it would be but it felt too simple. 40 days of being nice to your spouse cannot change the rest of your life.

Anyway, last week Mike and I were sitting in a restaurant. Behind me was a man, I could not see him but I could hear every word he said. I even tried not to listen but he was venting his frustrations very loudly. He was talking about his wife and how she was upset with him and he was clueless. He talked about money problems, communication problems, male-female differences, etc. I could hear the anger, the hurt and the confusion in his voice. He sounded sincere in his efforts to fix it but without much success. Part of his conversation lead me to believe his parents had divorced. He ranted for 25 minutes. Something inside me was screaming for me to say something to him and yet I was scared to death. But I did. When we left I walked up to his table and told him I had heard him. His eyes were as big as saucers. He never said a word. I told him that I had been married a long time and I understood his frustrations. I also told him we had found some help through the grace group ministry. I gave him some contact info and walked off.

Now I am an officially crazy church lady! I was shaking by the time we got outside but I still felt lead to give him that information. Mike could not believe I had done that. I couldn't really either.

Goodbye

2009-07-20T10:30:00.000-07:00

My family doesn't do goodbyes well. That hit home last week as we took Holly to the airport for a trip out of the country. We were clowning around with the big group she was with and then she just disappeared. I thought she was in the bathroom but finally I saw her going through security, too far away to say goodbye to. I couldn't even yell it. I was crushed. It was so disappointing. I'm not blaming her because I know she was excited to go.

I asked my oldest son what he thought about this dynamic of our family and he agreed. Just the night before, he said goodbye to Holly very briefly and jokingly. He knew he may not see her again for a long time because he is moving. He said it was awkward and it is just easier to avoid. He also said something that has really been bouncing around in my head. "If you don't feel the sorrow of someone leaving, then can you truly enjoy the joy at their return." Good question. I think Shakespeare said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow". In my brain, sweet and sorrow should not be side by side.

We will get the chance to walk through this awkward situation on both ends in the next few weeks. Holly will come home soon. Joy. My son and his wife will be leaving for grad school. Realistically, they might not ever live here again. Joy for the opportunity he is getting but sorrow for their absence. My oldest daughter and grandson are coming to visit right in the middle of both of these events. And then they will go home. We are anticipating a celebration of seeing them for 2 weeks but then comes the sorrow again. It hurts to even think about this.

I wish I knew how to walk through this well. But I am afraid that I don't, so I fear it will be awkward still. I am tired of feeling awkward.

new eyes

2009-07-19T20:16:00.000-07:00

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. Deut 4:29

I have read this verse before and only thought it said to look for God diligently. Look hard, work hard. The other day I read this and saw it differently. It said to look with your heart and soul. How do you do that? Certainly I cannot see Him with my eyes. But how do you see with your heart?

Dachshund Death March

2009-07-13T12:45:00.000-07:00

Do not ever walk the blue loop at Mc Allister park....in July....at noon. I felt all adventurous this morning and wanted to go for a walk. I have been thinking about walking at McAllister Park but could not find any trail info on the internet. So I just took off.

I started down the blue trail with Doodle, our dachshund, who loves walking. It was 11am. This trail is big but I was not sure how long it was. After walking for 30 minutes, I begin to hear cars and think I must be looping around back to Jones Maltsberger. As I get closer to the road, I am stunned to see it is Starcrest. I am still going east and further way from Jones Maltsberger with each step. Poor Doodles tongue is dragging the ground by now. And she keeps stepping on my feet. She never does this. Finally I see a sign that says I have walked 2 miles. I think Doodle saw it too because she sat down ON MY FEET. No more walking for her. So now I am carrying a hot, 11 pound dog. I passed the next sign and it says 2 5/8 mile. I am still going east and I have not seen a human in a while. I finally saw the road that goes through the park and I bailed off the trail. I felt like it would get me out faster than continuing on the path.

But then I got turned around and nothing looked familiar. I got confused and felt a little panicky. Finally I saw a man cruising the park in his truck. I don't care in he was a gay man looking for a hookup, I was sure glad to see another human. I have now been walking an hour. I am still carrying the dog. My self sufficient side said keep going and you will eventually get there. However, I was worried about the dog. I didn't know if she could do it. So I called my knight in shining armor and he came and rescued us. And he didn't even laugh at my stupidity!

Doodle crashed when we got home and didn't move for 3 hours. Poor dog. She may never go with me again. I finally looked around more on the internet and read somewhere that the blue trail is over 6 miles. I was only half way! Next time I'm going without her and before 11 am!

Betrayal

2009-07-08T11:59:00.001-07:00

Probably 4 months ago, this little word landed in my head. I was listening to Russ teach on betrayal and how it affects people. Nothing in this felt applicable to me until he said one thing. People who have felt the sting of betrayal tend to be hyper vigilant in their relationships. That felt like it belonged to me. It is very true of me. I remember feeling very curious about that word that night.

Last week I went to Lubbock and spent 14 hours alone in the car. It almost didn't happen. The dog got sick and then my daughter got sick with the flu. But something in me still felt the urge to go. Friday morning Holly was feeling better and I decided it was ok to leave.

I listened to Dan Allendar cds as I drove. I have heard all the teaching this spring. The first lesson I heard was on Powerlessness and I was pleased to see that it did not feel as true about me as it did just a few months ago. But the real surprise came when I put in the cd about Betrayal. I heard things I never heard before. It sank in and I got it. Some things Mike has been telling me for years made sense. Big things! I was amazed and overwhelmed as I was driving alone. I needed some solitude to think.

Two days later I was coming back home and I listened again and I kept having to pull over to write down things. It took a while to get home! I took 9 pages of notes.

Here are some of my epiphanies
- betrayal consists of feeling used and then discarded by someone close to you. I have experienced this numerous times. Honestly, who hasn't.
- I am suspicious of kind people
- I am perceptive due to the hyper vigilance but make poor conclusions based on all my data
- if you invite me to care, I will hate you because I am committed to self protection
- I am cautious, safe and therfore dull (ouch)

There is more to sort through and let go of. I am so grateful for this trip.

A Modern Day Pioneer Woman - Hero

2009-06-23T23:03:00.000-07:00

This friendly person is my sister. And she is Laura Ingalls of this decade. 8 years ago, she decided to go for it. Give up what she knew and what was safe. Go west. Go on an adventure. She gave up her secure job, sold her house and took off. Alone. She loaded up her car and went to California in search of love and adventure. If I remember right, as she was leaving,her car was wrecked somehow and she had to duck tape her passenger door shut. Nothing was stopping her. She is the brave one.

I admire this so much in her. It scared me to death for her to do this. I would never do anything like this. I prefer to stay safe. No risk. But not Tresa, she went for it all. Some of her adventure has been heart breaking but some of it turned out great. She made new friends and saw new places. She has seen movie stars, whales, Vegas, broadway plays, etc. These things do not happen in Lubbock.

Now she is thinking about moving back to Texas. I would love to have her closer to us. Maybe it is time for a new chapter in her life. But she still has had an amazing adventure and I am glad she did. She saw what she wanted and risked a lot to get it. And for that she is a role model to me and my girls - she is a hero to emulate. Thanks Tresa.

Miss Congeniality

2009-06-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

Today I was in the car listening to the oldies station and they played Crocodile Rock by Elton John. My mind went racing back to junior high and a party I was at where a friend did the jitterbug over and over to that song. I remember having such fun that night. Then another thing connected with her came back.

There were three of us who were really good friends in junior high. Teri was one of the three. She moved to Amarillo during junior high and the other two in our group threw her a going away party. Teri was a very sweet girl. So naturally many people liked her. For some reason we decided to vote for Miss Congeniality at this party. I think we watched too many Miss America pageants. Naturally Teri won this award. After all it was her party. But the thing I remembered was everybody at the party got at least one vote but me. I counted the votes and I was crushed. I remember thinking I was not likable or worse, just a mean person. I felt terrible the rest of the party like I had finally been let in on the joke and I was the joke. Strange memory but it showed up today out of the blue. Funny how old songs can take you back to places like nothing else can!

Day 1 of my Vacation

2009-06-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

I generally think of vacations as going somewhere but this year my vacation is here at home. The Latin root for vacation is vacatio which means freedom from something or to vacate something. Well 4 members of my household vacated today. One more will be leaving on Tuesday. So technically I am vacationing.

So far it has been hard work. First I cleaned up the boys room and threw away only 18 water bottles this time (see previous post) They are pack rats with a capital P. Actually they are hoarders. Then I cleaned my room and vacuumed. Next I worked in the backyard with Hurley to help. Hurley is a 2 month old beagle who is loads of help. But she is entertaining. She thinks the shovel is wildly fun. She loves to stand in the way and bite your ankles as you work.

Then I pulled up some dead plants in the front yard, trimmed a tree and THEN I broke my toe. It didn't really hurt all that bad. I kicked a rock. I had just taken my shoes off. So then I put them back on just to keep from kicking it again. When I took my shoes off an hour or two later, I was shocked to see it was purple. And it hurts like crazy. All activity stopped. So my vacation just slowed down. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe I will watch a movie with my feet propped up!

A Quarter of a Century

2009-06-12T22:31:00.000-07:00

25 years ago, I became a mom and the whole world changed forever. Mike became a daddy. My sisters became aunts which they were very good at. They bought that baby more dresses than she could ever wear. They adored her completely.

The day she was born is fuzzy in my mind. As you can see in this photo I was drugged. They induced at 9:30 am and she was born at 11:17. I set the record at Methodist Hospital in Lubbock. All I remember of delivery is being fascinated by the clock! Demerol will do that to you.

Last week Holly and I had the oddest conversation about babies. What would happen if they were named based on their birth? I'm not sure how we got there but it was pretty funny. Whitney's name would have been "AAAAAAHHHHHH" Putman. I told Holly that her name would have been "COME OUT ALREADY" Putman. She was 8 days late. My name would have been "Hold on, we aren't at the hospital yet" Putman. My mom almost delivered in the elevator.

So Happy birthday Whit! You rocked my world and I have loved it all.

Very Belated Birthday

2009-06-06T20:59:00.001-07:00

Yes I know it has 3 weeks since my birthday but I promised I would post these photos. So here they are. Out of order. I downloaded tham in backwards order so start at the bottom. Work with me. I'm getting old.

My kids and husband decided I needed a birthday party and it should be a surprise. As you can see from the photos, I was surprised. It was way fun. Contrary to photographic evidence, I did open my eyes during this party. It is a genetic flaw to shut them in photos.

Thanks to all who came and helped out. I am blessed to have good friends who can lie and keep secrets surprisingly well. They got me good!

Tomorrow is the big day!

2009-06-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Nate has his next surgery. This time the doctor will repair his palate. Hopefully, this will be the last surgery for a long time, maybe forever. They will also be doing a small repair on his nostril which is slightly misshaped. He is Georgetown Hospital with his mom and dad and Grandma and Grandpa Archer. I will be here pacing the floors.

Please pray for successful repair and healing. Also eating difficulties to be gone after his mouth heals. And while you are praying, his Daddy needs a job! Thanks and I will update ASAP.

How does this happen?

2009-05-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend Taylor graduated high school. As I was listening to all the kids in her group tell their dreams and plans, something really hit me. Parenting teenagers has some really great perks. I remember as a new mom, many older parents would "ooh" and "aah" over my adorable babies and then they would warn "just wait until they are teenagers". I always hated that and have not found it to be true. I love having a houseful of teenagers. They can do things for themselves. I don't smell like spit up all the time. They sleep late! But the best part (this is what I realized) is you get to watch them figure out who they are. Little pieces fall into place all along their childhood but the big discoveries happen now. They stumble upon their passions and you get to see that excitement and share some of it.

Some of Taylor's gifts were evident the day we had this baby picture made. I remember it so well. She was charming everyone in Kmart that day. Normally we only bought the photos included in the package deal but I had to have this one because she had the employees wrapped up in her magic that day. That smile and laughter. And those amazing blue eyes. All three still work magically today. She lights up a room when she comes in and people are drawn to her joy. She will be walking around the house and break out in spontaneous dancing and singing. And then she has everybody laughing. Magic!

As a preschooler, she started t-ball, which she hated because it was a baby game. She wanted to play hard core. In middle school, she was asked to fill in on a fast pitch softball team one game and I knew she was hooked. The joy on her face that day as she slid safely into second place was evident. Watching her play in high school has been so much fun. She pulls people into the fun because her excitement is contagious.

Other things she loves are photographs, Spanish, music, pasta. But really her passion is her faith and people. She is a natural teacher and is great with kids. She is a good friend.

I am excited to see what God is going to do with her life. When she was a toddler, someone said that maybe she would be a missionary in a difficult country because of her strength and stamina. I don't know about that but I am watching and expecting the next chapter to be captivating - Taylor style!

Cold

2009-05-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

This is me. For the last week I have been feeling a cold coming. Well on Saturday, it kicked my butt. Someday soon, my brain will work again and I might post something.

Extravagant

2009-04-23T16:45:00.000-07:00

The word extravagant has been floating around my brain the last few days. Here are some of its definitions. The first one is how I would use it normally - spending much more than is necessary or wise; wasteful: an extravagant shopper. The other two are more related to my thoughts this week - exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions, or passions
- going beyond what is deserved or justifiable

The synonyms go along the same path. Some describe irresponsibility - imprudent, spendthrift, prodigal. Others describe being over the top in a more positive light - excessive, unrestrained, fantastic, wild, absurd, preposterous.

I was at Bible study the other night and we were reading John 12.

"Six days before the Passover, Jesus arrived at Bethany, where Lazarus lived, whom Jesus had raised from the dead. Here a dinner was given in Jesus' honor. Martha served, while Lazarus was among those reclining at the table with him. Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But one of his disciples, Judas Iscariot, who was later to betray him, objected, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." He did not say this because he cared about the poor but because he was a thief; as keeper of the money bag, he used to help himself to what was put into it. "Leave her alone," Jesus replied. "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial. You will always have the poor among you, but you will not always have me."

Mary was extravagant here. Judas saw it as wasteful. I probably would have thought so too. Jesus saw it as wild, passionate, and fantastic. It was worship. The house was full of the fragrance. Someone mentioned that her hair would have carried that fragrance for some time, reminding her of her extravagance and His delight in her gift. It struck me that this is how God loves. People usually don't. He goes over the top and I want to see it when he does. I believe He showed me some of His extravagant gifts that night.

- Jared getting into the school of his dreams
- my time for the last month
- a friend's enjoying not working for the first time
- Nate's smile

Today I remembered a song by Casting Crowns about this same thing. It took me all day to remember enough words to look it up. I was blown away by the words that I had forgotten.
Another gift!

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ
there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known;
You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Worst Fear

2009-04-16T01:35:00.000-07:00

I am awake at 3 am for some unknown reason. So I was reading a new book about how we live out our faith as either avoiding the God of our Worst Fears or trusting The Voice of Love. It rings true in my heart. I have spent a lot of years avoiding my fears and did not even know what they were. So God showed me the fears, defined them, named them. And He has been showing me where they show up in my life. It would have been faster to show me where they didn't.

My biggest fear (I believe) is being unwanted. This fear has caused me to jump through a lot of hoops and do a lot of stupid, damaging things. Mostly though it has kept me from living with dreams and hopes. It leaves me frightened and manipulative trying to protect myself. I don't risk because that could leave me standing alone again.

In January, I was given an opportunity to do something that felt very huge to me. Like a dream, too big to be real. Part of it felt like a risk. I was unsure I could do what I was asked but I jumped at the chance. For weeks, I stressed myself trying to control and perform at the level I thought I should. Physically, emotionally, the effects began to show up in my life. But I still pushed myself. Do you see how many times the word "I" is in that paragraph? I was trying my best to control the situation, to prove that I could do the job.

Another risk that I did not know existed jumped up and took this opportunity away. It pushed all my unwanted buttons, telling me I was not good enough to go. Evil whispered in my ear. Just a few days ago, I was thinking God was going to come through at the last minute and let me go. I fantasized all day about how He was going to get it done. But He did not. Friday is the day everybody leaves for this trip and I will not be going.

I feel Him comforting me and telling me to sit and not maneuver. Just let Him be in charge of what is happening. Last night, at Grace Group, I was feeling alone again. I was in an awkward situation and singled out in a bad way. But it did not control me like it could have. It felt yucky but not overwhelming. I have to learn the trust The Voice of Love. It said to me last night, "What you did was enough."

I have been given a gift of more free time recently and I don't know what to do with it. So I am asking and waiting. I am not trying to fill up my time but instead waiting to see what He wants for me.

Now I have heard it all

2009-04-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

I was surfing the internet the other day. Reading blogs. I was reading the blog of a man who runs a curriculum company for homeschoolers. He was discussing a group of homeschoolers in Colorado that would not allow his company to show its products because it was not conservative enough. There are some seriously nutty homeschoolers. So I started going to links that he had posted about where this can lead to and found something that goes way beyond nutty homeschoolers. It is called CDD - Christian Domestic Discipline. Here are some excerpts from what I read.

A domestic discipline marriage is one in which one partner in the marriage is given authority over the other, and has the means to back up that authority, usually by spanking.

Domestic discipline is highly individual and private in nature. Each couple must decide for themselves how they will carry out discipline in their own households, but usually it starts with long talks between the couple to establish expectations for their own domestic discipline relationship, responsibility accepted by the dominant partner, and consent given from the submissive one. Rules are generally set down, sometimes written, sometimes spoken, and consequences set. Not all domestic discipline relationships use spanking as the only consequence or even as a consequence at all. Some couples prefer other punishments; such as, writing lines, corner time, and grounding. Some couples pair these other punishments with spanking. Most domestic discipline couples practice some form of spanking, which seems to come in three categories: play spanking, maintenance spanking, and punishment spanking.

A Christian Domestic Discipline marriage is simply a marriage set up according to Biblical standards.Therefore, in a CDD marriage, the husband is the authority of the household. The wife is submissive to her husband as if the Lord Himself was her husband.

This part is really disturbing!
NONCONSENUAL CONSENT
Nonconsensual Consent is what is commonly used in Christian Domestic Discipline marriages.The concept of nonconsensual consent is that consent is given in the beginning for the relationship. Essentially, the wife is giving her husband permission to decide when, where, how, how often, and under what circumstances he may punish her based on the parameters they have agreed upon in their prior discussions.A wife may withdraw or amend consent at any time other than just before, during, or just after punishment.

Now that you know what your wife "REALLY" wants, talk about it, try to understand her, and try to meet her needs, and if she has asked you for the physical, but you just can't bring yourself to do that, well then at LEAST give her some occasional "me man, you woman" stinging swats either in passing, or when she is getting a bit feisty or sassy… you know the kind, the ones that make her go "mmm hmmm he's a man, my man, and he is in control" the "I'm HIS girl…." kind of playful, or warning swats, you can't imagine just how good they make her feel. Oh she will say "ow" feign a pout, or even give you the "what was that for" but deep down she is shivering at your "manliness", and thinking, "hmm I had better watch myself or he may just take me over his knee" and the thought of that causes her to tremble with excitement, anticipation, fear and feelings beyond words.

This is written by a woman in a CDD marriage.
He talks with me throughout the punishment. He asks me "Are you doing ok? This behavior has to stop. Be still. You are doing good, hun." and so on. When he pulls me up, if I am not completely repentant and in tears, I go back OTK. When we are done, I am drawn to his chest and he holds me tight while further lecturing me. I am at peace, I am truly sorry and ready to change, and my only desire is that of pleasing him in all I do. If in a few hours my attitude is back (very rarely does that happen, he can usually tell right away) then it's back otk for more. (by the way, OTK means over the knee)

There are even books (romance books?) about this subject.
Mothering; A Spanking Romance CollectionMothering; A Spanking Romance Collection (book)
Print: $8.19
Download: $3.95
This collection of stories follows three moms who are part of Christian Domestic Discipline relationships with their husbands. In the first story, a new mom must learn to take care of herself so that she can give the best possible care to her baby. In the second story, a mom of school-aged children learns time management. And in the third story, a mother of a teenager must learn to be stricter with her daughter. Please note: these stories contain the spanking of adult women.

These men are supposedly trying to love their wives like Christ loves His bride. They discipline their wives for simple things like not cleaning out the cat box. But I see Jesus responding to adultery differently in John 8. He speaks the truth yet shows love and forgiveness. He does not offer condemnation or violence.

"The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Public School Week 1

2009-04-03T18:59:00.000-07:00

Well today is the end of week 1 of our new adventure. I have done several things this week that seem so normal to most moms but were firsts for me. Putting a kid on the bus, packing lunches, scrambling for lunch money, helping with homework, buying gym clothes, sitting in a pick up/drop off line. Weird.

It has been a good week for the kids. They have come home happy most days. No tears, no meltdowns. I came the closest to that. I was a little panicky Sunday night and sick at my stomach. Since then, I have taken a few naps, gone shopping, watched a couple of movies, did a little yard work... Basically not much but relaxing.

The kids have learned about cafeteria food. The first day Holly came home and when we asked her what she had for lunch she said, "I don't know." Luke had chicken fried steak and said it tasted close to crap. (Who taught these kids to talk like that?) So mostly they took their lunch. They have gotten lost. They have had a hard time opening their lockers. Luke tried 3 times to open the wrong locker. Holly was assigned to 2 classes that don't exist and her schedule completely changed. Unfortunately the school forgot to tell her old teachers that she was no longer in their class so the office called us to report our child was skipping class. Today was the first day she had a "normal" day. Last night Cody had a math problem neither Mike nor I could figure out. LOL

I have been impressed mostly this week by my own kids. They have handled this so well. And they are excited about learning new things. One of the goal of most homeschoolers and probably most parents in other schools, is for their child to learn to love learning. I saw that this week as their options expanded. That was cool to see. I helped give them that and I pray they always keep it. I was also reminded this week of something God has shown me many times. He is a great parent and He is a great teacher. And I am immensely grateful for His goodness to me and my kids.

weary

2009-04-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am weary. Last night as I was driving home from CBC, I could feel it coming. Not just your regular tiredness. More than that. Drained, physically and emotionally. By the time I got home I was feeling sick and could barely make it up the stairs. I went straight to bed.

I am tired of being pushed and stretched. Tired of growth and change and pain. Struggling to show up but wanting to check out. Our group last night was a struggle for me. Good things were going on but I was at war in my mind. Whatever I did was never enough. Somebody always wants more and I don't have it right now. I feel like an old poster with a cat hanging onto a tree limb by it's claws. It said something like "Hang on Baby cause Friday's coming!" I feel like quitting . I feel like Jacob at the end of a long night of wrestling with God. Exhausted.

49

2009-03-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

I was looking for something in one of the kid's room (anonymous kid). As I was looking, I started picking up some mess and laundry and pretty soon I was cleaning. Then I made the mistake of looking under the bed. It was crammed full of dirty socks, underwear, pens, math books, dirty dishes and water bottles. I started pulling out crap and saw why anonymous kid never has socks. They were all under the bed. And more water bottles. Soon I am under the bed with water bottles. I was pulling them out, more and more. I began to laugh because I could not believe what I was seeing. Most of the bottles were almost full. 3 had never been opened. So I began to dump them out and throw them away. I filled up a trash can and then another. Outside in the recycle bin, I decided I would count them. 49 EMPTY WATER BOTTLES. Unbelievable.

Pandora's Box

2009-03-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

It seems like I have opened up a big can of worms in my head and my heart. The definition of a can of worms is "a complex, troublesome situation arising when a decision or action produces considerable subsequent problems." That sounds ominous.

We are considering putting our 2 youngest in public school. Believe it or not this idea was reborn after a sermon including this verse. 1 Timothy 6:17 - Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. The last part is what got to me. I am a firm believer that God gives us what we need. I have experienced it many times and in many big ways. But I have not considered that He could provide something in His richness for my enjoyment or for the enjoyment of my kids.

I have enjoyed homeschooling my kids tremendously but that feeling is gone mostly. I don't think they enjoy it either. They are lonely and bored. I keep trying to muster up some excitement for it again but it just won't come. I trust myself way too much here. I heard a pastor say this weekend, "I am not as sovereign as I think I am." Can I trust Him enough to do this for me? Yesterday the answer was yes. It seemed everybody I talked to had words of encouragement in such specific ways that I was blown away. Today the answer in not so clear. I have sat with one child in his fear of all these changes today. I have been told that they will be eaten alive in public schools. The boys have not liked decisions we have made about this. Also I went shopping with them and saw their concern about their clothes not being good enough. I am torn in two by all this.

The term Pandora's Box came to mind but I could only remember part of the story. So I looked it up on wikipedia. Here is part of what it said.

After Promethius' theft of the secret of fire, Zeus ordered Hephaestus to create the woman Pandora as part of the punishment for mankind. Pandora was given many seductive gifts from Aprodite, Hermes, Hera, Charies, and Horae. For fear of additional reprisals, Prometheus warned his brother Epimetheus not to accept any gifts from Zeus, but Epimetheus did not listen, and married Pandora. Pandora had been given a large jar and instruction by Zeus to keep it closed, but she had also been given the gift of curiosity, and ultimately opened it. When she opened it, all of the evils, ills, diseases, and burdensome labor that mankind had not known previously, escaped from the jar, but it is said, that at the very bottom of her box, there lay hope.

Isn't it interesting that her curiosity is considered a gift, yet it unleashed many unpleasant things in the world. But ultimately it led to hope. That is what I need is hope, not in a myth but a God who gives generously good things.

Two young bulls

2009-03-19T08:11:00.000-07:00

This is what my house looks like today. I have 2 young bulls testing each other and themselves all day. They are driving me crazy. I have laughed with other moms of teenage boys about having too many bulls in my barn before. We were talking about husbands and sons. But it never dawned on me that someday I would have a unique problem as the mother of twin boys. They have wrestled since before they were born. They would fight in the bathtub. As toddlers, after baths, they had naked twin wrestling which is one of the funniest things I have ever seen.

Now it is not funny. There are hurt feelings and anger. Not too much laughing either. I never had a brother so this feels unusual but maybe it is not. I don't know what to do or not do.

Back to the barn!

Life theories

2009-03-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

This week I was reminded of one of my darkest days. 10 years later it still kills me. Any Asian child reminds me. Mention the word Korea or adoption and my mind goes there. Agony. Confusion. Loneliness. I wonder if I will ever get over it. No friends came along side us in our grief of losing a child. He did not die but it felt like he did. And a part of me died that day too. So many unanswered questions. Why does God allow us to dream big dreams and even seemingly come and help us along, then later allow them to be dashed against the rocks?

This week another dream crashed. I am not a dreamer. I just don't allow myself. It feels like torture. My husband is a dreamer and it makes him angry that I don't dream. But somehow I allowed myself to want this something. It snuck in under the radar and got hold of me. Leading and teaching at SALTS. And on Tuesday, it blew up in my face. I am not going. They don't need me because not enough people signed up. How many times do I have to do this? Why does this happen? I know I will move on and get over it but I just don't get it. This time I was not alone in my sadness. Friends are sitting with me in it but it is still mine alone. Today during a meeting, someone would just mention SALTS and I would crater again. Fighting back tears and losing.

Now, I know, in the big scheme of life, this is no big deal. I am not dying. My child is not dying. I still have a family and a home and am safe. But it still sucks and I still don't know what to do with it. Everybody tells me to feel it and so I am. I laugh with my adult kids sometimes that my life theory is "Being an adult sucks". One of my husband's favorites is "Life is messy" or sometimes "It sucks to be you!" Amen!

Laugh for today

2009-03-12T13:26:00.000-07:00

This Land Was Made For Me Not You
Fast Food Medford, OR, USA
Me: “Hello, May I take your order?”
Customer: “Yes I’d like two bean burritos, 2 fah-jee-tuhs, grilled stuffed burritos, and a large drink.”
Me: “Fah-jee-tuh?”
Customer: “Yes!”
Me: “You mean fajitas?”
Customer: “No, we don’t pronounce it like that! We’re in America, not Mexico!”

http://notalwaysright.com/

As a former waitress, store clerk, fast food worker etc etc., I love this website.

Feeling words

2009-03-10T20:40:00.001-07:00

At the end of each night of Grace Groups, everybody gives a word to describe what they feel like. I think this is designed to get you to re-connect with the fact that you feel things. Most of the time I was not aware that I was feeling much of anything. That is called numb.

Well today I got a lesson in feeling from this ministry- way more than I ever thought I could learn in one day. At the end of my day I feel......

angry
explosive
disappointed
repulsed
lost
humiliated
left out
embarrassed
doubtful
shocked
defeated
lonely
uncertain
betrayed
hopeless
spent

It has been quite a day. I think I'll go to bed.

Kitchen Tables

2009-03-09T08:04:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere that a woman's life revolves around her kitchen table. That has been floating around in my brain a few days.
I have been thinking about the
tables we have had. The first table
we had looked like this retro 1950
set. My grandmother died right before I got married and we got
her table and chairs. The chairs had been recovered in gold. Ugly but it was our first table. Meals for 2.

The next table was a hand me down too but it was wooden and looked much nicer. Table for 4. It lasted until we had 3 kids and needed more room.
The next table, Mike made and it morphed several times. This is only possible if you live with a woodworker. First it sat 6 and was rectangular then it was round and sat 9, then it morphed back to a smaller round for 4.
Weird. The table we have now, Mike also made. It has also morphed a few times. Currently it can seat 14. The tables morphed as our family grew and shrank. Usually it is dinner for 6 these days.

Life has certainly revolved around these tables. Sewing, taxes, groceries, coloring books, play dough and phonics books have all sat on my table. The kids have learned math, reading, Bible verses, handwriting and other subjects at the kitchen table. Meals, good and bad. I once poisoned my husband, accidentally, with his favorite meal on his birthday! Celebrations, holidays, wrapping gifts that we couldn't wait to see them open. On top of the morphing round table, our twins were circumcised. About 4 years later, the kids and I were eating lunch one day at the kitchen table and Mike tried to drive a bobcat through the back wall and join us at the table! Luke's eyes were as big as saucers.

We have had company eat at these tables. Friends we never see anymore and some friends we still do see. The kids have their friends around the table to eat and play games. Lots of laughing.
I remember doing a Bible study years ago with a couple who were new believers. We decided to study Hebrews (????) Mostly we sat there confused and laughed at how little we understood.
Just yesterday, we were sitting at the table watching Nate crawl via Skype. It is not as good as the real thing but it was still great.

We have fed as many as 40 here, not all at one table of course. 15 people are not uncommon. Someday, I suppose, Mike or I will sit and eat alone at the table, wishing for someone to come and eat with us. Table for 1.

redefining katy

2009-03-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who has a unusual habit of giving her friends presents on her birthday. It is usually something significant, something she has thought about a lot. One year it was an animal print coffee mug to remind her friends we serve a wild God. One year it was thongs and I'm not sure what that was about. This year it was something she wrote about each one and framed. I have had mine for a month now and haven't hung it. It feels too big, too much. Here is mine.

The Katy that I see is

Knowledgeable of who she is in Christ. She walks a life of freedom in Christ and helps others to do the same.

Anointed - Like Jesus, she makes it her goal to heal those with broken hearts. Her heart aches for those who have been abused and wounded in life and she does all she can to help them heal and be whole.

Tenacious - She has a resolute and confident faith in God who always causes her to triumph in life. Knowing she is empowered by God, she never gives up. Instead she presses forward putting her hope in God alone.

A River, not a swamp - God has blessed her with the gift of bringing life, refreshment and healing to women whose lives seem dry and hopeless. Like a river, she helps restore that which was thought to be dead, back to life so it can bear fruit for the kingdom.

Influential - Her desire is to make a difference, so she does not hold back but does whatever it takes to help people see their value in the kingdom. All those who come in contact with her are blessed.

Nurturer - She has a heart of compassion that is touched by the hurt and pain of others. Her primary concern is for her family and she finds great joy in caring for and encouraging the growth and success of each member.

Above and Not Beneath - She knows the rightful place of authority; that she is the head and not the tail so she does not make her back like the ground, but rises up to the glory of God.

I wish these words were completely true but it is a journey I am on.

Valentine's Day

2009-02-17T21:44:00.000-08:00

Valentine's morning, I had to go to the grocery store. I hadn't planned on it but we needed eggs. I walked in and was surrounded by balloons and flowers and men trying desperately to figure it all out. I have watched this before on other Valentine's Days. Before it had amused me, but this time I felt curious. I saw one particular man wondering around, clueless. He went from the stuffed animals to the cards and back again. These guys are what HEB thrives on. They know he is clueless and would buy anything if he thought it would make his girl happy. I felt sorry for him. Later as I was finishing up, I saw him again with a red and white puppy in his hand. He looked satisfied with it but was still scrambling for more. It was kind of pathetic to watch.

I was curious about what makes a guy decide what to buy. Or for that matter what makes a girl want a red stuffed puppy. It is something I have struggled with myself. What to do with Valentines Day. For years, I declared I wanted nothing. It was better than being disappointed. Then in the last few years, I realized I want something but what? My poor husband!

Finally this year I think I have an idea. I want something from the heart. I know that doesn't help my husband much but I finally understand. Once he gave me a bear and I loved it. This year I got a card with his words inside and I cried. It was perfect because his heart was in it. If he had showed up with a stuffed puppy, flowers and balloons I probably would have been mad. Because I don't think that would have expressed his heart. Not this year.

Before he gave me the card, I could feel the disappointment sitting, waiting to pounce on me but I held off....hoping. And his card surpassed all I could hope for. It described what we have, what we don't have and who we are and how he loved it all and wanted more. After I cried, I laughed hysterically at all the misspellings. It was awesome.

Someday, when I am skinny (if I ever live that long), the perfect thing will be candy. Until then, that's just one more thing I don't want!

choice

2009-02-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

Living with deadness is a choice, my choice. Allender says that living as a dead soul is an assault against God, who creates life. "To live as a dead being before the living God is to say that death is preferable to life with Him."

"The refusal to be dead is the choice to admit and embrace our existence; I am not a shadow, a quiet ghost, a substanceless vapor. I am a person who can enjoy and be enjoyed by God and who can relate to others in a way that draws them to an enjoyable relationship with God."

This feels true and real today in a new way. Exciting. Scary. Sad. Hopeful.

The Bride

2009-02-11T04:05:00.000-08:00

The bride is going across town to take her bridal portraits. It is June and it is hot outside. She is driving his truck and feels loved in this truck. It smells of him, the groom. She has her hair in curlers, in public, but she doesn't care. She feels pretty today. She even goes through a drive through to get a drink. Who cares if she looks silly. The big white dress is hanging in the truck. Ruffles and lace.

She is going alone. Nobody came along. Alone feels peaceful. Protected.

As the wedding gets closer, this peace fades and the bride feels impatient to get to the day. Little bits of the joy of the day are leaving, taken away. She wrecks her car, then worries about getting it fixed in time to take the trip. Moving her belongings, picking her cake, sewing dresses - it feels overwhelming to do alone. Her mother doesn't like the cake. The cake topper is childish. The flavor is wrong. It is all too expensive. Words feel like little stabs.

The day before, the bride is informed she must attend another wedding on her day. It is the right thing to do. Find the time. She doesn't fight for herself. Another stab. A little blood is leaking out. Sitting at that wedding feels like torture. Her mother says it was the most beautiful wedding ever. Another bandaid is needed.

Finally the time arrives. No more deciding. Right or wrong. It is done. The orange cake was supposed to be pink but it doesn't matter. Her nails didn't get done but she ran out of time. The white dress is on, covering the wounds and bandages. She hopes he won't see. If he knew, would he stay? It feels like a chain is on her foot. She must be careful to hide it as she walks. All the baggage is covered up. The door opens and he is waiting there. She wants to run - away from her dad's elbow. To him, the groom. She is bouncing now, like a sprinter before a race. Anxious to start. Why is it taking so long? The music is slow. She must control her urge to speed up.

The groom has finally come. She has looked for him for a long time. She gave up. He tells her about The Groom. The One who is coming to take the bride home. The Groom doesn't care about the wounds. He knows them and loves anyway. He sees it all. No hiding.

Words

2009-02-03T20:28:00.000-08:00

When did I come to believe that my words become dangerous? Someone asked me that tonight after watching me struggle to say good things that seem frozen in my mind. I feel mute. So I am vomiting every message that I can think of that I ever got about my words.

When I was little, my sisters talked for me. People would ask what my name was and before I could answer they would say, “ Her name is Katy” “How old are you?” people would ask and they would say, ‘”She is 4 .”

In 1st grade when I started school, I talked all the time and I would get bad marks on my report card saying I talked too much in school. My parents thought the teacher did not know who I was. Eventually I got a spanking in school for talking. The rule at our house was if you got a spanking at school, you got one at home. So if I told the truth, I got into trouble. So not telling felt safer. It has always felt huge to me that I lied to them but what choice did they give me.

I remember feeling really brave when I was about 13 and smarting off to my dad. I kept pushing him with my words. I remember sitting at the dinner table. The tension is rising and my sister are squirming, wishing I would shut up. He told me to stop being a smart aleck and I said back, “Well I may be smart, but my name is not Aleck” I thought he would kill me. I don’t remember him touching me but he was so mad. I was sure he would explode or have stroke or something.

I was talking on the phone once with my cousin and she asked if we were coming over there that day and I said, “Yeah maybe.” I did not mean anything. We got together with my dad’s family a lot on the weekends. Well she must have said something to her mom, who is my dad’s sisters. He hated this sister and she must have said something to him. Probably something rude. They cannot talk to each other without an explosion. He chewed me out for promising to go over there which is ridiculous. Not like he ever listened to what we wanted to do anyway. But we did go over there and I was somehow at fault.

I love words. I love English and I love journalism. In high school I was editor of the school newspaper. I loved the edginess of saying things that were true but nobody wanted to hear . Asking hard questions, criticizing the system. One time the cheerleaders at a football game did a cheer that my dad felt was racist. Basically they were mocking stereotypical black dialect. He was griping about it and I told him he should write a letter to the editor (which was me) So he did. I loved him for it. It felt like he got me for once. I got all kinds of grief about it at school but I was secretly proud of him for rocking the boat. The newspaper staff did not get into trouble for that but we got into plenty of trouble with the Principal. We were constantly told to not print something and that if we did he would shut down our department. I loved my teacher. Mama Marge, we called her. She encouraged me to study journalism at the school she thought was great. I wanted to be a journalist and change the world with my words. That idea got shelved to do lack of money so I became an accounting major at the local college. And I hated it. And I quit.

I am a word nerd. I like to look in a thesaurus. I like grammar rules and spelling correctly. I had to look up smart aleck just to make sure i spelled it right because it would drive me crazy for it to be seen as a mistake.

If having too many words gets you into trouble, then not having any makes you invisible. I can be invisible. Literally, I have stood in line and have the person behind me waited on first. Mike has seen this happen more than once. Once I was in a cell phone store. There was nobody in the store but me and 3 of my kids. The 2 employees were talking behind the counter and I was waiting. This went on and on and they were not doing work. They were just talking. I waited and waited and finally after about 10 minutes I butted in and asked if they could help me. Amazingly enough, one of them says to me, “Oh I thought somebody else had helped you.” There was nobody else in the store.

When I got married, my mom’s best friend made the cake. I asked for lemon cake because I love it and she said no because too many people don’t like flavors. Ok. So much for bridezilla. The day of the wedding, I am astonished to see the cake is cherry flavored which I hate and yet I cannot say anything because she did this as a favor to my mom.

As an adult, I distrust women who talk a lot. They feel too big and wear me out. They intimidate me.

I have just learned to shut up. It is easier. My husband loves to talk so I let him. Sometimes he talks on top of me, answering questions for me and I feel invisible again. Sometimes it feels easy when he talks for me.

My messages - don't talk, choose your words carefully, don't speak the truth, don't ask for what you want, my words are unnecessary, shut up and be a good girl, use precise words

ROFL Part 2

2009-01-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Today's note was much less friendly. Holly got up at 4 am to go to the Cowboy Breakfast. They were freezing so they came home and crashed.

"I was up way before it should be legal. Don't you dare wake me up! Rawr!!!

Me

ROFL

2009-01-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

My very imaginative daughter left me a note taped to her door last night. This is what it said.

There is no need that you should feel obligated to awake me this morning. Studies show that the more sleep one gets, the better that person excels that day. Now, you don't want me to fail in any of my classes, especially my cake class. Because if I fail in my cake class, then I may become traumatized from all things cake and them never continue my education in cake decorating. What if I am to one day become a famous cake designer and eventually save the world from disaster by making cakes. How can one save the world bu using cakes, you might ask. Well very simply.... What if the head of Russia decides he is going to destroy the world by dropping dozens of atomic bombs. I just happen to know that he loves koala bears and has a sweet tooth. I could make him a delicious koala bear cake and and as he is entranced in my cake, I will talk him out of destroying the world. Now you wouldn't want to have to live (or die) with the thought that you woke me up one morning too early, therefore causing me to fail in cake class and then I never learned to make yummy koala cakes and the world explodes cause you wanted me awake. Wouldn't that make you feel guilty. Now if you chooses to not wake me up you will in fact save the world.

Sincerely,
Holly ( the cakester)

We are all in mortal danger now because I did in fact wake her up!

Cool Cakes by Holly

2009-01-28T20:19:00.001-08:00

I want to ride the ferris wheel instead

2009-01-25T18:29:00.000-08:00

I thought I had blogged about risk once before and sure enough I found it. Back in Decmber. Out of self protection, I was very vague about the big risk I took and now I cannot remember what it was. Funny how something that seems so big, just a few months ago, I cannot even recall. Maybe that is a good thing.

I felt like I took a risk today and it felt really small thinking about it before hand. But when the time came, it felt heavy and huge. I said it anyway and now I feel foolish and exposed. Kind people were there and said all the right things but still I feel like I gained 100 pounds. When I got back home I wanted to eat - everything. It was an incredible urge, like a monster inside me screaming. I didn't eat HEB out of business but it is interesting that I wanted to. The next feeling to hit was being silly. I was singing in public and laughing at everything. It was fun but it passed. Now I feel very thoughtful and tired. I am on a roller coaster and I hate roller coasters. Hanging on and trying not to vomit.

Welcome to my world!

2009-01-21T16:31:00.001-08:00

Since my last post, I have tried to get back and write something but haven't had a minute. Life gets a little crazy around here sometimes but the past two weeks have redefined craziness.

Jan 7 - Dentist appointment for 4 of us. We sit there for 2 hours before the receptionist notices us in the lobby and informs we that we do not have an appointment. We did have an appointment but she screwed up. I am angry and feel like removing her head. But I don't.

Jan 8 - Holly has an ingrown toenail removed. I have a meeting. Jared and Jess are in town and Luke has a basketball game. Holly has cake decorating class and the boys have Awana. Mike decides we should go out to eat and a movie alone tonight before all of the rest of our company shows up. He is a smart man!

Jan 9 - Whitney, Daniel and Nate arrive! We completely freak the little guy out at the airport.
We stay up way too late talking and laughing.

Jan 10 - We now have 11 people in the house and 3 more friends drop by to see Whitney and family. We cook out yummy steaks for dinner. Luke is running a fever and has a bad backache and headache.

Jan 11 - My parents are now here too. And my dad is mad at me. He won't even talk to me. 13 for lunch. We do family photos at the park. My dad decides to take us all out to eat. We have a great time at La Fogata laughing and trying new things and Jared drinks the biggest margarita I have ever seen. Luke is feeling a little better but tells me he has blood in his urine. I worry.

Jan 12 - I call our pediatrician to get an appointment and they give me a hard time about the fact that they have not seen him in so long. I am suppressing the desire to sarcastically tell them that I am sorry he is too healthy. But we did get an appointment and Nate gets to go along. I had told Whit I would keep him so she could go shopping with my parents. It has been a long time since I ran around with a baby - strollers, bottles, diapers, car seats. We are gone all afternoon because we are sent somewhere else to get blood drawn. The doctor tells him to rest and come back Friday.

Jan 13 - Mike's parents come to see Nate. 11 people and 2 dogs and a baby. The house is full of talking and laughing.

Jan 15 - My sister, Tresa, is supposed to come today but she has strep throat. She is so sick that she cannot talk and has white spots all over her throat. She is so disappointed and so are we. Cake class again and Holly makes the most amazing cake yet. I will have to post photos of her creations soon.

Jan 16 - Luke goes back to the doctor. There is till blood in the urine and now protein too. She says he has Glomerulo nephritis, a kidney disease. More worry and I start praying harder. We need to see a nephrologist. I learn some new words today. My other sister, her daughter and granddaughter come also. 14 people now. We stay up too late again. Who needs to sleep.

Jan 17 - We are having a birthday party for Holly tonight. Last year for her birthday, she got strep throat so I want to make this special for her. I wake her up to Panera bagels and cream cheese. She is more than happy to get up. She bakes 2 more cute cakes and totally trashes the kitchen. 5 more people drop by. She wants to be able to dance at the party and we move all the furniture out of our living room to have a dance floor. 14 family members and 11 party guests and we are overflowing. They did line dancing and square dancing. My parents showed them how. There was some swing dancing and the worm and the Charleston. The kids did Driving the Bus dance. Way fun. Once again we are up late.

Jan 18 - We wake up to the stomach bug. Lea Ann, Lorin and Lyza are all sick. And I am sanitizing everything I see. I am exhausted. I have a meeting that afternoon and I can't find the house and I don't know the code to the gate to get in and I am freaking out and I start crying. Meltdown.

Jan 19 - Mike and Daniel are both sick. My dad too. I am scrubbing everything again.

Jan 20 - Now Whitney is sick. At midnight Luke is unable to sleep because his back is hurting so bad.

Jan 21 - We end up in the ER until 5 am. Luke has an infection in his bladder. the doctor is very vague. My car breaks and Mike needs a root canal and is hurting. Whitney and Daniel have been trying all week to go on a date and this is their last chance so Nate and I are home alone. It is wonderfully quiet. Tomorrow they go home. I know it is time for them to go but I have enjoyed them so much. Nate is such a delight.

All the while all this craziness is going on, we are trying to do school, work, laundry etc. I may sleep for a week after tomorrow.

Road trip down memory lane

2009-01-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

I just made a 900 mile trip to see this sweet face. This is my grandmother, Vada, who is 95 years old. She was sure surprised to see me walk into her room at the assisted living facility in Wellington, Texas.

This is the Ritz theater that has just re-opened after years of sitting vacant. I saw Jeremiah Johnson and Bless the Beasts and the Children here as a kid.

This is the house where Santa found me every Christmas. It used to be brown with pink trim.

The park where my sisters and cousins spent many afternoons every summer.

My grandparents church, where so many memories began. About 1970, I first met my aunt's new boyfriend in this building. He is now my uncle. I can still remember the joke he told me that day. There was a man in this church who gave us chewing gum every time we saw him. Also my grandfathers funeral was here. I was a new believer and it felt like a celebration of his life because for the first time I understood his faith.

In the panhandle of Texas, late fall is cotton picking season and roadsides look like snowfall but it is really cotton.

Going to the cemetery with my grandparents. They had the oddest habit of showing everybody who came to town their plots. It was very creepy when we were teenagers.

My grandparents kitchen which has pumpkin orange counter tops. Both of their houses had this.
They both loved bright colors. Pink house and orange kitchen!

This peacock cracks me up. About 20 years ago, she gave all the girls in the family one. I thought it was hideous but obviously she loved it and wanted to share it with us.

Best of 2008

2008-12-31T12:47:00.000-08:00

Nate the Great

2008-12-21T22:10:00.001-08:00

No more stitches, just lots of drool!

Christmas Music

2008-12-17T13:32:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas music but my kids hate it. I have failed miserably somewhere along the way. They were also traumatized by a McGee and Me video that has a Christmas carol playing during the scariest part of the story. Oh well. I will blame it on Dobson.

I have been in the car for 2 hours running around and listening to the Christmas station. If you listen long enough, you hear some odd renditions. Like Frank Sinatra and Cyndi Lauper singing Santa Claus is Coming to Town. It was pretty good. However I think that The Jackson Five singing Frosty the Snowman should be banned. Creepy!

I think Andy Williams can sing any Christmas song around. He had a great voice. Also I like Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. I am not a Josh Groban fan but he does an awesome Oh Holy Night, which is my favorite. Johnny Mathis and Aaron Neville should both be banned. I cannot stand their voices. I don't like many women singers but Amy Grant does great Christmas songs. Karen Carpenter sings depressing ones.

Christmas carols hold so many memories. One of the first memories I have of Christmas music is sitting in church when I was about 6 listening to the choir which included my mom sing Angels We Have Heard on High and thinking it was the most beautiful thing ever. Oh Holy Night always takes me to the Texas Tech campus and the ceremony where they switch on thousands of lights on the main campus buildings. They used to have a professor with a rich baritone voice sing Oh Holy Night during that lighting ceremony and it was so beautiful. Also, my family would sing carols on the ride to my grandmother's house. I always liked that. Car rides were not always fun when I was little but this one was full of anticipation.

Carols have an interesting history. The carol's roots came not from the organized church, but from the common people who wished to express their simple ideas and honest feelings that were not expressed by the somber music of the church. By the 14thcentury, carol singing was firmly established throughout Europe, not to mention the dancing that accompanied it. Carols originally were associated with dancing, which explains why their tunes are livelier than that of standard church music of the day. Originally, carols were sung for all occasions,not just Christmas.

Nate

2008-12-16T21:43:00.000-08:00

Just a few photos from my trip to Virginia. He has a great smile even before surgery as you can see. Now it is all repaired and he is still adorable and fun.

Risk

2008-12-05T09:08:00.000-08:00

I googled risk and these are some of the things that popped up.

risk - definition of risk - The quantifiable likelihood of loss or less-than- expected returns

risk - the game about war

Risk is a concept that denotes the precise probability of specific eventualities. Technically, the notion of risk is independent from the notion of value and, as such, eventualities may have both beneficial and adverse consequences. However, in general usage the convention is to focus only on potential negative impact to some characteristic of value that may arise from a future event.

risk management

risk analysis

calculated risk

These words all feel frightening and negative. I have risked this week and have felt like a war was going on. Also I have experienced loss or less that expected returns. I have taken calculated risks. I have focused too much on the negative impact and am struggling to see the beneficial ones. I have to be patient. A long term investor.

When I risk and get a return of anger, I panic, like a wall street broker. Cut your losses and run. I have been trying risky things and some have worked out, which I love, but the flip side stings. It tells me I am a fool, subjecting myself to more pain. Yet I feel compelled to keep going.

Christmas Past

2008-12-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

I was listening to the radio today and someone started a parents group trying to get advertisers to slow down ads this Christmas to children, due to a slow economy. The talk show host was railing against this man calling him a wimp. Advertisers have been advertising to children in some way or another for decades. All parents have to do is have a backbone and say no. Or maybe turn off the tv.

Anyway I got to thinking about when I was a kid - the ultimate advertising was the Sears Wishbook. It would arrive in the mail and I would turn into a maniac. Being a list maker, I would write down everything I wanted. I tried to get something from every page. Then I would add them up and laugh at the thousands of dollars I had spent in my mind. It was great fun.

This photo is from the 1971 Wishbook. I LOVED Barbies and am sure I wanted this Karosel Kitchen for $3.95 when I was 9. Heck I love this kitchen now. What an idea! My Barbies were my favorite toys. I had numerous females - several Barbies, Midge, Skipper - but only one male. He was quite a player. My barbie fantasy world looked like a soap opera. He switched girlfriends a lot. Somewhere along the line a got a set of babies - quintuplets. So we had lots of barbie babies! Maybe I was a prophet of my own future. Anyway, I have enjoyed thinking about my Barbie house and camper (the one in the other picture) and that wonderful smell of the plastic. I wonder what my kids will think about and remember in 40 years.

bad dreams

2008-11-25T20:57:00.000-08:00

One thing I would like to ask God is - what do my dreams mean? I have thought this many times. Waking up and wondering why I would dream such a thing. I hope His answer will be - "Oh you ate too many jalapenos that night." Because otherwise, I have a twisted mind or subconscious. I have dreamed some bizarre things. Horrible things. One of my pregnancies I dreamed repeatedly about ghosts chasing me and I would wake up screaming. My husband did not get much sleep that pregnancy.

..............I am standing in the kitchen at the sink, peeling a peach. I can feel its softness and smell its ripeness. The back door is open and it is a nice night. Suddenly someone grabs me. Why don't I protect myself? I am frozen in fear. He is hurting me. I know him. He is a man from church. I bite him and I can taste his blood. Suddenly, there is a baby crawling through the room. His name is Carson and I must protect him. I take him back to another room. And then it continues...

I woke up terrified. I know the man from the dream. I don't know him well but he is a real person I know from church. Nice guy from all appearances so why would I dream this about him. This dream was so vivid. I woke up unsure where I was and my heart was pounding. And I was trying to figure out why.

Alone

2008-11-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

sometimes I battle alone
usually I go alone
do I push you away?
am I that hard?
do I deserve your back?
not your face
I need you
need your help
but instead I get left
to go it alone

I feel your absence
we all do
I need your presence
in this
with me
for me
come fight with me

When they put in an adult day care, will you come see me?

2008-11-17T08:23:00.000-08:00

I am losing my mind. Seriously, 46 seems a little young to be having senior moments. I was telling my sister about doing some forgetfull things recently. We just had a good laugh. She is 50. The day we moved I got up early to go get donuts to feed the wonderful people who were coming to help us. As I was driving, I noticed that I could not see real well. I wear contacts and one eye is for distance and one is for close up. I ignored the problem and worked all day until we finally got our bed set up. I went to take out my contacts and the left one was not there. I have never done this and I have worn contacts since I was 15. I just blew it off as being busy moving and thinking about too many things that day. 2 weeks later I did the same thing. And once again, it took me all day to figure it out.

Well yesterday, I had another "episode". I wore by bra wrong side out all day. As I was getting undressed last night, something was wrong. I could not get out of my bra. I have no idea how I got in it without noticing that I was doing it backwards.

So if you happen to see me dressed inappropriately or stumbling around like a blind woman, don't worry. Just help a sister out.

Fruitful

2008-11-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

The strangest thing happened tonight at Grace Group. For the first time in the 21 weeks that I have led a group, I came home content with the way group went. No self condemnation. I did not beat myself up for saying something or not saying something. I was not critical of anything. It felt great. My word at the end to describe the way I felt was fruitful. It felt like God had given me the right questions to ask. What an amazing night it was. I felt like the group is making progress. I know that is God's doing and I do not feel prideful about it but still it felt great to be led by Him and watch Him work. And I let that be enough!

Flatlander

2008-11-09T20:22:00.000-08:00

I was listening to a song about being born on the prairie.. Dry land cotton farmers, like my Pa was, watch the sky and pray for rain.

Pray for no twisters. It describes tornadoes as being like a whiplash and rolling like God's tumbleweeds. It calls them Panhandle Dancers. I love the imagery. I grew up in the Panhandle. I guess I have dust devils in my heart. This music stirred me in a surprising way. I was thinking about how as we occasionally travel back there, I love the view. Most people think it is flat and ugly, but it holds a place in my heart. It will always feel like home.

I remember as a kid driving through miles and miles of cotton fields with their long green rows. As a child I imagined they were the legs of giants running along the side of the car. As a mom, I was delighted when one of my kids said they looked like grass rainbows. Perhaps they have a little dust devil in their hearts too.

Just for fun!

2008-11-07T10:27:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on the election from someone way more articulate than I am

2008-11-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

My advice to all Republicans: For the next 11 weeks, enjoy the fact that this nation has elected its first Black President. It is not the culmination of the promise of America, but it is visual, immediate evidence of the inherent goodness, freedom, and promise of America. It may be symbolic, but symbolism is important in its own right.Take heart. Barack Obama did not get to the office because affirmative action mandated it, because he was entitled to it by any means, or because he was Black. The race vote was a contributor just like many things, but it was not the reason he won. I'm sorry, but no matter how much Black turnout there is, Democrats won't win Mississippi. This election was about more than people voting on race. It was the clear choice of the American people. Will I seek to persuade the public? Will I seek to change hearts and minds? Of course I will. I am a Republican. But shall I resist and fight the decision of the ballot? That is silliness, smallness, and futility.

Obama won it because he's good. He's smooth. And he knows how to play off his strengths and take advantage of the moment. He knows that the country does not like Bush right now. Obama is not Bush, and he rode that mantra of "Change" to the White House. That's a good politician. And as somebody who takes an interest in the acquisition of power, I have to appreciate the brilliance of it all. Barack has good qualities. You can' become President of the United States if you don't. So, bravo, Barack, bravo! Republicans may be tempted to angrily point out that the election was based on ambiguous "Change" and lacked any concrete ideals. But why do you get mad at the world for being the way it has always been? The public has always been swayed by attractive politicians, widespread amorphous promises, great communicators, various cults of popularity, and sweet sounding rhetoric. That will not change. My advice to future Republican politicians: become persuasive, become good looking, put honey on your lips, and use these tools for good ends. You may be a well intentioned politician and correct in your conservative policies, but a foolish-looking well-intentioned politician still looks like a fool.

Now, about John McCain's campaign. John McCain deserves the respect of the entire country. He is a man of respect, grace, honor, and service. His concession speech showed that he is a true gentleman, who does not give in to the cheering temptation of reveling in the vanity of the public's fickle friendship. That is the kind of politician we have been missing for so long. He is one who is concerned about service and good policy over power and public opinion. He is one who has a genuine respect for his colleagues, an ear open to thoughtful criticism, review, and reform. This respect is what feeds McCain's talk of reasonable compromise, and conservatives should not fear that kind of talk. It holds tight to fundamental truths and compromises on the details of opinion. It has guided America through centuries of good government, and it has been lacking as of late.And for Republicans: You should appreciate John McCain's contributions to the Republican party. John McCain's popular vote totals are around 47% to Barack Obama's 53% right now. George H. W. Bush took in 38% with his loss in 1992, and Bob Dole gained around 41% in 1996. Neither of these men had near the challenges of John McCain in this election. The 47% that John McCain gained is not enough for a win, but it is enough for legitimacy. And legitimacy is something Republicans have almost lost in the past four years. If Republicans lost legitimacy, we could expect something similar to the FDR Democratic takeover and control of government. It could have lasted 20 years. In the past, sometimes they've lasted longer. But since Republicans have maintained their legitimacy, if we only prune off the corruption and bad policy that has plagued us over the last 4 years, Republicans could be back on their feet in four to six years. That's amazing, and you can thank John McCain for that.

And specifically to Social Conservatives: You were some of John McCain's most vocal critics, but he has become one of your greatest benefactors. The standard bearer of centrist Republican policy in Congress reached out and saw the legitimacy of your views and your importance within the party. He stayed pro-life and kept it a cornerstone of the Party. He reinvented and unified the party with the pick of Sarah Palin, adding a fresh face and a rising social conservative to the short list of Republicans who have a future in politics. You can thank John McCain for that. Social conservatives will look back in ten years and realize that John McCain was always their best friend. It's a shame they noticed this all too late.

To Christian Evangelicals: Are you frightened of an Obama Presidency? Do you think it foretells of a country lost and of hardship for the church? If so, let me ask: Why do you see your Christianity so tied to political gains? What limits the Church to a socially conservative Republican President? Is your faith really that small? Christians lived under Nero, they lived under the inquisition, they have resisted the Islamic advances, and Communism's aggressive, authoritarian, and murderous Atheism. We have been killed, burned, enslaved, and martyred. But Christ died, he rose again, he lives, he is immune to death, and he will come again. And you are afraid of Barack Obama? Oh, ye cowards of little faith. Gather your tools and join the harvest. The work is plenty and the laborers are few. Don't let the weather of politics delay your task.

And about John McCain in general. If you watched his Concession speech and placed it within the context of his political life, you will see that McCain was one of the last true gentlemen, one of a dying breed of real statesmen, and a man dedicated to the service of his country. He was polite and gracious, giving credit and congratulations to Obama for the virtues that he holds. His duty was to bring closure at the end of a long hard fight and to begin again the work of serving the country he has always loved. We need more men like him in our government. John McCain is my political hero, and I hope he is not forgotten.McCain's concession gave way to Obama's more enthusiastic Acceptance Speech. There was little talk of specific policies, and a great deal of celebration about the greatness of America: the power to rise to the occasion, the power to continually change for the better, and the uniqueness and hope that this country has always offered to the world. Sure I disagree with the policies and philosophy of Barack Obama. But I love what his election represents. It represents the openness and freedom that this country created and cherishes. It's symbolism, but I like it. I like it a lot. I like how Obama's election is the result of the promise, greatness, and goodness of America.So yes, for 11 weeks, I will enjoy the fact that America has elected its first Black President. I will enjoy it until January 20th, 2009. At that point, I will actually have to deal with an Obama administration. Policies will come forth. Ideas, ideals, values, and voices will clash, and the game will begin again. I will continue to fight the good fight, acting on my conscience's demands. That starts on January 20th, 2009, but between now and then, I'm going to admire the greatness of my country.

-J. Caleb Jones

Anger

2008-10-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

This week in Grace group our lesson was on anger. So it has been on my mind a lot. Friday I was at Sam's picking up some photos and I saw a man who looked familiar. I hate this because sometimes it takes days to remember who this person is. However this time, I felt this funny feeling about this guy. I knew I did not like meeting this man but still I was drawing a blank. A few minutes later, it hit me who he was and this is where the anger comes into the story

Earlier this summer, the boys were playing frisbee in the pool. I was asleep. They were not throwing a real frisbee. They were throwing the skimmer lid. This is a very hard plastic disc that looks like a frisbee but isn't quite as forgiving. Luke stuck his head under water and stood up just in time to catch the "frisbee" on the chin.' Immediately, three kids were screaming for me because blood was everywhere. I remember feeling very calm. I knew he needed stitches. About 20 years ago, the first time one of the kids needed stitches I ran in circles in the backyard like an idiot, completely freaked out. Sorry. I got lost in my story.

Luke and I went to an emergency clinic and immediately got in to see the doctor. It was the guy from Sams. He was gruff and snarled his lip when he talked. He is my dad as a doctor. He looks like him and has the same amount of mercy - zero. He even had on boots and the same hideous gabardine pants that my dad wears.He tells me that yes he needs to do stitches. Luke of course is scared. He has never had stitches. The deadening shot hurts too. The anger comes in when he starts ridiculing boys who cry "like a girl" and admiring Luke for not being a sissy. I am fuming. As soon as he left, I corrected his statements to Luke. I told him that there was nothing wrong about admitting that you are scared or hurting. Also that crying is not exclusive to girls and is ok for guys too.

This week as we talked about anger and how it can be a good thing, I thought about this day again. I think my anger was a positive for my son that day and was not sinful. I was not rude to that doctor in any way. But I was fighting for my son. Another incident happened this summer when my anger led me to fight for them. They were hurt in an incident during VBS. I was fighting mad. But I fought for them. Several weeks later, I was driving through the church parking lot and saw the woman who started this mess and I considered running over her which obviously was sinful. I did manage to resist. So I am still struggling with what anger should look like but it was good to see some progress.

Great Thoughts from Rob Bell

2008-10-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

I have been re-reading Sex God by Rob Bell and loved these words.

For thousands of years Christians have found the cross to be so central to life. It speaks of God's suffering, God's pain, God's broken heart. It's God making the first move and waiting for our response.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and had your heart broken, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and found yourself waiting for their response, exposed vulnerable, left hanging int the balance, you know how God feels.

If you have ever given yourself to someone and they responded, they reciprocated with love of their own, you know how God feels.

The cross is God's way of saying, "I know what it is like."

It's the place we find out that we're not alone, where we find the strength to go on. Not a strength that comes from within ourselves but a strength that comes from God. The God who keeps going. Who keeps offering. Who keeps loving. Who keeps risking. A God who knows what it is like.

If God can continue to risk, then maybe we can too.

Perhaps you have had your heart broken by someone. You risked and extended yourself and they rejected and turned away and didn't return your love.

There is something divine in your suffering.

Somebody divine in your pain.

You know how God feels.

Really good, loving people get hurt. It's how things are.

Love is risky for God too.

New Photos

2008-10-15T11:28:00.000-07:00

Random Thoughts about Job

2008-10-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about Job for a week. Last week I was talking about this book with a couple of other people and several things struck me. So I decided to read it again. The first interesting thought about Job was that he wanted answers from God not opinions from his friends. He demanded God answer him, not content with anything less.

The second thing that struck me as I re-read Job was how I remember thinking his friends were not really giving him bad advice. God does punish us for our sins and reward us based on our good deeds. How could Job say he was innocent? Nobody is innocent. Today, I realized that I have had a very distorted view of God. I saw him in black and white. Do good and He is happy, but mess up and He is ready to strike. There was no mercy in my view.

I love Job 16:18-22. "O Earth do not cover my blood; may my cry never be laid to rest! Even now my witness is in heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as a man pleads for his friend." We do have an advocate. The Message uses the words, My Champion and my Friend. God in His mercy sent Jesus. Such mercy that I have missed seeing so much.

Still it is a confusing book. Is it ok for Job to rant at God? Accuse Him? Demand answers? Why is this in scripture? God is such a mystery. Chapter 38 says that God answered Job out of a storm. Was this referring to His anger at Job? I was reminded of the book, The Shack, and the chapter when Mack meets the judge. She accuses Mack of judging others and God for not doing things the way Mack wanted. Mack was guilty of making his judgement higher than Gods. Job seems to be doing the same thing. He tells Job "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you and you shall answer me." God sets Job straight on things and I love Job's answer.

Chapter42:1-6 The Message - "I'm convinced. You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans. You asked, "Who is muddying this water, ignorantly confusing the issue, second guessing my purposes?" I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head. You told me, " Listen and let me do the talking. Let me ask the questions. you give the answers" I admit once I lived by rumors of you, now I have it all firsthand - from my own eyes and ears."

I have muddied the waters, ignorantly confused things, second guessed God and not listened many times. So it is such a wonder to me to read the end, where God chews out Job's friends and commends Job for speaking what is right. He doubly blesses Job.

I must admit I still don't understand much of Job but I can see things that are comforting.

- It is ok to rant sometimes

- God likes truthfulness and honesty not foolish words

- shut up and listen to God not just your firends

- I have a merciful Daddy, which is hard to grasp

- Jesus is my champion and my friend

The dresser vomited

2008-10-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

I walked up the stairs the other day and saw this. It made me laugh because it looked like the dresser opened itself up and purged its contents on the floor. Maybe it is just funny to me but it made me laugh in the middle of an exhausting day. Moving is way too hard work. I have decided I will have to die in this house!

Daddy

2008-09-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

I walked into church yesterday with a crummy attitude about being there. It has felt that way a lot lately. I had to force myself into the Sunday school room. We have been visiting a new class so it is still awkward. However, the teacher is a great speaker and very interesting. Last week it felt like he was just stating fact after fact, just info- nothing for my heart. So this week I was expecting more of the same especially when the subject was the genealogy of Christ -a long list of names. However, God touched my heart in such a specific way with the lesson on genealogy that it blew me away. It should not surprise me when He does but yesterday it did.

After all the events of the last few weeks, I was feeling pretty upset about my own genealogy. We talked in class about how your family effects you, how you were raised and where you were raised. But ultimately God is still in control and can use any person despite their history. An example is the women listed in Christ's genealogy who were known for sexual sins. Then we talked about Joseph and how the scripture lists him as the man who was assumed to be Jesus's father. Men assumed he was the father but he was really Jesus's step father, so to speak. Joseph was on earth His father but was not His real Father. Then the teacher said the thing that got me. The day I believed in Jesus, my genealogy changed forever. God became my father, my perfect father. He always loves me and loves me well. And I was crying because that reached way down deep. I have longed my whole life for that kind of relationship and I think part of why I was depressed was this weekend I realized that I will never get what I want from my dad. I know he loves me but he doesn't do it well. Every time I see him, I get my hopes up again only to have them dashed. It is kind of like Joseph. My dad is kind of my step dad - just a fill in on earth.

I have the perfect Father. God has been parenting me lately and I just figured it out. He has been showing kind words to say and how to love people well. He gives me gifts exactly when I need them - gifts like this class in church. He was showing me things were missing this week while I was at the hospital and showing me how to do things better. I feel like I can stop being so hard on my dad and try to love him well. I just need to stop looking to him for my example. And stop beating myself up because I can never do enough to make him happy. I have the perfect example in God, but I must remember that when I am around my family. I must remember to listen to His words, His truths about who I am.

Blind

2008-09-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have spent two days sitting in the hospital with my sister, trying to help take care of her, wanting her to feel cared for. While I was sitting there watching my family function around me, something hit me that I had not really seen before. I had seen it but could not exactly name it. It was like God put a spotlight on this particular thing for me to see.

My family sucks at taking care of people. Oh, physically you will be cared for. I never needed any thing that I didn't get. But emotionally, they excel at not caring for you. I have never quite seen this so clearly until this week. They are so good at manipulating the focus off of the person who is needing help and getting it onto themselves. I believe they don't even know they are doing it. I also believe they do it so they don't have to look at the emotional mess that might come out if anyone really cared for someone else. I have never seen so many people in one room walking around an elephant and stepping in its manure and yet never say the word elephant.

My sister is in the hospital recovering from surgery and my dad doesn't know what to do with himself. I think he really wants to help but is just clueless. So he acts like a big tough guy whose gonna kick the butt of any nurse who doesn't come running when his daughter needs something. He himself would not notice the fact that she needs a drink of water and cannot quite reach it but he will bluster and blow a lot of air around the room about how tough he is. That is what I mean about drawing attention to himself and away from her. My mom does it too. Today my sister took off her bandages from a double mastectomy and I called to see how she was. I was thinking that this could be really hard on her. I think that would be the moment I would dread the most, seeing the scars and no breasts anymore. My mom is there helping her take off the bandages and my mom is the one who is saying I am scared and I don't know if I can handle what I will see. So my sister has to be strong and not be upset, so my mom can handle this. It is all so backwards and pathetic.

I am sure I do this too. How could I not? I grew up with this crazy group of people. My cousin had a hysterectomy this week and her mom is caring for her and doing the same thing too. Maybe that is why God showed me this. I sure don't want to treat people this way. Lord show me areas that I am blind to.

The internet can be a very small place!

2008-09-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

Last Friday night, I was out doing some shopping when I got a phone call from my sister. She told me an amazing thing that had happened to her on the Internet. I had just seen her 2 weeks ago and we were talking about The Maines Brothers band and listening to their cd. This is a local band from the 80's in Lubbock, where we grew up. So last week she was bored I guess and googled them. One of the first links listed was to a blog.... this blog. I had mentioned the band a few weeks ago. This blog does not have my name on it anywhere, so she started reading it and thinking this stuff really sounds familiar. The more she read, the more she knew it had to be mine. She did not even know I had a blog! So she spent the next hour reading the old posts and crying because they expressed many feelings she has had in her life too. So she called to tell me this and I just died laughing. I could not believe that she found it that easily. It is a little freaky.

So of course, she told my other sister who also read it all. She called yesterday to tell she had read it all too. It made her cry too. Snot running down your face, kind of crying. I have accomplished something that previously only my dad can do - I made both of my sisters cry. Anyway, even though it was hard for them to read I hope it was helpful to know that we are all in this together and all think the same things sometimes. We are The Three Musketeers. It was a good reinforcement to me that my words can have tremendous impact on others. This is really hard for me to believe some days.

Also tomorrow, my sister has her surgery and more tests run. I am feeling sad and heavy today. She is scared. I hope her family will be a comfort to her because she really needs it. Please pray for us all.

Waiting

2008-09-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

This has been the summer of waiting. It started with waiting for the wedding and all the fun and guests to arrive. Then we decided to put our house on the market and we waited for the phone to ring for a showing hoping that this would be the person who would buy it. Then we waited for Whitney to go into labor and when she did, we waited 2 days for the end. Nate finally came into the world and then we waited a week to see him. The day we came home from Virginia, it looked like we had a buyer and we waited to hear from them about so many things. There is a 10 day waiting period to see if they change their mind. Now we are waiting to move. One afternoon, a few weeks back, I was frustrated with waiting and went and was lounging in the pool. The phone rang and it was my sister saying she has cancer. Now we wait with her for surgery and whatever else comes. She had 2 more tests run last week that showed abnormal cells in 2 other places on her body. We are waiting to see what that means. She was planning on moving to Germany and now she says she is not making any more plans because they just keep falling apart. She is just waiting. And we wait with her, praying.

Home

2008-08-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

In 3 weeks, we will be moving into this house. Something I have wanted for a long time. It is hard to wait when we are so ready to go. I'm a doer- I don't sit and wait well. In the time we have to wait, we have been over there several times, to look at this or measure that. And it struck me that this is possibly the blandest house ever. Beige carpet, walls, brick and white trim on the outside. Except for the trees - they are awesome to a girl from Lubbock. The kitchen is a good size but pretty ugly. It is kind of sad to think about someone living in such a boring house. So I got to thinking about painting and hardwood floors and I decided this house needs us. It needs a new family to add life and noise and laughter and color. And that makes me happy. I can see the kids sliding down the stairs and crashing at the bottom. I can see them playing soccer with the dog. They are planning on painting their rooms and putting up posters of the things they love. Mike will be in the shop making new cabinets and loving it and I will be reading or cooking a ribeye on the grill. I am not moving into someone else's house. I am moving into a house that needs some help and that feels like a good thing for us.

An Introduction

2008-08-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is my sister, Lea Ann and her adorable granddaughter Lyza. Her daughter is Lorin. They are the three L's. Earlier this year she and I spent 3 days together going to see my grandmother who was ill. After that trip, I realized that I don't know when or if I have ever spent that much time alone with her. We had a great time and talked about everything under the sun. It was great to connect with her in a way that had never happened before. She is a strong person, a great mom, and a good friend. She also still likes to sleep right under me just like when we were kids which is very annoying, but that is beside the point.

2 weeks ago, she went for a biopsy and I went to sit and wait at the hospital. I just couldn't stay away. The doctors said it was looking all clear but he was wrong. She has breast cancer. Those last four words feel huge, like I should be screaming them instead of calmly typing away.

So many feelings have come to me since her diagnosis. Fear for her, fear for me, anger, sorrow.... I cannot imagine what she feels. We have laughed and cried together. I almost got in the car yesterday and drove to Temple just because I wanted to look at her again. Buy her dinner or something to make her feel better or maybe to make me feel better.

My parents have responded so badly to this, so selfishly that I wonder what planet they came from. We laughed the other day that we are alien spawn. She is facing a double mastectomy and all they seem to care about is how it might mess up their vacation, a month long cruise. Honestly they should just go and let the rest of the family help. But I think they will stay and whine about the sacrifices they make. And then I may remove their heads.

The good news is that she caught it early and she will not have to do radiation or chemo. She has a 99% chance of survival. Still I am having a hard time thinking and doing normal things like laundry and cleaning toilets right now. It is so hard trying to be normal when my sister has cancer.

Oldness

2008-08-20T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is Nate. I am his grandma. He makes me old I guess. My friend Nancy gave me an old lady gift bag the other day. It included a large print word search book, a large print calculator, a night light, bunion cushions, an ID card (in case I cannot remember who I am), and a travel pack full of plastic rain bonnets. Now all I need is Geritol and depends!

25th Anniversary Part 3

2008-08-12T21:45:00.000-07:00

It seems like I should write something profound about our anniversary. I have been thinking about this for 2 weeks. First of all, the photos are hilarious. Jared looks more like the man I married than Mike does. I'm not even talking about how different I look. If I could look like that again but have my 46 year old brain and heart, that would be great. Maybe with less hair!

I have been pondering the biblical metaphor on marriage. How a marriage is a picture of a believers relationship with Jesus. I understand some of it but some of it is beyond me. I believe that most people deep inside want to be married and that points to our God given desire to be in a deep relationship with him. But why is it so hard. It feels so elusive some days. Marriage is also great some days and I wouldn't want to not be married but it is so hard sometimes. It feels like the intimacy we want doesn't exist. We try and try and it evades us. And then, it sneaks up and surprises me with its presence. Overwhelming, encouraging, making me long for more.

On our recent anniversary trip, we experienced both sides of this phenomena. Sweet minutes of great laughter and friendship but also tears and frustration. I don't like the down side but it seems to be part of the deal. So I will take it. I wouldn't want to miss out on the tastes of Eden we sometimes experience together. I love you Mike.

25th Anniversary Part 2

2008-08-12T21:38:00.000-07:00

Brad Paisley, The Maines Brothers and a 25th anniversary

2008-08-11T13:42:00.001-07:00

I drove to Temple last week and spent about 4 hours alone in the car. Right before I left, I found 2 cds that I had lost. They were my Maines Brothers cds. I was excited. In the 80's, in Lubbock, the Maines Brothers were the best. Many nights were spent dancing at Coldwater to their band. They were brothers and cousins. Their dads and uncles had a band a generation earlier. The next generation finally made it big. Natalie Maines is one of the Dixie Chicks. I like country music but I don't listen to it much anymore. However I do like Brad Paisley. It dawned on me as I was driving that he reminds me of the Maines Brothers. Their music is great to dance to and such fun, showing such humor. The Maines Brothers have a song called "Ain't Nobody Lonely" that reminds me of how my life felt before I met Mike. It talks about a girl walking around town looking for someone who might be as lonely as she is. 26 years ago, at the ripe old age of 20, I had given up on "falling in love". That seems so silly. I was so young but that is how it felt. That song sums up those feelings of thinking that guy must be out there somewhere, but where.

The lyrics that follow are from a Brad Paisley song that does the same thing. The first time I heard it, I thought it was about us. It is "All Because 2 People Fell in Love". The world changed when we met and was impacted by our actions. If you don't know, I met Mike in a restaurant. I was his waitress. At one point while we were dating, I even worked at a place called 14th Street Bar and Grill.

I recall a young man who was drifting aimlessly
And a young waitress who seemed lonesome as can be
In a little cafe right off 14th avenue
With a whole lot of help from up above
We met and things sure turned around for me and you
And all because two people fell in love

Yea there ain't nothing not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is will be or ever was
Every single choice we make
Every breath we get to take
Is all because two people fell in love

So this one is for you, Mike. I will gladly take another 25 years, cause you sure turned my world around.

Finally, a happy post.

2008-08-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

My last few posts have been seriously depressing so I thought I would lighten it up a bit. This weekend we went on our annual summer trip to Leakey with about 100 friends. This year for me was really special for a lot of reasons. One of which was in this photo. This trip almost always happens on our anniversary. We have been going since 1993. Somebody decided to decorate our car to celebrate our 25th. About 1:30 in the morning, as I was going to bed, I saw the car. It just made my day. There were balloons and cans tied to the back. It also said "Sugar Daddy " on Mike's side and "Hot Mama" on mine. I'm not sure why exactly but I started laughing hysterically all alone in the dark. Maybe it was sleep deprivation but it was fun.

I got to watch a great baseball game with all of my family in it. I got to enjoy the nice river. I got to play a few games and catch up with some friends I don't see much. One of the highlights of the trip every summer is the baptism on Sunday morning. All of our kids were baptized in the Frio. This year 3 kids were baptized. One of them was Ethan whose birth was one of those miracles I will always remember. Long story but we prayed for his parents to be able to have another baby and when they surprised us all with the good news it was such a joyous moment. Such a God thing. Watching him be baptized and listening to him sweet voice tell his testimony was awesome.

Another highlight was great conversations. We had a crazy day trying to get ready on Friday. Several things happened that day that I felt were spiritual attacks. But finally, I decided that I was going to trust God and not get all freaked out. I was wishing to talk with someone about all this and asked God to give me the chance and He did. My friend Susan listened and encouraged me so much. If you are reading this, thanks Susan.

One more conversation happened that was unusual for me. Someone sought me out to encourage him. That doesn't happen much but it was great. And I think I did encourage him. As he was taking I was praying for God to tell me what to say.

One more highlight. Mike told me that something I said to him was like a drink of refreshing water. Way too often, my words are bitter water to him so that was really a sweet moment.

Many times I know I have missed the opportunity to enjoy this trip by getting all wrapped up in a knot over what to pack or what to eat. I am exhausted before we get there and I miss all the fun. I'm glad that I did not miss it this time.

As we were leaving, Cody asked me if I was really a "hot mama". I told him of course and he looked at me like a was crazy!

Chains

2008-07-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

I think I spend a lot of my time dragging around chains. Pretty heavy ones too. Sometimes I let them go or perhaps I give it to God. Maybe Satan deceives me into thinking they are not as heavy most days. This week they reappeared, dragging me down into a black hole.

I have been thinking about why some days the chains feel like they weigh a ton. I was wondering if perhaps, Satan slowly puts a little bit of the chain on your neck where it is almost imperceivable, even comfortable. Then slowly, slowly he releases more and more of the weight until that opportune moment when something painful happens and then he drops the whole weight and I suddenly fell the impact of it all. Oh no, here I am again. I spend a few hours or days trying to wiggle out of the imprisoning weight but to no avail. Then slowly, it begins to fade, and I feel relief from the pull of the chains, and eventually I go back to my blissful ignorance. Then the cycle starts all over again.

A few months ago, the most amazing thing happened. For about a week, I felt so free and joyous. No chains, no baggage. It was amazing. It was the strangest experience and I cannot explain why it happened other than God. I was playful, singing, joking for a whole week. Just joy. That is not something I experience much and certainly not for that long. It was such a gift.

Towards the end of it, I could literally feel it leaving. That may sound crazy but it is true. It was like a window slowly closing in front of me and blocking a view I wanted to watch for longer. The weight was back, my companion but not my friend.

Old Skeletons in the Closet

2008-07-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I talked to my sister and she told me something that has really rattled me. She has been home to visit our parents this last week. Also, she went to see my 95 year old grandmother who has been ill since February. Grandmother K, as we call her, got to talking and said something about my dad that I never thought I would hear come from her. I have never heard her say anything unkind about anyone. Never. What she said was not slanderous or cruel, just brutally honest.

She was feeling like she had been a lot of trouble to my mom who has been driving 3 hours to see her a lot since she fell in February. My mom has been away from home a lot and cannot seem to stop worrying about her. This troubles Grandmother K and she was discussing it with my sister. Tresa, my sister, was trying to reassure her that nobody minded caring for her. "But Tresa" she says, "Your dad does not like your mom being here because he is the most selfish man I have ever met." She went on to describe how they thought he was the wrong man for my mom because he was so hard on her. They were sure it would not last. After they married, he was hard on all of us. He never gave an inch. It was always her that changed to satisfy him or paid the price of his anger.

Tresa was speechless. I, too, am all mixed up about what she said. It is all true but somehow it feels more real now that she said it. Knowing that she saw it makes me feel sad that nobody could talk her out of marrying this man who has pushed her around for 50 years. I thought about how desperate I would feel if one of my kids were going to marry someone I felt was a mistake. I wondered why she felt compelled to marry him. Somewhere deep inside, she had to know the truth but she chose to ignore it. Because of that, we all were subjected to his selfishness. That makes me mad. It makes me wonder if my mom regrets her life. She seems to just walk through it like a machine most days. Resigned to it.

She was in college when they met. She was active in sports and church. She was a Christian studies major excited about ministering to youth. And then he came along and that all disappeared. Evil took her out. I hate thinking about all this.

Hooomeschool Nerd Mom

2008-07-10T11:20:00.001-07:00

Today I am the super hoooooome school nerd mom. My older kids would die. I have spent several hours selling used curriculum online at a vegetarian website. Reading through the posts on there are like a trip through the last 20 years of my life. I wonder what my life will be like when (not if) I get through teaching at home. I might go back to college!

Also I am baking 5 loaves of homemade (freshly gound wheat) bread. I have not made any since I had twins. This was the ultimate in homeschool mom dedication back in the 90's. My dedication crashed into the wall of reality with 3 kids under the age of 2. Oh well, after almost 13 years I have recovered enough to try it again. Man it smells awesome in here. Wish you were here to have a piece!

Weakness

2008-07-07T17:35:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about weakness. It started last week when there was a crippled baby squirrel hanging out in our backyard. Our dachshund loves to chase squirrels but of course they are too fast for her. However, this little one could not climb to safety as fast as most squirrels and she got close. She was insane with excitement. Something about the whole thing bothered me. Normally I am not overly soft hearted about nature doing its thing. But today I wanted to kick my own dog for attacking this defenseless squirrel.

Recently, someone attacked my sons in an area of weakness and I knew my protectiveness of this squirrel was connected to that in my emotions. Some days it feels like they have a sign on their backs saying "kick me" just because I am a little different. Then I realized it is also connected to Nathaniel, my soon to be born grandson who has cleft palate. There it is again - weakness. Something that gives people a chance to be kind and gracious, or vicious and cruel. I have seen both with my kids. I want desperately to protect them from that pain and I know I will feel the same with Nate. People's cruelness rips at my heart.

Then at Bible study we talked about weakness and Paul's thorn in the flesh. Paul asked God to take it away but God did not. God told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Paul goes on to say he delights in his weakness now, boasts about them because, "when I am weak I am strong." Well that was a new perspective for me on some very familiar verses. Can I trust God to use this for good in their lives? I stayed there for a few more days.

In Sunday school, Mike asked for prayer for the delivery of Nate, and I sank into that hole again, unable to talk without tears. Several women in the class spoke kindly to me and I could hardly speak. During worship, the tears were still there. I almost left. Then we sang a song that said something about God using the weak to lead the strong. There was my word again - weakness. And I felt comforted. When I was pregnant with the twins and so sick, a friend said to me that God has something special planned for these babies that were so hard to carry. I hang on to that and know that in many ways it has already come true. They have shown me so much about God and I anticipate there is more coming. They were weak but can lead in a way only given by God. Nathaniel will do the same.

Finally today, I was back working on the same Bible study about faith. Several thoughts went to the same place in my mind.
...........the battle is the Lord's
...........everyone born of God has overcome the world
...........put on the shield of faith to fend off Satan's attacks
...........Psalm 3 - God is my shield
...........Psalm 18 He is my rock, fortress, my deliverer and my shield
............Psalm 84 - God is my sun and my shield

David knew as a young man, that God was his shield and defeated Goliath. Maybe the young men in my life are teaching me that.

Perfection

2008-06-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

Summer Happenings

2008-06-24T11:15:00.000-07:00

In two days, this very cute little boy is getting married. That doesn't seem possible. This photo was taken on his first birthday and he was charming everyone in the store. He is always charming. As a teenager, he was always surrounded by girls... his harem we called them. Hard to believe that he is starting his own family. I am remembering so much this week. What a blessing having kids can be.

However, he did come home with 3 loads of stinky laundry which will now be Jessica's problem. I won't miss that!

Earlier this week, this comic character was seen sorting the laundry. Putmans are always going for the laugh!

Also, I am thinking about Nathaniel who is coming soon. Mike and I went into Toys R Us and had to buy monkeys and a reminder of where Grandma and Grandpa live.

His nursery is adorable. You can check it out http://shutterbabe.wordpress.com/

Church

2008-06-18T11:59:00.001-07:00

We are joining the church this weekend after 23 years years of attending there. No great spiritual reason, sorry. Mike has been asked to be on a committee and you have to be a member, so we are finally going to do it. The problem is that we had been thinking about leaving the church for over a year. I do not currently like my church. I wonder what it would be like to get excited about going to church. Right now I have to make myself go, every Sunday. And sometimes I lose that argument.

There are several reasons I don't like it right now. Mostly the worship service is torture. Boring and dry. Maybe it is just me being boring and dry. The youth department was a great reason to stay and now they got rid of the high school guy we loved. The new junior high guy is something to hope for. If he could minister to my kids I would be happy to sit through torture on Sundays.

What should church feel like? Or is feel the right word? Should I base this on feelings? It should feel like home and safe and friendly. Not critical or rejecting. Yesterday, it was rejecting. Long story but someone called from the church to tell me some of my kids were not welcome in a certain spot this week. I was so angry I could hardly speak. I hung up and cried, wondering how do I tell them without crushing them. Just that morning, one child had told me how a younger child told them that he was grateful for how my child loved God and showed it to him. He was pretty excited by that. And then he gets kicked out for being who he is. Just as God created him to be. Thankfully Mike was here to do the deed and he was amazing. I asked some friends to pray and they prayed for Mike to have the words. That prayer was answered. He could sell ice to an Eskimo. The kids were not hurt just a little confused. Now only I am hurt and I want to rip someone's face off.

Now on Sunday I have to go make nice in front of some elders and say all the right answers like a nice Christian wife. Gag! I hope they don't ask about how I fell about the church.

I feel shame even typing this but here goes......

2008-06-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

I want a new house. There I feel better. I said it. It feels so selfish to ask God for a new house but I am. I don't want to want it, but I do. I have been thinking about why and I thinking I have made some connections to the past.

I lived in a trailer until I was 6. My sisters and I shared bunk beds. Three girls in 2 beds. This trailer was 10x 60. I remember once at Bible study we were talking about how I grew up and a friend looked down his nose at me about the 3 kids in a bunk bed story. There is shame connected to that, that we were poor. Trailer trash.

16 years ago, we started over financially because of a job change. Mike made this job change to be home more with the kids which was a good thing. 13 years ago, we started over again because we had the twins with no medical insurance. The twins were a good thing too. God provide for us in amazing ways during this time. 1o years ago, we started saving again for a house but felt like God was leading us to adopt a baby from Korea. We were wiped out again financially and the adoption was a disaster. Long story for another day. So we gave up and decided to change this house to fit us better.

Now we have a nice house that Mike worked his butt off to add on to 8 years ago. I have a kitchen that women drool over. We added on because we could not figure out how to afford another house with 6 kids to feed and send to college. So we settled. And stayed in this neighborhood. That we hate. Whitney went off to college and when she would come home I sensed she didn't feel safe here anymore. A few other times some of the kids friends have come over and worried about leaving their nice cars on the street in our old neighborhood. Once Jared and his friends were home from college and the police were in front of the house with guns out aiming at a car, right in front of our house. I wanted to die. Once again, shame is connected to where I live.

So I dream of moving to a nicer neighborhood where our neighbors don't tie pit bulls to their front porch and cars don't get stolen and I don't feel embarrassed to tell people how to get to our house. And that feels so selfish and ungrateful. I want a master bedroom with enough room for a chair to sit and read in. I want trees in the yard and a sidewalk out front.

I'm really mad about this whole house thing today and I'm not sure why. I want to believe God could do this for me. I love to give good gifts to my children. Things they wish for and cannot afford. I know He could do this but I don't know if He will allow it to happen. He has done big, huge things in the past for us. But part of feels like He is holding out on me, because I am selfish. I am really struggling with all of this.

2008-06-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

Favorite person (outside of your family): My friend Ginger. We have known each other 20 plus years. We have been through marriage, childbirth (13 kids), homeschooling, church splits, beach trips, and many nights out running away from reality. Once we were at La Fogota and the mariachis were hanging around the table behind us way too much. We could not even talk Finally they left and the very drunk woman at the table turned around and explained to Ginger that she had opened up her shirt some so they would play for her and her date for free! Never would have thought of that!
- Also she is a black belt in Tae kwon Do and she can kick your butt!

Favorite food: Cow. I am a carnivore. I love steak, hambugers, fajitas........ I got this from my dad. Last year for Thanksgiving, he was home alone and I called him to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and found out he was all alone. So I asked him what he cooked for his big meal. A 20 ounce steak was his answer. "With what else," I asked. Nothing! Yum.

Quirks about me: I go to the bathroom a lot. Always have, probably always will. I went on vacation with a friend and her family when I was about 15 and I drove her dad crazy. I also went on the side of the road in the Dominican Republic in front of everyone on the bus and the entire morning commute. Think broad daylight and buses full of people with 15 guys hanging on the outside - honking and laughing. This was on a company business trip with Mike's former employer. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Any regrets in life? Buying a new car, 2 years ago. Other than that, no, or nothing I could put on here!

Favorite blog? I don't know. I enjoy starting at one and going down links until I don't even know whose I am reading.

Worst job ever had: McDonalds at 15. Working at 5am with a boss who was constantly telling me to smile. Not at 5 am.

Job you would pay to NOT have: Managing grumpy teenagers at McDonalds!

Favorite Bible verse: Psalm 61:10 I delight greatly in the Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Confessions? No way!

If I HAD to spend $1,000 on myself, what would I spend it on? a vacation to the beach, some beach I have never seen before. Mike can come too! But he has to buy the margaritas!

Favorite thing in the house: My teddy bear collection. Childish perhaps but they make me laugh. I have some great ones.

What am I bad at: Shutting my mouth and sometimes opening my mouth

What circumstances in my life would I change if I could? Not much really, life is pretty good. Maybe money to travel and have some fun with.

Who are my real life heroes? My 95 year old Grandmother. She is an amazing woman. She was born in a dugout in the Indian terriotory which is now New Mexico. She loves her family very well. In the summer when I was growing up, her house was such a fun place. She would buy us popsicles, let us climb trees, take us to the park, let us spit her yummy purple grapes at each other and much more. She raised 4 kids and held on to a sometimes stormy marriage, which is how she found the Lord. He is her rock. Her faith is real. She prays scary prayers like "Lord do whatever it takes to change this person" about people she loves.

She currently is still living alone with several broken ribs that cannot heal. She still refuses to have help bathing and she rolls out of the bathtub on to the floor, trying not to fall. She is a true pioneer woman.

She is also funny. She told me once that her dentures were bothering her so bad she could not stand to wear them. She said she would probably die from hoof and mouth disease and we would all be sitting at her funeral giggling about the dentures that killed her.

What relaxes me? Dinner out on a patio with a margarita and my husband.

What stresses me out? Too many things to do

Why do I blog? Just for fun

Sir Mike fights off the fire breathing dragon

2008-06-03T17:35:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I was sitting at the kitchen table working on some school stuff when Cody walked in the room. He looked completely normal like nothing out of the ordinary had happened. A few minutes later, someone knocked on the front door. I could see from the kitchen that it was a woman and she looked really angry. Scary angry! Now in my defense, I usually ask Mike to answer the front door anyway because he is heartless and effective at chasing away obnoxious salesmen. Except for Girl Scouts, but that is another story. He once bought a whole case of thin mint cookies.

So anyway, I threw my husband under the bus and asked him to get the door. I didn't even warn him. As soon as he opened the glass door, she SCREAMED, "DO YOU HAVE A SON WHO IS WEARING A BLACK SHIRT?" Mike begins looking around the house cluelessly to see if he does indeed have son wearing a black shirt. Cody who is now sitting at the table with me waves sheepishly at the woman. She continues telling Mike that she drives a car that weighs 3000-4000 pounds but she can't quite seem to remember what kind of car it is. Finally she gets the word Pontiac out and finally gets to the point of telling us that Cody had run into the street and she nearly hit him. She continued, "I HAVE BEEN WATCHING THESE KIDS FOR YEARS AND THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE STREET. I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM!" Mike is looking helpless and keeps apologizing while those of us safely hidden in the kitchen are giggling. Finally she storms off. It was too funny as she was totally out of control.

Now in her defense, I know she was scared to death and her anger was really fear. I hit a boy about Cody's age with a Suburban once and it was the most frightening thing I ever experienced. Thankfully, he was fine and yes, I was hysterical too. Still, it was funny listening to her rant and watching Mike squirm, while Cody sits completely calm in the kitchen. When Mike got back in the kitchen, Cody admitted that he had run out in front of her a few minutes ago. I guess she was sitting in her car trying to calm down. Good thing she calmed down, she might have killed us all. Wow!

Mothers and Fathers

2008-05-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

In my household, we try to not to go to church on Mother's Day or Father's Day. Mike and I both hate church on our particular day. For me, it irritates me for some stranger to hand me a flower and wish me a Happy Mother's Day. I know I have heard other moms say the same thing. Then this wonderful sermon follows extolling the great virtues of mother's in general. Then 6 weeks later, Father's Day rolls around and Mike gets verbal abuse from the pulpit about how men are shirking their responsibilities. So we don't go, if we can avoid it.

This has been going on for years and always feels wrong to me. So I am assuming that is why my oldest daughter sent me an article about this. It was from Kritik which I guess is an online magazine. It is also written by a man who sees the same trend about fathers getting the shaft. Mother's Day wracks up 14 billion dollars in gifts each year and Father's day only 8 billion. The author was pondering why this happens so he asked some friends and this was their conclusion.

I was sitting around talking with a number of friends of various ages and familial circumstances, and since Mothers’ Day was just around the corner, I proffered up my typical inquiry. For once, I finally got an insightful response:
I was told that a mother exists in continual doubt of her efforts. Even if she is the most excellent of moms, laboring day in and day out to be the best mother that she can be, she is always second-guessing her life’s work. The characteristic mindset for a woman is to wonder if she is doing enough, whether she should be doing more, or whether she should be doing something different. She needs—and deserves—encouragement and affirmation more than anything else.
The father, on the other hand, has an entirely different mentality. Most men are pretty darn secure, and are thus fairly oblivious to what anybody else may think of them. If the man is a poor or mediocre father, he probably doesn’t know it and certainly doesn’t act like it. Men seem to come standard with an ingrained, self-affirming mechanism. It could be obvious to the whole world that a certain guy is stupid, inconsiderate and obnoxious, but he himself will probably still be pretty confident of his status as a model human.

I totally disagree. I think men are just as insecure about parenting as females. I believe men crave respect and honor way more than women. Especially from their families. I don't think that men are so confident that they swagger around the room clueless about who they are tromping all over. I think the swagger you sometimes see comes from a self-protective wall that buries the hurt of the difficulties of life. And that includes parenting, which is a challenging job, at best.

My own father does a lot of swaggering (Is that a word?) but I know he loves his family and we are very important to him. From what I know about his dad, he was a crappy role model. My dad has done many things better than his dad did. I think he has gotten so good at pretending that he doesn't care what anybody thinks, it is hard to separate that from his true self. I have seen this mask fall off a few times. I wish I could see more of him like this. Maybe someday!

Birthday Blues

2008-05-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

I stink at birthdays. Just mine. Not the "I don't want to get old", way of hating birthdays. I don't care who knows that I just turned 46. I just cannot figure out what I want to do with birthdays in my heart.

Last Sunday was my birthday and I was set up for a disaster by the circumstances. We had a houseful of company including my dad (probable cause for emotional meltdowns!). Jared and Jessica had 2 wedding showers that weekend and I was exhausted by Sunday. As it turned out Sunday morning I was home alone sleeping in. Mike had taken the kids to church and I got to sleep until almost noon. It started well!

After I got up, I read some emails and looked at facebook. One message from Tracy really hit me. (Thanks Tracy) She wished me a happy birthday and hoped that I was celebrated by many people today. That went straight to the core issue of why birthdays are so hard for me. I don't have a clue what that would look like but it is a deep desire. Even when people around me try to make that happen, I mess it up with all the baggage I drag through the room. It can be very ugly and poor Mike is left looking like New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina came through.

Then I read another message and I felt betrayed by someone I love. It had nothing to do with my birthday but I felt like they had kicked me in the stomach. I sat in the tub and cried. The afternoon was difficult to get through, sitting through a bridal shower for the kids and wishing I were back in the tub. Then when I got home, Mike was trying but he didn't stand a chance. I was so crushed I told him that he couldn't fix it. Being male, he missed that. So we went out to eat because I was starving. 45 minutes after we were home again. Did I mention we were not having fun?

The next day my sister called and she cheered me up. She always does. My sisters and I have a bond and understand each others brains and emotions better than anybody ever will. We can laugh about anything and I can tell her just about anything. We laughed about "The Dark Place" and she lifted my dark clouds. Belated wishes keep coming in and I do feel loved and celebrated. Maybe someday I will enjoy my birthday without going crazy on the actual day. It has happened a few times!

As a gesture of understanding and love, yesterday, I got these from my sister. The flower arrangement tells you something about my love of margaritas and a lot about our relationship. She is a pro and making me laugh. Thanks Tresa. You are the best.

Welcome to My World!

2008-05-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

My three youngest at their funniest. The boys love to fight and Holly loves to create - thus we have Tuesday Night Smack Down.

Is this a femininity issue?

2008-04-30T13:22:00.000-07:00

Last night at midnight, my phone rang and it was my oldest son (caller ID). He knew I would be awake because the Spurs just finished playing. I answered the phone by saying, " Don't you know that people are sleeping at this hour!" He just laughed, knowing that his crazy mother would still be awake. Then we proceeded to talk for one hour until my adrenalin slowed down enough to be sleepy.

Why am I such a sports nut? I have been thinking about that recently. This time of year I will be sleep deprived until the Spurs either win it all or lose somewhere along the way. I love the World Series, the Super Bowl, the Olympics etc. I don't get hockey but that's because I'm from Texas. I love to watch my kids play sports! However I am not a competitive person and I never played any sports because I was such a klutz. My junior high gym teacher said so! For Pete's sake I was in the marching band. Maybe that's why I love it because it is something I could never be good at.

My son-in- law loves sports too. He and my daughter were here visiting during the football playoffs. We came home from church and parked ourselves on the couch in front of the TV for the entire afternoon. His wife, my lovely daughter, wanted to go shopping and wanted him to go with her. She smiled her sweetest smile and batted her disgustingly long lashes at him but he did not succumb to her feminine charms. I love this guy! He stayed with me and cheered against the New York Giants. He hates them since he is a lifelong Buffalo fan. My husband was nowhere to be found and the other kids would not watch it either but it was great. He and I plotted that someday they need to have a baby in October so we can watch the series together. He loves the Yankees! Baby #1 is on the way, but not in October. So much for our plans.

Ready, set, jump!

2008-04-25T18:36:00.000-07:00

I am drowning in contempt. About a week ago I managed to not go there, to stay away and feel what I was feeling. But today I did not even try. I'm just mad. I have to back myself out of this because no good is going to come from what is going to come out of my mouth.

And I even started it by asking a question. One that I needed to hear the answer to but one that I knew would be painful. How do you back out of anger? I am trying to see what could come from this pain. So many times, after the dust has settled I can see the good. But it the middle of the whirlwind all I can see is the dirt flying. I am going down a list in my brain of good things God has done that felt really bad at the time. I know He is good and I need to believe that enough to jump off the cliff of contempt into whatever lies below.

relaxed honesty

2008-04-16T21:08:00.001-07:00

I was told by Russ tonight that I have a relaxed honesty. "That is your beauty," he said. I think that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. And it actually sank in a little bit. Wow!

Not bad for an amateur

2008-04-14T22:29:00.000-07:00

I spent an hour this afternoon messing around at the sunken gardens trying to get a "portrait" of these guys. Some of them turned out really good. I love digital cameras. I remember in the 80's when my older kids were little, sitting at Sears for hours trying to get a decent picture of a 3 month old who always manged to fall asleep just when it was my turn. Then 6 weeks later, I would get them back and they not quite as good as I hoped. Mind you, I have great looking kids! It is just the system that didn't work so great. Finally, they got a new deal where you could preview them that day. What an improvement! But still. you only get 2 or 3 chances.

So I love digital cameras because you can take a zillion poses and preview them too. And I got get the face I want that expresses who they are. For example, Cody is not smiling but it is him all over. Just a look that is familiar from him. When he is listening to me explain something, thinking all the time. Always curious. Then there is his other face. Also very familiar to all of us!

Katy

2008-04-11T08:39:00.001-07:00

Katy is a nickname that nobody calls me, except occasionally my husband. When I was a little girl, my grandfather wanted to call me Katy but my mother would not allow it. I think that is why I have always loved this name. It was his special name for me, a loving name.

My grandfather, Pa, was the only grandfather I ever knew and I loved him a lot, although I was a little scared of him too. He loved cats. Pa's favorite cat was named Piper and this cat was mean as the dickens. Piper did not let anybody touch him, except Pa and, for some reason, me. To the amazement of everyone, Piper let me play with him. According to my grandmother, I lugged that cat around in a bucket everywhere and played with him like a baby doll. This of course delighted Pa.

Anyway, I always wanted to be Katy. In my mind, she is who I wish to be. She is fun, laughs a lot, never gets angry or pushes people away. She is, of course, thin and attractive too. Let's just throw in fit too, while I'm dreaming. We are twins separated at birth.

Breathe on Me

2008-04-09T10:37:00.000-07:00

I have just finished Prince Caspian fromThe Chronicles of Narnia. I have never read it before. Years ago I read the first three books but never enjoyed them a lot. I did love how the children in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe interacted with Aslan, who is the Christ figure in the books. They love him and bury their faces in his mane. They crawl on his back and ride him. When we took all the kids to see the movie, Jared and Whitney groaned quite loudly at the much over quoted line about "Is Aslan tame? No he is wild but he is good. " It was such a great line from C.S. Lewis to describe Christ and my kids are groaning at it. What a hoot.

Well there is a line from this book like that struck me today. Maybe someday it will be over quoted too. The children have just seen Aslan after not seeing him for a very long time. At first Lucy is the only one to see him because she has a childlike faith. Finally they all see him in his glory. "Now Aslan had stopped and turned and stood facing them, looking so majestic that they felt as glad as anyone can feel who feels afraid, and as afraid as anyone can who feels glad."

I just love that! I hope that is how I will feel when I see Jesus, overwhelmed with joy and fear. The oldest girl, Susan approached Aslan with tears because she was the last to see him. Aslan says to her, "You have listened to fears, child. Come let me breathe on you. Forget them."

I listen to my fears but I wish to be more like Lucy.

Head knowledge but not in the heart

2008-04-09T08:25:00.000-07:00

John 5:39 "You diligently study the scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life."

Jesus said this to the the jews who were critical of him healing a man on the Sabbath. But recently, He said it to me. There have been times in my life when I searched the Bible for knowledge because it was all new to me. I went to classes on all sorts of subjects because I was hungry for God and thought this was the way to find Him. But I missed it. Now the pendulum has swung too far the other way and I have a hard time sitting through a factual sermon that does not feel like it applies to me. Where is Jesus in all of this?

Right now it feels like He is sitting patiently under a tree, waiting for me to get it. Sometimes I look at my kids and enjoy their striving to figure things out.... from something simple like tying shoes to the more complex like relationships with friends and spouses. Just the fact that I was able to put God and patient in the same sentence is progress I suppose. I feel like I have to earn His pleasure so much of the time and usually it is unearnable. ( Is that a word?) I wish I could accept His tender mercy more often.